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Comedy Podcast Therapy

podcast blog, stream date: 131209:20

Maybe last year, I dabbled in podcasts from comedians I enjoy (and in one case I actually didn’t). Keep your enemies closer, that bothered me. Some days I have to analyze them, try to figure out what’s going on. If I do that, the realization becomes I’m obsessing on them, so I cut ties. And then I question my behavior because I quit. I hate when people quit over something as lame as a disagreement. Aren’t there married couples with opposite political beliefs? How do they do that?

So each podcast I listened to had a guest that led to another. The obvious barometer could be do they have cool guests? Yeah, I listened to those. But then after a few, I pick an episode where they don’t have guests or in some cases even a co-host (if they have one). Could they carry the ball on their own?

I have over 30 pod casts, probably approaching 40 that I’m listening to. It’s clearly the talk show format that tv and terrestrial radio failed to give us. Commercials are like stds and I don’t want to get infected by a lot of those big retailers. Podcasts if they have ads, venture into online ads, the “new frontier.”

Online businesses that don’t have brick and mortar and don’t at least appear to be outsourced outside US are still a big mystical quality to them. And yet these magical online businesses also contribute to massive unemployment in the US. Production is automated or outsourced to sweatshops that don‘t have unions to protect minors/ employees rights. Technology IS replacing the American worker.

Books have become the education I can afford. The vocational classes I want to take cost $hundreds, while their books I could still check out or buy at a fraction. I just don’t get the degree. But all those people with degrees working fast food and retail aren’t much of an incentive, either.

The more pod casts I listen to, the more I hear that people “in the business” had parents that were in it. They took their kid to work one day and they were caught in the spell. Comedians seem to come from a few places and honestly, I’m reasonably past the point to be in a male a capella group in NYU.

Celebrities always talk about how lucky they were to get that first big break. But they lived in l.a., where agents and bookers hang out at comedy clubs on their night off. Every child that makes the news because they did some incredible thing had parents that put them in a certain school, or contacted make a wish whose business it was to call around to broker people looking for charitable publicity.

I always look for those that haven’t gotten their break yet and have plucked away at their trade for over a decade. When I hear about someone who finally made it, I can believe. Those fictional sports movies/ shows are such bullshit to me. It’s fake, they didn’t win anything!? The script said so, of course they were confident, there were no actual stakes!? Even if it’s a recreation the actors are too pompous. Each minute on the field, it’s adrenaline. You never know if you make those last critical points. You can make the best shot and still lose the big game and all your support groups disappear after that.

Podcasts let me know people are still plucking away out there. Many celebs wind up talking about what they talk about with therapists. With the guest and the host trying to figure out what those dry spell problems are, what they mean.. Hey, free therapy for me as I ask the same questions.


2013/12/09 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Airborne Turkey Day

Trainer’s blog, reserve date: 131011:16

I had a dream that I went to Bonnie springs and they needed help.

I actually wanted to apply there before and went as far as to talk to employees there and the woman at the hotel “in the real“. They do have arrangements. It was definitely a fantasy place, even when it gets frosty in the winter. I could imagine bringing pig cloth or hay out to help keep the animals keep warm over winter. I even worry about them not being there when I read reports online about winter in the Red Rock valley.

They hired me and apparently I had specialized in this at some point, working with animals before.

Cue the montage where I’m teaching turkeys how to fly. Last time I was there, they had 2 turkeys they were taking care of. They were somewhat domesticated and allowed me to approach, feed and pet them.

In my dream I was trying to get them to exercise their wingspan by acting out opening my wings: a cape. Kinda sit com-my, but it was serious in the dream. Then I brought all kinds of flying birds near them to demonstrate, like pigeons. I held them as they expanded their wings.

Cut to me trying to get a hawk to cooperate and it didn’t go so well. I think Hutton did a better job hosting falcons.

I wasn’t trying to teach them to fly right off, I was trying to get them to exercise their wingspan and flap their wings to build up muscle thru exercise. I couldn’t really chase them, but I did have to figure out how to get them running and flapping on their own volition. It did involve removing all their food containers and instead stringing a large plastic open container and dragging it filled with food for them to “pursue.”

I knew I was making progress when they were drinking more water. I joined them with my cup of water and I imagined we were sitting around like an office coffee break, looking around, breathing reflectively.

Should I say spoilers? It’s not that I got turkeys to fly, but they did get leaner, stronger and any time someone walked by with an ax, they were able to properly defend themselves.

And then Bonnie herself, in her walker, led me over to another area where they got some new residents from the recently closed Vegas Zoo: Ostriches. (I don’t know if the ostriches happened in real life, but the Zoo was closed.)

When I woke up, I thought this was a dream about thanksgiving coming up. Over the past few years I have decided that Columbus day would be indigenous Veterans day, or Native American reparations day, where I go some place to enjoy fry bread, and debate whether or not to include endangered buffalo meat dish. I’d probably sub plain ol’ popcorn.


As I typed this, I’m realizing what else it could mean. And that it came from my own mind is a definite kick in the pants that I have to use.

Every Thanksgiving, I want to not eat Turkey. But I have volunteered at kitchens and of course it’s the main attraction of the day, it seems like an insult to not eat the main course that mothers/ parents have waited in line to feed their kids. If I didn’t volunteer, I wouldn’t eat turkey. I even gave up my favorite turkey bacon when I limited meat on my diet. It was easier after reading about the usda articles.



2013/10/11 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Summertime, Back In The Day Is Now

Summer’s blog, fair date 201307:16

One of the biggest paradoxes in writing is that when everything is busy and exciting there’s “no time” to write. And when you have time, things are boring, slow or you’re depressed so it’s harder to write because you have to capture the excitement of when things were great and your consciousness was expanded, etc. And whatever good time is had, you take into overtime (over your weekly routine) as long as you can make it last, really.

Enlightenment is a frail, I believe living creature. It can escape you, it can move on or even retreat in the past waiting to see if you remember or learn from it. You can only have it alone to enjoy, briefly. It’s like when you come back from vacation. Everything is wonderful because you are glowing and people have to dial you down, reel you in, knock you back down. Society does this. Peers do this. Sit coms do this. They make sure you’re knocked back to your weekly status quo.

I got mine back.

I’ve read books on behaviors, habits and obligations. The past few years, I have gotten to do so much on my own without compromise, restrictions or obligations I often wonder how I could possibly go back to taking orders from a mentally detached shift manager and ass kissing, back stabbing coworkers and thankless customers that patronize a business looking for a cheap miracle.

But July has been a burst of 3-4 outings that have made me feel so much better about things. I did a Trek manoeuver trope and “reversing the polarity” of a problem I’ve horribly self-imposed for a few years. Confidence and assertiveness is also a complicated mesh to navigate thru, to not get snagged on arrogance or overbearing.

The whole point of this summer for me is to go back and do some of the things on my own that I couldn’t enjoy the first time, or things I haven’t done in over a decade. I did plenty of research on what is also booming business wise, so I don’t go to a “dead” events/ places. Some festivals and special events I want to be busy to enjoy.

I had a great experience going to a neighboring county fair. It captured the spirit of the fair I remembered from the past and still present with technology. It was so many things, local artists, diy-ers and farmers. So much food, so much community. And I met someone, or rather she met me. And that led to an over-nighter to next day-er. And that led to quite a second date, this time the home game. 3rd on deck…

It looks like I’m discovering and realizing my role with women I go out with, now. It’s like those post apocalyptic movies, you have the “Doc” of the faction the protag finds himself in, the sage older guy with the young cute hunter/ armed girlfriend/ partner on missions. Yeah… that’s a better place to be than these dopey fuddy duddy dads I’ve seen, silenced by their sassy house-led wife. Or worse, the anti-hero violent tendencies dad.

It’s theoretically tougher to do some things like movies and museums with all the kids out for summer, but strangely is still empty from what I remember summers to be. Kids are just home gaming and watching tv, I know it. I stay away from malls, I know they’re in there, too. It’s not even fun anymore to cruise the mall as a pick me up, passing the island of tired, waiting guys sitting with their woman’s shopping bags.

On the 4th, I went to my local annual baseball game, followed with the only fireworks show in town. I have no idea why movies can’t capture the baseball going experience. Movies have to emphasize their calculated wacky diverse team on their obligated wining season. Sit coms are locked to their bleacher set so they can get into it with the person sitting next to them. Yawnsville. There’s so much going on at a game, it’s really it’s own movie.

I have 3 plans for August for the big summer finale, including going to Santa Cruz!


2013/07/07 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Battling the terror

Rambler’s Blog, walk date 130416:19

Yesterday, I wanted to get into part 4 of the writing series but my head was in a funk after the Marathon bombing. I hadn’t watched the news in a long time and I thought watching it a little wouldn’t hurt. Of course I had nightmares last night and it affected my day today.

Every week, I have a set list of goals and then a few I think up that would make the “biggest impact,” on getting me “back,” meaning several things you’re likely to guess. I applied to 2 of 5 places I had in mind. This senseless violence was bothering me. I had been in a minimum of 6 motorcycle accidents, I was hoping my mind didn’t have hair-trigger PTSD anymore.

So I did many things today to… find inspiration, to reaffirm some faith in humanity. Things were going great the past few weeks, I wasn’t about to let some random asshole 2 time zones away ruin things.

I realized most of my thoughts are set up to be status updates: nice compact sentences. Here, my writing is also compacted, to get everything I have to think about a subject within a typewritten 2 column page. My other writing, I get to draw things out to capture every sense, answer all the w’s and yet stay focused on the point of what chapter/ memory is.

One of the things I like to do is visit the adopt a pets, but it also makes me sad. It’s sad I can’t afford to adopt a pair of older cats to take care of in their later years. It’s also sad that I can’t volunteer at any shelters, they favor those with a vehicle to get around to adoption locations to watch the animals and to bring supplies around. And there’s someone already to attend the 3 closest locations to where I am.

One of the greatest things is when I get to take off and explore things I haven’t done before. Thankfully I got to do that later on my trip. I decided that most of the local events I didn’t attend the past year or so to save money is something I need to do again. That also relates to something all these news stories of tragedies and closures got me thinking about. I want the innocence back in my life.

There are a lot of definitions of that. Is going back to childhood too far? Revisiting core beliefs may not be so bad, as long as I don’t dwell there. People quoted Mister Rogers after the bombing and I thought about what people took comfort in. Clearly Mister Rogers was to remind us older folk lessons we were shown as kids still can apply, maybe to pass on to the next generation. Muppets? Schoolhouse rock? Clifford? Fraggle Rock? Pooh bear?

Teen years, too can be innocence. Teenage kids are resigned to be without transportation and to be “have nots,” thinking that all it takes is to bide your time until you can go to college or turn 21 to be happy. There are many coming of age movies that don’t involve getting laid or stoned.

College kids are probably the last stage of innocence before being sent to a cubicle or other job that becomes their defining career. They have winter and spring break vacations to take on the snobs at the slopes or regatta contest. This is when you turn 21 and make all your first bar mistakes.

I decided this spring and summer to go to a lot of places I haven’t been to since I was little. I remember a lot of places I was taken on field trips are still around. There are a lot of places I should check in on, changes or (preferably) not.

And hopefully, if it’s easy to get to, they may even be hiring or accepting volunteers at least.


2013/04/16 Posted by | random trains of thought- choo choo | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Lentmowrimo Mardi Gras, Ash Williams and Easter pool party

Motivator’s blog, Celebration date: 130212:15

There’s a few people I follow on the net that post vlogs every day or amazing videos at least 3 times/ week. I’m amazed that they can edit and find some public domain music to use and have it up by the end of the day.

It’s no excuse but an admission that I don’t write when I’m busy. But when I’m not, I get in a funk because I’m a lazy ass and don’t write, which is as logical as someone eating junk food because they’re not losing weight.

For over 2 years I’ve been beating myself up, analyzing, researching, reading, figuring out not only where things went wrong but how I can not do it again. At the same time, I was also looking for a job to get me back in the game of life so I can save up to move where I can be that ever elusive “happy” concept.

Admittedly, it’s tough to write a blog when I don’t see my hits going up. I don’t write this expecting leagues of fans, but I thought I at least wanted the following I had when I blogged on myspace in it’s heyday years. I hate myself for checking the stats, but when I’m logged in there’s a damn monitor right there that I can’t block out, mentally or literally removing the function from the tool bar.

But that’s wrong. In my heart of hearts, I have to do this for me. I have to do this for the therapy. Putting myself out here, exposing my “weaknesses” is very risky, since I’ve seen celebrities overdo this and lose a lot of people with TMI. And we usually call these people comedians or musicians. I fall in the comedian category, since my life doesn’t go like a True Hollywood Story, with the drugs and the rehab, and ditched women with children. Truth be known the only thing keeping me from pursuing a career in stand up is the TSA. I hate airlines more than Indy hates the Nazis. In less than a century, terrorists and airline share holders fucked up the gift of flight.

This is a- thee HUGE month for me. Brick by brick I have built a ramp for let’s see… At least 139 weeks for the opportunity that’s coming. I have a countdown on my desktop counting the days down. And the number is pleasantly less than a year, less than a season now.

Spring is amazing, sans allergies. And colony collapse disorder can’t be helping. Oh, I’ve read about insecticides to cell towers and all that doom of where we’re heading. Everything becomes a documentary on how humans fuck the earth up. It’s why I love animals more than humans (at least it’s “leaders”).

Last year, I chose to make Earth my religion. I had to make hearing god and jesus bearable, so whenever I hear god, I mentally plug in the word Earth. When I hear jesus I mentally switch in Mother Nature. For some reason it’s a stigma to be thought of as a hippy. I’m shifting towards a more organic, less manufactured consumer and recycler.

Mardi Gras is supposed to be a night of celebration before taking on Lent, a month of sacrifice towards a good path. I’ve had the opposite problem. I’ve suffered. I’m the first to criticism myself and I have imploded on a regular basis. My lent is to try to celebrate the good things in life again. stop being a Charlie Brown and be Snoopy.

Cover of "Evil Dead II"

Ash Wednesday marathon!

There are people who recycle. There are people who buy local. There are people who don’t shop at the big box store, don’t live off fast food and don’t waste their hours on mindless tv. They go out, ride bikes and play games with their friends, not some program on a screen. I have to enjoy time with these people and stop being the battered shield for all that shit at the end of the documentaries.

I have analyzed all the times in my life when I was at my best and came up with similar conclusions. I have read many political, business, Buddhist, humor, sociology and psychological books to gain understanding.

This is the month where I take more action, face my biggest fears until I can laugh at them and do things the way I should have when I had the income.

2013/02/12 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

2013 Mission Statement (about the author thing)

Blogdate: 130110:19

It’s strange that my resolutions for the year are “more of the same.” My resolutions are really a carry over list of my weekly/ December list, really. There are degrees of satisfaction and complacency I have to beware. I must have goals I can achieve towards going where I want to and not get into another rut.

I was really surprised that I was happier than I thought come the end of last year. Surviving the second apocalypse of my life made me appreciative. While busting my ass to get hired, I actually achieved something else inadvertently. So in 2013, I will spend more time researching where to build the landing ramp, since I’ve built the shit out of the launch ramp. Still looking for the vehicle to ride across the unemployment chasm.

Continue to spend wise: I’m no longer thinking of myself as a tight-ass when it comes to spending, even when I do. What I notice when I go thru my dozen receipts every other month is that my purchases aren’t filled with the regret I had years ago. I buy shit I need and when I eat out, it’s to check out a restaurant and that’s pretty minimal. One of my biggest achievements of 2012 was paying off my one credit card without a (paycheck) job.

Eat healthier: I have done this, most of my groceries are now in the produce area. I buy as few canned things as possible (toxic lining). I reduced my meat intake to “a few bits” per meal, cutting back on preservatives and all that crap they pump into the animals. I try to eat less monocultured foods, which is the toughest thing to do along with cutting hfcs, every food has something that big farm tainted. I get craving for sweets so instead of corn syrup, I allowed myself dark chocolate or honey in it (checking the label for no chems).

Buy smaller and more local: The grocery store is probably the biggest chain I go to, California wide. Eh, I go to the (national) dollar store once every other month. I love the mom and pop shops, I go to the only couple of used book stores accessible to me. I go to the flea market every other month, “to browse.” The only thing I bought from manufacturer remains Dickies (indestructible) clothing. If I can’t buy it American, I buy it used at least, like at a thrift store.

There are other things I’ve been working on, like fuck the Jonses. The US has a strange fascination on tv it seems of following the richest people with “rich problems,” or “trashy” people “below” them (“reality” shows). People used to strive for better and I don’t know what happened. So I’ll strive for a “couple of levels” above me in terms of what I myself accomplished before.

The big goal I’ve had for the past couple of years is something of a recurring joke I’ve attacked from every angle possible and “not” tried. Applying with a history gap is shit that gets worse. The only thing I feel I make progress on is making or selling my own product or service I don’t need licenses or years of schooling for. So, my goal for the year is more related to researching more independent income methods that wind up being bullshit money-making schemes and scams.

I currently research a dozen cities demographics to see where my life can go, more importantly how I could survive until a first paycheck.

2013/01/10 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Tournament of Hopes?

Post-apocalypsedate: 130101:23

I planned to get trashed last night, but I wound up being the Watcher for a drunk pack of women. Partial compensation included letting me feel up one of the girls who recently healed from enlargement surgery. Honked whenever I wanted to and I did even when I didn’t- just to do. You get that extra plateful of deserts at the AYCE buffet even though you’re full. Did you get to go anywhere fun for new years?

We woke up and watched the Tournament of Roses parade. It’s something of a tradition w/ K & her son. If I ever saw the parade before it had to have been before I ever drank alcohol, an obvious new years staple.

I was really impressed with the parade and I’ll even write with no irony that it was sweet, hopeful and inspirational. I don’t know if the themes are always positive, but the theme was Oh The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss. It has to do with the future, travel and adventure.

Oh.. The Places You'll Go !

Oh.. The Places You’ll Go ! (Photo credit: prayitno)

Being a parade float captain and organizer in Vegas (long and worth it story), I got all kinds of ideas and scenarios that ran thru my mind as the parade developed. There were a lot of things I liked about it, especially that it wasn’t a Christmas parade building up to a santa finale.

There were all kinds of things I liked: equestrians, real penguins, rescue animals! Any animals I loved. Kids and babies were kids, not the bratty hammy kids. I don’t know how intentional it was for this year or if they always did it but I liked the lack of rifle twirler rotc type groups. I also loved the charities and SCIENCE! There were floats devoted to science. People wearing lab coats are always a winner with me, especially when they are associated with the future. There was subtext that the future wasn’t based on fantasy and make-believe. You do dream things, but you work to making them happen. Damn you for being inspirational 🙂

I loved the international floats, peace in the future. I love the positive messages coming from southern California because all year all I see on the news are all the homicides and other calamities from there. I forget there are good people in the world. One of my resolutions is to drastically cut down my news at least half. Stick to Daily Show, just half hour of local news in case something happens nearby. I already stopped following most of the political things that set me off from my face book and it helps. I had to keep up on things before the election. Unemployment makes you a well-informed activist.

There were some groans, but they behaved for the most part. And this is big corporate commercials and huge logos all over everything. It was clear what sponsors made the parade possible and one company known for it’s synergy was present frequently.

I was sad that we missed the beginning and then they played it AGAIN! They do this every year? I’m so used to spending my new year’s day going back to places to get the shit that I lost from my keys, to my coat, camera- the evidence!- cell phone, to my credit card I left for the bar tab. At sometime or another I’ve lost everything once, it gets bad when they add up and you need stuff to be to work at 4:00PM.

Even though I see/ read about the barbed wire to prevent graffiti, pollution, vandalism and other mayhem, I would like to go back to L.A. for at least a week. It used to be my vacation spot in the early 90’s before I discovered Vegas. One trip was the only vacation I took FROM Vegas. I want to talk to people about where they live, there are so many burghs or districts or whatever they are.

Ah, dreams of money and vacation time.

The surprise was, the whole thing made me hopeful. I, like the United States, am tired of waging war on everything that blocks me. I picked my battles, I mostly attack “big” entities or people who make the rules/ laws that screw over my group(s). I want to spend more of this year enjoying the sides I’m on, remind myself and others why “our way” is better or has statistically improved things. Educate without drafting. If I’d ever go to Africa, I’d bring food, not bibles.

Next time I want to continue resolutions which could probably mash-up with 2012 highlights. Wow, there were some?! Yes! Maybe I’ll update my “about me,” a little grim, huh?

2013/01/02 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Guns don’t kill people…


… people stockpiling guns and ammo kill people.

I have plenty to say about this topic and I don’t even have kids.

People that go into a gun store should go thru more shit to complete a transaction than people do at an airport.

That massacre happened in a school “because god wasn’t there?” 1) Isn’t god supposed to be everywhere? 2) you can still wear your crosses and talk about your religion at school. 3) I agree, where was god when all those kids were getting molested in church? Oh, god’s way. god works in “mysterious ways.” What a bunch of cop out enabler bullshit.

The second amendment was drafted when muskets were the hot item. Let everyone own a musket, when it takes 15 minutes to load one of those bitches, maybe you’ll think more about each shot your taking.

Semi and automatic guns, anything with a speed clip was NOT designed for hunting game, they’re for hunting people. You can stockpile ammo online and have that shit mailed to you, but you can’t have alcohol shipped to your house?

If you own more than 2 guns or any semi autos, government needs to have a big fucking file on you. You need to be on the alert list when you fly. You neighbors need to know about it, just like you have to register rapists in your neighborhood. Put a fucking sign on your lawn.

If you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have them. YYYYY EEEEE SSSSS, THAT is the FUCKING POINT. It would let you know the biggest reason why a cop would draw their weapons.

Of course, when I look at the articles on my news feeds about gun laws and laws that protect children, certain familiar states have a higher correlation of guns, massacres and nra members. And of course, after the election I learned that these are states I will never even visit, let alone live in. And I have been shopping, state by state, down to county where I want to eventually move.

I already paid off my credit card. 2013 is the year I’m going to move and I have to make sure I don’t compromise and move on my terms, better paying job, no annoying roommates or neighbors and a public transportation artery so I don’t have to deal with owning a money pit on wheels. This is a miracle I have to maintain. It’s the biggest shit that has ruled my life for the past decade.

We need legislation and congress and house are just a bunch of fucking do nothings that also need to be paid minimum wage and social security for retirement. And wait at redicare for over 4 hours when you’re bleeding to death.

No one wants to talk about it, just light candles, say prayers “you’re in my thoughts. Oh, don’t talk about it, whatever you do. Oh, it’s never the right time. It fuckin’ pisses me off. I want to sign petitions, let me know where I can bring my sign rally. Let me sign something and vote on restriction legislation. DO something besides all that do nothing until the next massacre shit.

2012/12/16 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

breaking out of Groundhog Day is finding a way not to try

This is going to be something of a week, historical. Which 2 seasons of MASH would describe it best?

Also, it’s been an interesting week of dvd’s from the library. Some of the possibly symbolic movies availible were Synecdoche new york, Brazil and Groundhog’s day. There are all these “dark” remakes: batman, battlestar galactica, but they have happier endings. Bleak movies and tragedies, now those are movies with balls. I’m pretty sure dystopic movies are to men what chick flick rom coms are to women. Instead of crying, those movies make us want to drink or go out in anger and shoot things (for me, in a video game). Whack a mole gets out more anger, but all the kids look at you with apprehension. I also got mean girls, I also saw before. I needed a hot actresses movie, but smart. Odd.

Cover of "Synecdoche New York"

Cover of Synecdoche New York

I got so many of my “1 timer” errands done, I scramble for something exciting or “juicy” this week. Most of what I have to do are 8-9 projects that I’ve been picking away at. For mon- Thursday, I prioritized in descending order which ones could make me money, maybe not necessarily the most, but the most immediate.

For the weekend, I overlapped a couple per day and these are things that require me to go back and sort thru things, like paper filing that I pick and pare away at. Someday I’m going to blow out a very large paper shredder with the 4 boxes of paper and growing.

This week is the last opportunity I have to go to Santa Cruz beach boardwalk before they go to weekend operation for the fall. I went to the fair and was happy, fighting off a couple of bouts of sadness. I have to evaluate in my head how much I need to do one more summer-y thing. I’ve been so smart with money, I now see a day in Santa Cruz as sacrificing a weekly credit card payment. I haven’t been able to make much progress since spring as it is. It bothers me.

Late evening at the Boardwalk

Late evening at the Boardwalk (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I’ve had jobs, I piss away the money as I get it. I criticize people for being stupid in doing that and here I am wanting to do that with no income. The most important goal I can make a dent on is paying off that one credit card. I seem to think I need to treat myself to something new, to maybe inspire me, or just let me have fun.

I allotted myself a “fun” budget in the form of netflix, all the classic tv series and documentaries in my mailbox 6 days a week. When I’m lucky, I get a classic on Saturday I have an extra day to watch. Then I have the free dvds I check out from the library, for all my random movie curiosities. Also, the books there that promise to solve all my problems. I have read more books that I ever did in school and have no kind of diploma or certificate for my accomplishments, just a PhD in “street smarts.”

You know the classic angel and devil on your shoulder arguing about what you should do? I recently became obsessed with deciding what 2 characters sit on my shoulders since I’m atheist. I’ve decided that whatever embodies “bad” is snaky, sarcastic, selfish, narcissist. So basically a socialite with a reality show with a life stuck in tabloids.

And then whatever I choose to represent good isn’t morning talk show/ morning radio zoo cheery, but they’re optimistic. They see opportunities. They’re also punk rock, fuck the establishment, do your own thing, create art that hasn’t been done before. Don’t fake happiness, but actually feel it. I scramble every week to find the magic that I know people saw in me when I was in college or one of the many jobs I made fun for other people while thinking it was a lead filled backpack for me.

I don’t know what to call it, but I’m afraid to have fun unless I’m being productive and/ or learning something. I can readily see how being unemployed is advantageous when I look down at someone else’s cubicle, but it’s tough to maintain when I don’t get that little piece of paper every other Friday that would get me more than a kid’s happy meal when I go out.

I think back to all the interviews that got me the job. I presented my case like I do now, and follow a bunch of “this but not that“s. I’m doing something I can’t even see on videotaping myself that doesn’t get the same result. So it goes back to those 3 phone numbers. What if more than 1 is fucking me over. I really just want to know which or what, so I can deal with it instead of trying to punch a ghost blindfolded.

This is going to be something of a week, historical. 2 years ago on the 31st, it’s the day I threw the rest of my things in a moving truck and left my girlfriend and city I love to move back here to shitstain, California, with my only support, companion and friend being my pretty girl cat.

2012/08/27 Posted by | random trains of thought- choo choo | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

A grab bag of catchup

Writers blog, blank screen date 66448.75

I have to keep writing. I get lazy and doubtful and that’s the wost thing I can do when it comes to my own blog. There are tons of things I can go out and do, buy, join or follow that can be taken away from me.

There is something here that I have to stay devoted to maintaining. This is the one thing that I have that is mostly me. There’s a percentage of wordpress, firefox and netzero having to stay in business to keep this going, but I have my uploaded drafts on my computer.

The legacy you leave is something I think has been put aside for instant updating. It’s why it bothers me that photo albums have turned into social media albums. I put 10 years into myspace for better or worse. I cut back drastically on face book for that reason, as well as the big brother tactics of every word typed used as marketing statistics.

It’s why I prefer to burn my audio cds (to back up/ mix I bought), even though they made vinyl a thing of the past. Mini compact discs are where I draw the line on technology. Paying to download a stream of mp3 doesn’t have the same satisfaction of buying a cd to hold in my hands, look at the cover art of or read the liner notes, even when the info is online somewhere. See the movie I Need That Record or even High Fidelity to get why the music store employee is the unsung hero of small American business retail.

Same for theater movies. There are movies I see in the theaters, a rep theater. Even though it may be a matinee, there are some I deem worthy of seeing in a theater when I hear incredible things about, like the Artist or Tree of Life. When top mainstream reviewers (you’ve heard of) say things like “I haven’t seen anything like this is years” it’s worthy for me to shell out $15 to see it on the bog screen. And I mean in a vintage theater, not the strip mall with the movie screen as big as a couple of garage doors.

I am writing chapters for a book, about of course my favorite topic. It’s taken on many formats, but the heart or the meat of the chapters remain the same. I actually just started the ball rolling writing about the middle chapters. The first couple needs to set things up and the last couple have to resolve a certain percentage of things, I believe. I fuckin HATE those movies that wrap every single god damn thing up. It’s just bullshit that every character cums a little in that last 10 minutes of the movie. Whenever you gamble or play some sort of game, there is only 1 winner. The rest statistically have to lose their share to compose the pot won. And there are different degrees of losing, too, not just won/ lost the big game. Other unexpected side perks may happen, at least. And losers have to react accordingly, some in anger, some in frustration, others expected it. Some swear “we’ll get ’em next time!”

My mind races so fast, I mentally compose a dozen blog entries in an afternoon. Chances are I’ll write a list of topic key words if I’m inclined to. Usually I’ll get down to writing about 10 of those in a blog, if I can lump them into a theme of some sort. Sometimes I go red-eye of thought when I think there are a lot of topics that aren‘t related I have to get some thoughts out about.

Part of why is tvtropes.org. Part of learning how to write has more to it than grammar and syntax. Although those are necessary starting points. It’s sad to see book reviews on amazon when the book doesn’t appear to have a copy editor. There are plot flows and setups. I time travel a LOT in my mind which is why I need to write my lists down. If I start thinking in circles, the notes help me get my bearings. I admittedly need to organize them more, so I limited them to a few media.

Tvtropes answers a lot of questions psychology books haven’t answered for me. We have problems that gridlock us, but if they were in a film, they’re ridiculously easy to resolve, right? It’s also why I write. When I write I’ve gone thru the trials and I have a current subset of “answers,” or so it may seem until I actually see them in writing. You can read a lot about training a cat, but it won’t mean a thing until you’re actually trying to get it to do something.

I read a lot about setups to clichés, but then how to turn them on their asses, as a few movies/ shows do, like Community. #sixseasonsandamovie. What differentiates a protagonist, an antagonist, versus an asshole mentor. Or a side kick? Every show/ film has the equally balanced group of friends, racially, age-wise, job status, social status, etc. so they eventually deal with all of the conflicts that could potentially happen. Fauxality shows are based on getting a group of odd people and throwing them into areas where regular people are. And agitate.

I have so many notes to go thru, I need to hone my writing into some of the things I like that I’ve been reading and audio auto biography cds I’ve listened to from the library.

Looking for a job is a chore. Writing is my only real job, where I‘m the boss. And I have to put time into it for you, my readers.

2012/06/12 Posted by | random trains of thought- choo choo | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment