Unemploymentosphere

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Cheerleading 101

Writer’s blog: 66398.29

When you’re unemployed longer than you ever thought possible, you have to do a lot of mental self pep talks to keep going.

That last blog made me examine “sides” a lot. I had to see a list of every side I was on, think about why if they weren’t on “the winning” side. I see my favorite things either closing, becoming obsolete or on some documentary revealing the truths about things I was taught from (public) school.

I’ve read a lot of books about attitudes. I have worked on ranting less, which is odd. The people who have worked with me asked if I have been in commercials because of the energy I brought, customers included. I rant online in mostly anonymous profiles, largely so past/ potential employers can’t make the connection.

Even though I don’t have a job, I work on maintaining a schedule. I portion time to look for work, exercise (mostly by getting around), and try to find “free fun” in my community. I try to find redeeming things about this community I’ve left twice in my life as if it were any new city I’d move to if I could. I try to prioritize  things I can learn from or make money from. All things considered, I’ve been a far better boos to myself than some of the demanding yet stone managers I had to endure.

I have even applied for some of those jobs where they throw around the happy little work culture they brag about. I have spilled my heart out to a manager or 2 for a chance, when I haven’t stolen from a job- or anyone, I have a clean record, I am sharp and wittier (than frankly what I’ve seen there), etc.

At the grocery store, I buy healthier than I ever have, a lot of bulk things. Turns out, I eat a lot of old school/ kid’s snack things. I snack on raw vegetables or I steam them. I knocked $15 off groceries just buy buying a bag of potatoes. I snack on fruits, drink juices (and coffee/ mocha in the morning).

Every day is hard. I have goals that spin their wheels because I need a pay check to put most of them in motion. I have done some serious damage on my “if I had the time” lists of things to do.

It’s hard for me to visualize my goals. If I dream too high up, they’re unattainable. I don’t want to “settle for less,” it’s a big fear. I have lived the high life before. I listed most of the things I’ve wasted money on as well as people I wasted my time trying to impress when what I wanted was friends that would be with me thru these tough times.

Before I may have written about my goal plan. I have a dry erase board I write my weekly/ monthly and yearly goals. I try to keep them at an “easy 3,” since with top 10 lists, everything doesn’t get done. I don’t count the usual errands/ chores on my weekly (which I do have a printed list for), I mean something I do to go above that.

One of the problems I’m having is finding something “fun” to do to entertain me when I get down that is also productive or educational. I don’t want to play any video games. I try to limit my watching tv unless it meets a dozen criteria. As far as reception tv, I watch PBS the most. Then I watch my netflix of all the things that have stood the test of time as classics not just to critics, but from work of mouth of people who’s opinions I trust.

There’s a part of me that is very reluctant to accept this period of my life. I try hard to accept it as a learning time. I have very restless days where I want to work my ass off and sweat and walk with a handful of tips. I have had to think about what kids and seniors do with their financial/ mobile limitations.

I try to look at the positives of using public transportation, buying responsibly from smaller companies. I have a moral code I live by, even though my suffering makes me question it at times. A criteria I use is “when I had money, I…” and am happy when I did what I thought was right then as well.

Why has the past 2 years been about a perforated little piece of paper for me to put in the bank? I want to wake up and not feel stuck in life. Being happy is fighting a tide of employed/ corporate types.

Why can’t I get a break

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2012/04/25 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , | Leave a comment

Second Weekly Blog?

Writer’s blog, mancave date 66297.87

(It occurred to me it may not be right to use “bardate” until I can regularly go to one again :/)

I debated writing a second blog/ week, I have no reason not to when I consider some vloggers are making 5 videos/ week on youtube.

So then I considered a format for it. I know I’d try to post it on Thursdays. I think it would be best to consider it a bonus blog in case I can’t keep doing it every week. I should be able to, I have enough in my mind. I’ve seen people on youtube that have a second “channel” for “behind the scenes” stuff.

Should I do a weekly news thing? I’ve grown to rant about people who do this, but I understand why. Current events bring popular media recognition to a blog/ vlog. I’d get pissed that people have to scrape the news barrel for something to comment on. Meanwhile I’m watching a lot of these people regularly, so double damn on me. I’m a black pot. But I don’t want to just rant about the hypocrisies of news, a trap I fall very easily into. I need to Bugs Bunny shit that annoys me and cut back on my Daffy Duck.

A few years ago, I used to give people shit about talking about tv characters at work or while we were in a bar, as if they were real people. I had a point then, we were in FUCKING VEGAS. There are millions of things to do all over town and in hundreds of bars, clubs, restaurants and attractions to be talking about fake tv. And half of tv is filmed in Vegas anyway. It’s still cool to see me on my motorcycle pop up on stock footage in a show, or me in someone who I don’t know vacation’s photo background.

Now I’m on the outside, looking in. Now I can renti things that were filmed when I was there. And it’s largely because I can no longer afford to go out and what‘s on network tv now would drive me to a lower mental capacity. I now watch the film/ tv shows that seem to have a big impact on not only my friends, but critics and even some award shows. I usually dismiss the “big” award shows, since they miss the most historical films of the time.

There are a lot of films/ tv shows I’ve never heard of. Why? I put a lot of those movies aside unless there are a lot of actors I like in it or a film maker that thinks out of the box I can trust: your Art Linklater, Charlie Kaufmans and Terry Gilliam types.

After watching 11 seasons of CSI on DVD, there are a lot of movies written out there stupidly writing down in rom coms, etc. I can’t imagine any actor from CSI doing one of those dopey mindless “if they just talked for 5 minutes to clear up the miscommunication there wouldn’t be a movie” comedies.

Or, screw it, maybe I’ll just write stream of consciousness Thursday and allow my Monday posts to be about a single thing. Or… keep the Monday format and concentrate on developing that and my “second draft posted” grammar. I pick a random blog and I still correct grammar/ spellings that pick at my brain.

And then there’s my audience where I’m tempted to say what do you guys want? I admit, I don’t have much of a following, this is more for me to just get things out of my head. I throw my little bottled messages here and on twitter into the interweb’s ocean. I don’t get out and promote on every other site, or drop my handle linked comments all over the net. For now, anyways.

I maintain my social sites so that when I can work and feel happier about being able to put money into my dreams, I can start to link some of the sites together.

Yeah, I spent my extra blog writing about writing an extra blog. #meta

So, Thursdays could be anything above, it’s a bonus blog day.

2012/04/18 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

My cat, Fuzzy

Owner’s blog, cat date 66292.29

I have a list of things to complain about. But I’m tired of all that. they’ll always be there. I read all kinds of things about how to deal with anger, frustration. I think of reams of rants, but when I look at my blank, white screen I fight to keep my nemeses at bay to limit their voices- their power- in MY journal. I never want to be an enabling sheep. I point things out. I already just deleted 3 paragraphs that derail me from what I want this chapter to be about. The shepherd has to prevail.

There are lots of isolated characters I’ve read and seen on film & tv, from the wise man, to the deserted man to mad scientist, to the guy in his evil lair. what a lot of them have in common is a pet they contemplate life plans with when there is no one else.

Let me start off with, yes I have owned dogs when I was young. Not much fun with the barking and the crap mine detail around the house. I was a dog person when I had them. Now I’m a cat person. Poop and pee in one convenient box! I know plenty of the dog and cat debates. I have owned pets in tanks, from fish to hermit crabs top lizards. I’ve owned caged pets, including a parakeet whose shrieks went right to my nervous system. I preferred the cooing of a finch I had. All of those pets have come and gone, but my cat remains. I’ve been pondering that “___ come and go, but ___ remains” quote a lot, trying to absorb and appreciate those second blanks.

I got fuzzy and his sister when I worked rides at a theme park, from a girlfriend’s parents house. They came from a littler of 4, the mother had over 5 different colors and patterns of fur, her name was Muffin. My g/f at the time named the small “runt” of the litter Bunny for some reason. We also got one of her brothers that I got to name, Fuzzy which made more sense to me and the name still went with Bunny’s. The other 2 were blonde boy kitties that remained at her parents court, outdoor cats. We took them as soon as they were weaned from their mother. I hope, looking back… Fuzz was black and grey stripes, Bunny was a mix of colors, greys, black, white and tan, just like her mother. I never saw the father.

We used to take them to the park in a basket, everything they did was precious. They scampered around the house when they were little, I used to enjoy hearing their little stampede around the condo, of course when I was quiet working on something else. You could hold one in your hand like a softball. We took them to the vets regularly for checkups and shots. The county offered a free voucher per pet and early on, we got them both spade and neutered. I remember that it took Bunn longer to recover, with her poor little radar dish.

I have blogged elsewhere about her brother and it’s in a file I can’t find, the blog entry lost in some server that GeoCities or MySpace was absorbed into something else.

It happened after I took a trip to Vegas, when I decided I needed to go look for work there. When I came back, I let the cats out in the front yard as I had done. The stupidest thing I did was let them out for progressively longer periods of time, trusting they would stay out of trouble and come back in on their own. Top 5 You Fucking Idiot time of my life award.

“SCREECH.” I went out front and a car was stopped. Bunn was inside. Her brother wasn’t. I ran out and thank the driver that he stopped to get out and consider what he had hit. He was even very apologetic. I told him to stay there, I was already running in the house for the kitty carrier.

I had a car at the time, so after carefully placing my wailing boy in the kitty carrier, I drove him to the vets. I remember guttural growling as I cried and drove with my right hand nuzzling his head in the passenger seat as I drove us, shaking and struggling to say comforting things towards the vets.

Our vet was in fact someone I worked with at the theme park, it was his “weekend” side job for fun. We worked on the park’s railroad together. He was there and the one I could count on to work on my cat as if it were his own. I cried and even called my mother, as I had before in an emergency.

A couple of hours into it, I had to accept some things, drowning in tears. No, I just wanted him to live. I’ve seen people take care of cats without all their legs. What was important to me was that I keep his spirit alive, let me love him longer.

The vet told me that he couldn’t realistically keep Fuzzy alive, his mind wouldn’t be fully there if he could. I really didn’t give a shit about what money I had to “borrow” to keep him alive. When I realized he most likely wouldn’t be in his state of mind again, I had to accept things and drive him home in his kitty carrier until he went to sleep for the last time.

I kept my hand on him as I lay, he smelled like blood. I told him how much we loved him over and over and happy memories we shared. I’m happy I took pics of them playing.

Bunn was confused, she would wander around. After he passed away, I just left him in the carrier until I figured out what to do the next day. I kept good thoughts and smiled thru tears. It wasn’t a time to debate God, it was a time to celebrate my boy fuzzy and if there was a spirit rising from him I had to let him see we loved him and how he enriched mine and Bunn’s lives. She approached him, smelled that he was… different and walked away. I cried for the 3 of us all night & the next morning, pretty useless for me to try to lie in bed.

I would up buying him in the front yard among some rose plants that line the front of the condo I’m staying in again, now a decade later. When we came back, I’d sit out front and let Bunn play for a while until she started eating the grass. I saw in a documentary about yard maintenance and all the chemicals they put into lawn care. It made her sicker than I thought all those years.

I meant to write about Bunn, but this needed to be shared again. I’ll write about happy times with her within a few weeks.

2012/04/16 Posted by | History 101 | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What side are we on?

Writer’s blog, bardate 66270.66

When it comes down to it, I think I have 2 choices when I blog, positive or negative. I have, online before isolated people when I rant because it’s usually in the form of “us vs. them.” I get bombarded by things society pushes on me all day that I put up with, but then I go online and perpetuate it by bombarding you. And I do realize that you may have had nothing to do with the things that get pushed on me all week and that my frustration may come out of nowhere to you, even setting you off when our beliefs differ.

I am confused and troubled on how to get out of “the situation I‘m in.” But I find that this is a constant, even when I was employed, even when I had things I don’t now. So I look to all kinds of things I hadn’t considered before, try to look at things from another point of view. Try to find out how to enjoy where I am in life without comparing now to when things were better or what others have “more of“ than I do, an impossibly can’t win standard.

Realistically, a lot of other points of view I checked out have just proven themselves to be exactly as stupid and narrow-minded as I imagined them to be. Then there’s a middle category, where I can understand where they’re coming from, even though my belief is still different.

Each issue has sides to it. I was going to write a blog a few weeks ago on how we’re conditioned to think everyone is an asshole. And I’m not even getting into a discussion about politics, religion or sports, which I put in the order I thought had the most effects to society. See, you may already be thinking different here.

TV or not TV: I may be about 5 years too late for this, but since I started writing in this blog regularly for a few months I suppose I can chalk it up to “back story.” I didn’t have cable tv since I spent a week horrified of 9/11 reports. I allowed myself to be sucked into the fear, and yet I still wasn’t frightened into voting for Bush (either time). I haven’t had broadband for a while til this January, since I scored it for cheap, less than $20/ mo (netzero.net), a couple bucks more than they offered for their dial-up that I put up w/ a few years.

I don’t watch a lot of tv, what I rent on Netflix are movies and tv shows that I factor from the “best of” what I’ve missed in the past decade I was partying in Vegas.

Before that, I believed in a “future’s future.” That meant I liked all the Star Trek Shows. And I’m not talking about the freaky aliens, I’m talking about how races of Earth were together, going out discovering & helping other cultures w/ their problems. There was a hierarchy for organizations you could believe in. Trek may have had corrupt people in systems, but whether you were Federation or Klingon, or whatever, you didn’t think the organization itself was in shambles as the organizations that basically run our society.

It’s interesting to look back to see what the future was supposed to be. When Star Trek was on, the future didn’t have anything to do with “reality tvkim kardashian, jersey shore type shows. It wasn’t led by socialites in trouble with the law, the paris hilton, or lindsey lohan, or the celebrities battling with their weight and botched cosmetic surgeries. It’ didn’t have anything to do with drugs, food and water supplies that we couldn’t trust. Nor did it involve power, electric or the gas that runs our vehicles to get more expensive, resources that was not only running lower, but polluting our planet. It didn’t have anything to do with all our electronics being networked on a new system, this internet, that is far more unstable that governments themselves have been hacked repeatedly on it. We’re all supposed to be logical scientists with tricorders working on “higher” levels of problems.

I have my interests that are often in the minority I admit. When “everyone” likes something, I find a reason to pick into it’s popularity, aside from being middle of the road, bland, sold out, the corporation that sponsored it, made in China, etc.

But, I’m trying. I look back and at every job, I’ve gone along with the others, I picked my battles. I put up with a lot of shit, but then find myself in a position that when I finally need something people don’t rally behind me to help me out, as I’ve done time and time again for them. I read psych books that say, if people bother you so much, stop hanging around them. This isolates me. I’m supposed to go out there into new environments to “network,” and find new opportunities, that I reluctantly do every week.

And by the way, are the unemployed sitting at home any less anti-social than going out with your friends every night to have your head stuck in an igadget?

I could write a supplemental list of sides of issues that I think about every day.

Next week, I’m considering writing about my cat. I think she deserves some blog time. And hopefully it’ll be a happier topic, for my head.

Any other topic suggestions?

2012/04/08 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Good Ol’ Ramblin Blog

Writer’s blog, bardate 66259.45

I don’t feel like organizing a blog this week, so you’ll get the rock skipping around topics this week, as long as it’s too long to tweet.

I’m addicted to the Adam Carolla pod casts. He does complain a lot, but in the most entertaining way. He’s good at drawing some obscure or forgotten thing we all get to parallel his points. I love the out of context sound bites, or “pulls.” I love the talk shit about the news items. Since I can’t get Howard stern in a decade, I miss that. Sick of and a little furied by the newscaster drones that smile about the bullshit they report about.

There’s some disciplining I need to do. Unemployed and even people who work at home are guilty of this. We get so used to everything being on our own time, so used to changing what we’re doing on our every whim that we get sidetracked with a lot of loose things on our desk at the end of the day.

I spend a lot of time making lists, writing, condensing a lot of things. Maybe in my efforts to curb my physical hoarding, I may switch to written thought hoarding. I can’t help it. I have discovered that my whole family hoards a lot, they each have a half-dozen collections of something. In one case, so large, they were interviewed on the news (record albums).

Regarding my bardates, that was something I came up with at the opening of the Star Trek Experience. I worked for now defunct Paramount Parks at the time and I was present at the opening. I discovered I can’t find a lot of digicam pics I took for years because my camera back then randomly reset it’s “master” number count. Maybe it was when batteries were removed for x amount of time? So, numbers were reset and windows 98 appeared to fuck my shit up. Oh-

I had to have gone thru my drive one day to pull pictures and got the prompt if I wanted to replace a file with the same number or not. That version didn’t offer to tack on a (1), (2), etc after. So I lost dozens if not hundreds of pics that were saved over other batches. It’s why I carry disposable cameras for pictures of people “with me” and “hot chicks” while I use the digicam for “scenic” pictures and people I don‘t know. And now, photo developers are starting to phase out their film developing machines! Damn, Kodak. They’re struggling, so instead of saving the dying format for us with film, they sell it off for it to dissolve. Digi has always been shittier quality.

Even movies at the theaters are all going digital. When our country’s “best directors” go with this and not fight to at least keep the rep theaters with film, we’re all fucking doomed. In a decade film will be black market shit and this kills me with all the other American industries doomed by computers.

I’ve been trying to focus on good things, although I just ranted. I’m focusing on spending less time that annoy me. I watch as little TV as possible for the best, classic things I need to see on PBS and my netflix cue. I have to watch the best things I can because I read Netflix CEO is interested in streaming and cable channel and wants to give minimal effort into the only DVD home delivery service I like, until it will die out.

Just go with the times, you say. I have no problem doing this if the “change” is an actual improvement. All this new crap is either 1) rehashed old stuff, 2) “technology” that is basically, buy this new thing to move all our old stuff (pictures, movies, computer files and games) to. And it’s in 3-D that makes your eyes hurt. And you have to buy all the accessories and monthly subscriptions.

I don’t want to buy an I-anything that you know will be an obsolete “patch” for next years model. You used to be able to buy something that lasted over a decade that stood on it’s own, not networked to something. I want my future “things” to maintain that standard, alright? And I don’t see a lot right now that can get past my “around in 10 years” standard.

The lottery I wanted to write more about, but I want to limit my second-parters. I’ll turn it on it’s ear into something else sometime.

2012/04/03 Posted by | random trains of thought- choo choo | , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment