Restless For My Favorite Fall Month

Just got up from a dream, it was wonderful. I was star struck with a group of my favorite people. I know thru several writing books you don’t start a story with a dream. 😛

I’ve been antsy all weekend. I know the general why, but I write lists anyway to purge and look for anything in a list that could be a clue to be deciphered.

My goal this summer was to basically go out and live, which doesn’t mean piss money away getting drunk. I enjoyed food, I wanted to do more fulfilling things. Social causes that don’t turn into self-promotion.

I’ve been a fan of a lot of things and followed a lot of groups and events. Admiration for a group is odd. I have been to things like derby or cosplay convention and felt there’s not much I felt I could contribute to it.

At the risk of being a townie, one of the inspirational places is my local State college. 20 somethings learn about the world, participate more in activism before a job, spouse or children become excuses to not get involved in steering the battleship of history with one paddle.

I have an energy that most people my age don’t have. I’ve been unemployed and had a bit of a glimpse of what retired life is, all the time and not much money. I see other people in the grind, I see the distractions in the form of various screens, “dumb entertainment” to pacify them. Too “tired” to save the next generation of kids or the planet for that matter.

Summer is ending, am I restless because the kiddies are in school and I can go out on a weekday? Nope, I usually can, I’ve noticed the past few years the streets aren’t filled with kids playing anymore. Even if parents aren’t worried about abduction, video games have become the new television to keep kids occupied at home. Millennials don’t even want to get their licenses or move out anymore.

This summer, I’ve had some opportunities I’ve been working for towards longer goals. I’ve been hesitant to jump as I have failed this life’s biggest ambition twice before. I don’t want to leave space dock until I have what I’m satisfied is a “guarantee” that I can punch a clock again in a job where I don’t simmer in my own stifled frustration.

I could be restless, giving up my end of summer plans because Halloween my mother of all holidays is looming. It’s my x-mas, I search for my meaning of it, the best way I can celebrate it the whole month. There’s not pressure, but responsibility to make sure it’s great and not wasted because after it, x-mas is a long, dark corridor I feel like is the longest 5 months to new years.

For the past few years, I’ve been playing Fuck Marry Kill with 3 cities that I want to be my next home. But that’s a whole other topic. One of them is a city I got to have an affair with that I eventually wanted to marry, but the nation decided that banks and military were the priority and millions of other citizens were left behind.

Busy is bullshit

There was a time when someone said “I’m busy” I’d start to ask them about their schedule and they’d get evasive about it. The point of debate by definition is time they have to do the thing they’re making excuses not to do.

I could go on for a page about this, but the point is, I usually find out “busy” means someone went home and marathon-ed a tv show or dicked around online the night the thing was going on.

When someone is “busy” I have since learned to not whine, debate or try to convince them why this thing is great to go to. There have been times I found out they saw the movie or tried the restaurant or did the thing later, anyway. So I have stopped asking people to places, mostly just events that have a limited window if not night. We all know you have that night off and we all know you have the money to go out, from the little things you buy that are so cool.

So, me not writing in this is also bullshit for the same reasons. I haven’t been “busy,” there have been down times.

I have been making some money doing small jobs or projects for people, enough to pay off my credit card again with a vow to not blow it all again in a few days.

I have been doing a lot more getting out to not stay in the condo which has always been some mental self-defeating area. The internet does that, too. Research for a project seems to turn into how someone failed at it and quit or did much better at it because of their connections, their area and even the people in their area that I have admired from afar in doing such similar projects.

And it’s almost too much to continue since this place is a huge ironic ghost town of internet trends. This is the heart of silicon valley and I spend a majority of my weeks looking for small groups of collaborators that do similar things I’m interested in doing (that also make money) like they do in southern California. Of course everyone is at home watching a screen instead of out in the real world where I’m trying to network. Funny, I also couldn’t find any local go getters in some online community, either. I’ve searched for as many years. the big glaring exception is the Maker faire I went to! That’s a whole other blog(s) I’ll def. write.

I have also been trying to spend less time online. So I have to reallocate my time in reverse and start with writing sites and less on the passive, watch the update wall scroll with the irritating news mixed with pics to calm me down, which usually consist of pin-up girls or baby animals. Occasionally vintage cars.

I have to structure my blogs more, so I’ll end this with a teaser. I thought I’d hit Santa Cruz the first day it breaks 100 degrees in the valley. I may lower that number just so I can get over there. 95? 90? I want a beach day, but I also want to continue my downtown adventures. I used to be all over that area with my cousins when I was over there for spring break when I was little. It’s a tradition that I considered doing this spring break.

But I was busy, coordinating a wedding.

Skip this, you’re likely to find something offensive.

Open mic blog, poetry date 130527:14

Whenever I think I may be doing something wrong or immoral,
Then I see the news and see many, many people injured/ arrested for doing illegal things.

Whenever I think I ask too many things,
Then I think of parents, bosses and teachers who never taught to question authority.

Whenever I think I explain myself too much,
Then I realize people are really upset by hearing their words fed back to them.

Whenever I think I feel hostile,
Then I see how someone ruined their day/ event by acting out on it.

Whenever I think I worry too much,
Then I listen to a pod cast with a celebrity I look up to and their worries.

Whenever I think I’m not doing enough to eat or live healthier,
Then I hear how others talk about how many times they’ve had to go to the doctor.

Whenever I think I’m not applying enough,
Then I look around and see how many others are not out during those 3 hours/ mon-thu.

Whenever I think I play mind games,
Then I think of the chess masters of this and how empty their lives are now.

Whenever I think I hear a commercial catchphrase too much,
Then I feel better about not being easily influenced to buy such inferior products.

Whenever I think I may not be patriotic enough,
Then I look at all the imported logo things people wear without even knowing why.

Whenever I hear people complaining about being single,
Then I realize how comfortable I am with myself.

Whenever I think there are going to be more emergency funding cut,
Then I see how natural disasters and crime waves hit those communities.

Whenever I think I want to have kids,
Then I see a food court or a report about earth’s resources depleting

Whenever I think I am too quiet or “bottle it in,”
Then I see someone else who does nothing but complain and spout made up lies out of desperation.

But then….

After there’s weather destruction on the news,
I see people volunteer to help strangers and I give blood

After I see funds disappear or are misappropriated in a charity,
I donate time instead of money and it turns out to be far more rewarding

After a parent yells or abuses their kid,
I know I already treat children better than they can (and I try to find some way for “a nearby official” to intervene)

After I see people camping overnight for a new electronic or movie,
I have more pride for those of us who protest and picket against greed and corruption

After I see kids in high school detecting and even curing cancers,
I have hope that kids are not home playing video games and wasting their lives away

After I see people trapped in a crowded living arrangement,
I don’t feel bad about being “alone.”

After I see employees not to anything to solve that recurring problem (“it‘s always been like that”),
I come up with more ways to solve my own problems one Last time.

After I see people hoard their “friends” on face book and cell phones,
I feel a lot better about my little list of closer friends I actually talk with/ spend time with every week.

After a friend takes offense after something I’ve said or done,
I’m glad to tell them I didn’t mean them, tell them who I did mean and sadly agree that they‘ll probably won’t admit what they did was wrong.

When I see people stand around doing nothing,
I will not (be made to) feel bad about speaking up or taking action against the problem.

After I see solar and recycling developments and policies forming,
I am happier that people are running out of excuses to not care about polluting the world.

After years of eating fast/ junk food,
I am happier to have a diet with less chemicals and preservatives and instead fresher “basics” than ever before.

After I hear people complaining about their spouses,
I realize how awesome my single adventures are.

After seeing spam and flame wars online,
I am relieved to see intelligent, logical, competent and sound contributions on the web.

Battling the terror

Rambler’s Blog, walk date 130416:19

Yesterday, I wanted to get into part 4 of the writing series but my head was in a funk after the Marathon bombing. I hadn’t watched the news in a long time and I thought watching it a little wouldn’t hurt. Of course I had nightmares last night and it affected my day today.

Every week, I have a set list of goals and then a few I think up that would make the “biggest impact,” on getting me “back,” meaning several things you’re likely to guess. I applied to 2 of 5 places I had in mind. This senseless violence was bothering me. I had been in a minimum of 6 motorcycle accidents, I was hoping my mind didn’t have hair-trigger PTSD anymore.

So I did many things today to… find inspiration, to reaffirm some faith in humanity. Things were going great the past few weeks, I wasn’t about to let some random asshole 2 time zones away ruin things.

I realized most of my thoughts are set up to be status updates: nice compact sentences. Here, my writing is also compacted, to get everything I have to think about a subject within a typewritten 2 column page. My other writing, I get to draw things out to capture every sense, answer all the w’s and yet stay focused on the point of what chapter/ memory is.

One of the things I like to do is visit the adopt a pets, but it also makes me sad. It’s sad I can’t afford to adopt a pair of older cats to take care of in their later years. It’s also sad that I can’t volunteer at any shelters, they favor those with a vehicle to get around to adoption locations to watch the animals and to bring supplies around. And there’s someone already to attend the 3 closest locations to where I am.

One of the greatest things is when I get to take off and explore things I haven’t done before. Thankfully I got to do that later on my trip. I decided that most of the local events I didn’t attend the past year or so to save money is something I need to do again. That also relates to something all these news stories of tragedies and closures got me thinking about. I want the innocence back in my life.

There are a lot of definitions of that. Is going back to childhood too far? Revisiting core beliefs may not be so bad, as long as I don’t dwell there. People quoted Mister Rogers after the bombing and I thought about what people took comfort in. Clearly Mister Rogers was to remind us older folk lessons we were shown as kids still can apply, maybe to pass on to the next generation. Muppets? Schoolhouse rock? Clifford? Fraggle Rock? Pooh bear?

Teen years, too can be innocence. Teenage kids are resigned to be without transportation and to be “have nots,” thinking that all it takes is to bide your time until you can go to college or turn 21 to be happy. There are many coming of age movies that don’t involve getting laid or stoned.

College kids are probably the last stage of innocence before being sent to a cubicle or other job that becomes their defining career. They have winter and spring break vacations to take on the snobs at the slopes or regatta contest. This is when you turn 21 and make all your first bar mistakes.

I decided this spring and summer to go to a lot of places I haven’t been to since I was little. I remember a lot of places I was taken on field trips are still around. There are a lot of places I should check in on, changes or (preferably) not.

And hopefully, if it’s easy to get to, they may even be hiring or accepting volunteers at least.

 

Winter has begun

Blogdate: 121209:21

I feel like Marc Maron, I’m going to start off with another apology. Of all things, I should have blogged about my favorite holiday, Halloween. Or the importance of voting, which turns out people realized and waited in line hours, even after the polls closed 8:00 pacific. Us poor people really sick of millionaires writing policy to screw us, in laws, at work.

So here we are, a week-ish before xmas. I’m already thinking ahead to new years. I remember the feeling of that countdown, the hopes and looking at the bright lights and people kissing off the old year. Even the biggest pessimists look forward to the hopes of a new year. I wonder where best to celebrate. Normally, I’d love it to be Fremont St. in Vegas, but it’s a bunch of 80’s glam rock bands. I always chicken out from San Francisco because where am I going to sleep after? The damn public transportation will shut down when the bars do, not hours after as it would be convenient to us holiday binge drinkers.

So, I have been twittering, you guys got to see some of those posts. I love twitter, I honestly have been on my other evil twitter pundit profile. I spew out all my anger from the news there. It’s a neat little Pandora’s box of anger to rage in like a Klingon.

My search for work bounces between 3 categories: 1) regular bullshit applying, which is a ridiculous ritual at this point but I have to keep doing it to do it; 2) searching for ways I can make money online, thru writing and selling shit and somehow developing a base site that I can have tons of ads to annoy you; 3) I pick a city every week to research, not only for work but for the culture.

Can I bear it politically? Is public transit a nightmare or cutting age around the clock? Not cut to shit by the budget. Is there burlesque and rockabilly there? Are there fun, annual events? What weather calamities will I have to face? Freezing my ass off? Humid, rainy mold? Stinky, dehydrating heat and sand storms? Floods, tornadoes, tsunamis? It gets a bit superficial, but where I live should be planned like a vacation. Basically, can I stand the people there?

In no order, I have or still am considering in no particular order: Albuquerque, NM, some blue county in Arizona if not NM; southern California, honestly Hollywood for the comedy clubs and improv classes, maybe Buena Park a close second. I love Knott’s Berry farm even though I have odd non-statistical and hopefully outdated feelings about the surrounding neighborhoods;

Also, I’m considering with a friend in a place I’m not naming right now. It’s complicated to get to. But we talk a lot. She keeps me from going insane, as I breakdown a lot of nights in anguish at my unemployment. She’s the only 1 left to listen. It’s not so frequent, now. Books make me happy, learning about business, history, etc. Books are another blog.

What else? Don’t know if I could bear deep red Texas, but Austin would be the place, if any. I wish Seattle wasn’t as cloudy and gloomy as my mind is convinced and people try to convince me not; I don’t know about Oregon. I saw Portlandia, it’s quirky. If the area is like the show, I might as well live in Berkeley for the same thing, closer.

I made a landmark achievement: I paid off my 1 credit card of $750 limit, yes without a job, selling crap and somehow staying above my weekly groceries and utilities. I don’t think I succeeded some weeks. So I’m trying to save now. I believe I can afford a bus trip 1 way to any place in the country, maybe beyond. But I need to save up more since I’d probably rack up my card on the way there, let alone staying wherever for even a week.

As it looks, now, I need to put myself in a situation of someone’s couch. It’s horrible for the host and the loser on the couch. I don’t really know how it can work. Once I’m on a couch, I’ll have no way to get back, no security in finding a job unless the “friend” knows “everyone” in town and can hook me up. And if I run out of money, I’ll be away from the rest of my possessions I could sell.

My breaking point is in 2013. I have to get a job, leave this condo and live my own life. I’m so worn out, I really deserve a break since I work harder than people with jobs.

 

breaking out of Groundhog Day is finding a way not to try

This is going to be something of a week, historical. Which 2 seasons of MASH would describe it best?

Also, it’s been an interesting week of dvd’s from the library. Some of the possibly symbolic movies availible were Synecdoche new york, Brazil and Groundhog’s day. There are all these “dark” remakes: batman, battlestar galactica, but they have happier endings. Bleak movies and tragedies, now those are movies with balls. I’m pretty sure dystopic movies are to men what chick flick rom coms are to women. Instead of crying, those movies make us want to drink or go out in anger and shoot things (for me, in a video game). Whack a mole gets out more anger, but all the kids look at you with apprehension. I also got mean girls, I also saw before. I needed a hot actresses movie, but smart. Odd.

Cover of Synecdoche New York

I got so many of my “1 timer” errands done, I scramble for something exciting or “juicy” this week. Most of what I have to do are 8-9 projects that I’ve been picking away at. For mon- Thursday, I prioritized in descending order which ones could make me money, maybe not necessarily the most, but the most immediate.

For the weekend, I overlapped a couple per day and these are things that require me to go back and sort thru things, like paper filing that I pick and pare away at. Someday I’m going to blow out a very large paper shredder with the 4 boxes of paper and growing.

This week is the last opportunity I have to go to Santa Cruz beach boardwalk before they go to weekend operation for the fall. I went to the fair and was happy, fighting off a couple of bouts of sadness. I have to evaluate in my head how much I need to do one more summer-y thing. I’ve been so smart with money, I now see a day in Santa Cruz as sacrificing a weekly credit card payment. I haven’t been able to make much progress since spring as it is. It bothers me.

Late evening at the Boardwalk (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I’ve had jobs, I piss away the money as I get it. I criticize people for being stupid in doing that and here I am wanting to do that with no income. The most important goal I can make a dent on is paying off that one credit card. I seem to think I need to treat myself to something new, to maybe inspire me, or just let me have fun.

I allotted myself a “fun” budget in the form of netflix, all the classic tv series and documentaries in my mailbox 6 days a week. When I’m lucky, I get a classic on Saturday I have an extra day to watch. Then I have the free dvds I check out from the library, for all my random movie curiosities. Also, the books there that promise to solve all my problems. I have read more books that I ever did in school and have no kind of diploma or certificate for my accomplishments, just a PhD in “street smarts.”

You know the classic angel and devil on your shoulder arguing about what you should do? I recently became obsessed with deciding what 2 characters sit on my shoulders since I’m atheist. I’ve decided that whatever embodies “bad” is snaky, sarcastic, selfish, narcissist. So basically a socialite with a reality show with a life stuck in tabloids.

And then whatever I choose to represent good isn’t morning talk show/ morning radio zoo cheery, but they’re optimistic. They see opportunities. They’re also punk rock, fuck the establishment, do your own thing, create art that hasn’t been done before. Don’t fake happiness, but actually feel it. I scramble every week to find the magic that I know people saw in me when I was in college or one of the many jobs I made fun for other people while thinking it was a lead filled backpack for me.

I don’t know what to call it, but I’m afraid to have fun unless I’m being productive and/ or learning something. I can readily see how being unemployed is advantageous when I look down at someone else’s cubicle, but it’s tough to maintain when I don’t get that little piece of paper every other Friday that would get me more than a kid’s happy meal when I go out.

I think back to all the interviews that got me the job. I presented my case like I do now, and follow a bunch of “this but not that“s. I’m doing something I can’t even see on videotaping myself that doesn’t get the same result. So it goes back to those 3 phone numbers. What if more than 1 is fucking me over. I really just want to know which or what, so I can deal with it instead of trying to punch a ghost blindfolded.

This is going to be something of a week, historical. 2 years ago on the 31st, it’s the day I threw the rest of my things in a moving truck and left my girlfriend and city I love to move back here to shitstain, California, with my only support, companion and friend being my pretty girl cat.

Summer status update

Catch up blog, easier date 120721.02
(man, will I have to go back and revise the old ones?)

First, I’m sorry. I know. I’ve been trying to keep busy “in the real world.” I do get caught up sharing political hypocrisy on fb, but I have a feeling it’s on blind eyes. Chances are, most people on my friends list hid my statuses. FB is a cruel bitch, you can have someone on your “friends” list and yet block things you post. It’s probably the most passive aggressive friendships you can have online. I need to check in on there maybe once a day.

Another vice I (have) had is watching people play video games with commentary on you tube. I kinda like it. I watch some guy play batman ark hams while he makes comments that are pretty much Mystery Science Theater 3000. Saves me 1) from buying and wasting months on the game and 2) I don’t have to deal with congesting my computer loading it and finding I can’t get it to work, which happened the last time I bought a game years ago.

I also have listened to pod casts, a lot of them originate from southern California. And a lot of guests have their own pod casts and I listen to those and notice some celebrities do the rounds on all the previous. One I like talk with people in the business that haven’t actually hit it big but they’re also not tabloid exposure whores. There’s a network of stand up comedians, actors, performers and you tube video makers. I look for something like that in this area and I struggle to find a little crazy brash group to have fun with and make a show of some kind. I had that energy before and I’m in much need of cultivating that pilot light again. Playing the pod casts lets me get a lot of filing and my sorting, amazon sales projects done around the living room.

My cat’s health: her legs appear to be weaker. She won’t get up to follow her red light (laser) bug anymore. I try to get her to walk around by putting her food, water and litter in different corners of the condo. I don’t want her legs to atrophy more. She’s also had diarrhea and it appears that today she was constipated. I realize her meat based diet must be giving her gas, constipation and upset stomach, but it’s not like I can get her to eat a salad. She does like ranch, though. There are some cat food w/ vegetable pieces I get and I make sure none of her food has by-products. It’s been a bitch to stay busy because any money I come across is earmarked for groceries and cat food and her needs. Even a daily bus pass is a large dent in finances.

In the morning, I ride around on my bicycle since the weather is cooler and the idiots are still asleep for the most part. It’s too hot in the afternoon. I hate bay area humidity, it makes my clothes stink, I hate itchy sweat. I miss desert heat, just keep drinking water. If I drink a lot of water here, I just sweat it out and stink more.

I have a lot of things on my summer calendar to do that haven’t been getting done. I’ve done a couple of free things, but I need to get out more. I need something to look forward to. I want to save up for a day to take the express bus over the hill to Santa Cruz for the day, costs only $10, but I want to make sure I have money to last more than a meal and actually have some fun there. Plus, I have felt guilty about staying to far away from my cat for too long.

My poor girl has had some seizures that have made her understandably depressed and afraid to over exert herself. I play with her, I use my kid voice and smile, and it probably makes me happier too trying to cheer her up with kitty games.

There’s a problem I’ve been having. Since the present and future are unstable, I’ve been reminiscing about the past maybe too much. I want to make August “future month.” and that also means looking at things that all the current trends I’ve written off. I want to see why people are so into immediacy instead of making things that last. Pop culture is so disposal and to the minute trendy, the internet has become an interactive remote control. I want to keep it a learning place, not a gossip place. I want to keep it educational, not entertainment, or at least infotainment. Things that will help me make money, get a job, not distract me. Tough to find consistency in that area.

I have to keep posting. I let myself get down. This is my message in a bottle to the world, I have to keep sending them out from my deserted isle.

Blog gang bang, fill all holes

Action blog, accomplish date 66480.37

It’s time for another blog slathered in catch up. The good news is I’ve been busy.

1) I had a fish tank I moved around for years, so of course when I decided I’d start an aquarium to give my cat a TV for her to watch, I found it had a crack on the bottom, probably from the move back to Podunk. I was able to get a replacement, I paid more at a small local shop with historical roots for the past 50+ years, not a national imported chain. And I’m broke ass, it was worth it.

2) I’ve been reading a lot, resulting in some interesting opposites. Last month, I removed the tv, computer and I won’t bring my phone anymore into my bedroom. It’s created a strange land where sleep actually occurs. And I find myself thinking about getting to get back to my comfortable bed a few times a day. I read there, but I don’t get far, because lying down, I’m knocked on my rem ass pretty quickly, often with a lamp on and me waking up to a smashed book.

And I can’t read in the living room kitchen, because computer and tv. So I go out and I find myself looking for a hangout. I used to bring a book when I knew I’d go to the DMV or back in the day when I went to crowded malls for the Holidays (before I got smarter and did my shopping thru the year during all the business closing sales). I also got my reading done at bus stops. So Now I’m actually looking for an excuse to wait for something to read, that part’s kinda sad.

In the library, I can get reading done, but I wind up checking out FAAR more books than I can get thru. I want to check everything out, given 15 minutes to wander around. I get into audio books and dvds and I overload myself I wind up skimming everything which is bad news. My mind scrambles and I find myself in 5th gear with road vision, not paying attention to anything. And not retaining what I want to read is no good.

There are a dozen reasons why I don’t patronize the five bucks coffee place. The bathroom of a coffee shop has to be the scariest part of any business. I do love the term laptop hobos, another reason why I don’t go. And I never understand why people want to be around coffee beans grinding, can’t they do that in a radio booth or something?

A bar in the afternoon, now that’s nice and quiet. They want my business and the drunks are stewing about their own business and generally aren’t loud, or for very long until they get kicked out. There are chairs against the wall to sit at, although I do have to plan what I read that won’t draw a big interest. People want to look at your cover and I can’t take the jacket off a laminated library book easily. But I haven’t had a beer in a long, long time. What about an empty mug, optimists?

3) I’ve been analyzing my favorite tv shows of all time. I’m obsessed with studying why tv shows fail. I look at directors, producers and writers to see where their careers peaked and what’s happened to them after. On one hand, I’m worried that I hit my peak about 5-6 years ago. You can’t get better than what I got to do in my boredom that I spend most of the day trying to capture now.

In a status update, I decided I need to find a symbolic movie at least, something to pump my “worth” back up. It seems like I’ve been trolling the trade show/ infomercial circuit of life.

4) I’ve read enough business books, econ books and seen many, many seminar/ webinar videos on you tube. Once you get past all the god awful clichés, the inspirational story with inconsistent symbolism, the gimmick words and phrases, the sales pitch for books, web sites… What was I- oh, there are nuggets of wisdom. The 20/80 principle seems to come true, you get 20% wisdom for the 80% of bullshit to wade past. One thing I know is that while my schedule may be open, I need to keep busy educating myself with as much reading as I had in college. I’ve done more, but unfortunately I don’t have a certificate or diploma as proof.

I know I need to produce something on my own, be my own CEO. Stop working for jackassery of national companies where I’m an unknown cog. If I work at a local business one on 1 with the owner/ manager, I’d be far more important to the business. So I continue to focus on a small, local to work for, while I hedge that with trying to sell articles about local events to local rags.

Seems like most of the authors/ presenters ride on their promises with the next book, while writing a lot of rah rah fluff in the mean time.

I write about my adventures, instead. And harsh lessons. And unlike stories your friends tell you, I’m not always the hero of the events I recall.

A grab bag of catchup

Writers blog, blank screen date 66448.75

I have to keep writing. I get lazy and doubtful and that’s the wost thing I can do when it comes to my own blog. There are tons of things I can go out and do, buy, join or follow that can be taken away from me.

There is something here that I have to stay devoted to maintaining. This is the one thing that I have that is mostly me. There’s a percentage of wordpress, firefox and netzero having to stay in business to keep this going, but I have my uploaded drafts on my computer.

The legacy you leave is something I think has been put aside for instant updating. It’s why it bothers me that photo albums have turned into social media albums. I put 10 years into myspace for better or worse. I cut back drastically on face book for that reason, as well as the big brother tactics of every word typed used as marketing statistics.

It’s why I prefer to burn my audio cds (to back up/ mix I bought), even though they made vinyl a thing of the past. Mini compact discs are where I draw the line on technology. Paying to download a stream of mp3 doesn’t have the same satisfaction of buying a cd to hold in my hands, look at the cover art of or read the liner notes, even when the info is online somewhere. See the movie I Need That Record or even High Fidelity to get why the music store employee is the unsung hero of small American business retail.

Same for theater movies. There are movies I see in the theaters, a rep theater. Even though it may be a matinee, there are some I deem worthy of seeing in a theater when I hear incredible things about, like the Artist or Tree of Life. When top mainstream reviewers (you’ve heard of) say things like “I haven’t seen anything like this is years” it’s worthy for me to shell out $15 to see it on the bog screen. And I mean in a vintage theater, not the strip mall with the movie screen as big as a couple of garage doors.

I am writing chapters for a book, about of course my favorite topic. It’s taken on many formats, but the heart or the meat of the chapters remain the same. I actually just started the ball rolling writing about the middle chapters. The first couple needs to set things up and the last couple have to resolve a certain percentage of things, I believe. I fuckin HATE those movies that wrap every single god damn thing up. It’s just bullshit that every character cums a little in that last 10 minutes of the movie. Whenever you gamble or play some sort of game, there is only 1 winner. The rest statistically have to lose their share to compose the pot won. And there are different degrees of losing, too, not just won/ lost the big game. Other unexpected side perks may happen, at least. And losers have to react accordingly, some in anger, some in frustration, others expected it. Some swear “we’ll get ’em next time!”

My mind races so fast, I mentally compose a dozen blog entries in an afternoon. Chances are I’ll write a list of topic key words if I’m inclined to. Usually I’ll get down to writing about 10 of those in a blog, if I can lump them into a theme of some sort. Sometimes I go red-eye of thought when I think there are a lot of topics that aren‘t related I have to get some thoughts out about.

Part of why is tvtropes.org. Part of learning how to write has more to it than grammar and syntax. Although those are necessary starting points. It’s sad to see book reviews on amazon when the book doesn’t appear to have a copy editor. There are plot flows and setups. I time travel a LOT in my mind which is why I need to write my lists down. If I start thinking in circles, the notes help me get my bearings. I admittedly need to organize them more, so I limited them to a few media.

Tvtropes answers a lot of questions psychology books haven’t answered for me. We have problems that gridlock us, but if they were in a film, they’re ridiculously easy to resolve, right? It’s also why I write. When I write I’ve gone thru the trials and I have a current subset of “answers,” or so it may seem until I actually see them in writing. You can read a lot about training a cat, but it won’t mean a thing until you’re actually trying to get it to do something.

I read a lot about setups to clichés, but then how to turn them on their asses, as a few movies/ shows do, like Community. #sixseasonsandamovie. What differentiates a protagonist, an antagonist, versus an asshole mentor. Or a side kick? Every show/ film has the equally balanced group of friends, racially, age-wise, job status, social status, etc. so they eventually deal with all of the conflicts that could potentially happen. Fauxality shows are based on getting a group of odd people and throwing them into areas where regular people are. And agitate.

I have so many notes to go thru, I need to hone my writing into some of the things I like that I’ve been reading and audio auto biography cds I’ve listened to from the library.

Looking for a job is a chore. Writing is my only real job, where I‘m the boss. And I have to put time into it for you, my readers.

21 Questionnaire Salute

These are the 21 questions a web page I like asks of it’s interviewees. Do you know what it is?

1) Please explain what just happened.
Typical morning, my cat woke me to be fed and now I’m listening to Adam Carolla pod cast as I type something.

2) What is your earliest memory?
I don’t know if it’s a memory so much as knowing I did it from pictures. I was in a chicken coop at my Grandfathers playing with the chickens. I do remember other things about that time.

3) If you weren’t a [  ] what other profession would you choose?
If I weren’t unemployed? The job I “choose” is serving. Even though people are cheaper than ever, walking with a days worth of tips is far better than waiting 2 weeks for a paycheck that get’s pissed away the hour it hits my account. Damn, I wish jobs would pay weekly, but that would invite you to call bullshit on your time card from 13 days ago and who wants to stop your whole check on that. Corporate bullshit.

4) Describe a typical work day.
After Carolla, I’ll troll the useless job ads on the net long enough for me to microwave & eat a cheese potato. I plan my day, decide if I’ll go out and what for. When I do, it’s to apply at jobs or go to the store for groceries or pet food. Since I make my own schedule, I actually tend to stay in sat/ sun to avoid the weekend consumers and go out on Tuesdays/ weds when they’re all locked in their jobs. I make a list of something to write about. I write up at least a page by the end of the day. Sprinkle a chore or 2, feed and pet my cat. that’s it for now, desperately looking for something to put on the calendar I can look forward to. Today I plan on going to Santa Cruz for Cinco de Mayo. Should only cost me $20 to get there and back, have a couple of beers and lunch. Take shitload of pics/vids and walk around.

5) Is there a time you wish you’d lied?
Sometimes I wish it was about the last time I moved, but I’d be in a world of debt and lost even more than I have somehow already. I’d bet I’d be on the street without my cat even.

6) What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?
There’s a book based on this, right down to the age. I’d tell myself to get a tow truck license and buy a motor home. Go to Grand Canyon ASAP to avoid 90% of the consumer shit I’ve been involved in for over 2 wasteful decades of my life. Respect resources, avoid collecting anything. Everything you need can fit in a car, honestly.

7) If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?
I love that you use album, because that’s what music releases are. No goddamn “did you download the new mp3 w/ the app that will all crash leaving you with nothing less than 5 years from now?” That being said, I’d have to say either a rockabilly compilation or even a country/ western album. They make me feel happy and a little sad at the same time.

8) What are three websites—other than your email—that you check on a daily basis?
e-mail? I check that maybe once a month and spend most of that flagging spam that never gets blocked the following month. I check 1) youtube for my weekly favorites. There are some people putting out good stuff more than once a week which I think is impressive. 2) Adam carolla pod cast, most of his rants speak for me and keep me from ranting online so much as well. 3) some Vegas news source. Sometimes it’s Las Vegas Sun, sometimes it’s one of a dozen Vegas news pages I have bookmarked in it‘s own folder.  Sometimes it’s fox 5, which is a bit of a twist. I loathe fox, but the newscasters are my favorite. Plus they have The Rant.

9) From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
It comes down to me reading books. My mind is so fucked, it goes on auto criticize. It goes back and pulls some shitty times into the present, even when I don’t want them to. It’s all these elimination shows and cop procedural shows that basically teaches you everyone is bullshitting you, you need to judge and keep pursuing the lie. I try to stop watching all these shows. So it comes back to me, I ultimately snap myself out of my bad mood even though I look for an external inspiration. Books are the last great classic art and I spend more time reading what’s supposed to be non-fiction. There’s a surprising amount of fictional liberties people use in non-fiction, I.e. “compiling” character traits into one “representative person.”

Wow, I’m not even half way thru this and I’m at my page length. Hm. I’ll continue this later. Join me for the exciting conclusion, esp if you know the questions.