Confidence racket

I haven’t been on because of the elusive confidence with the the lack of results from the effort I put in on the application trail.

October is supposed to be my month, and a couple of weeks of it have already blown by faster than I want or understand.

Last week, I picked up a bunch of books from the library I had on order from other locations. I should have paced them out, as much as I read, I may not be able to get thru the “best of” what I’ve wanted to read. I have my stable of the type of books I get, but most importantly are defense of shit and what I need to do to be on the offense, which can mean achievements, positivity but mostly production.

One of the books is great, because it’s from a couple of guys in southern California that have done well for themselves. They’re aware of the “game” they’re playing. They’re able to work the Hollywood factory crushes souls. They seem to work without them or have them hidden somewhere and yet there is evidence they actually have them. I have read a lot of books and this is what I’m reading from between the lines. I have yet to see a book actually address it. A lot of memes and blanket positives get thrown that are too vague for me to have any meaning.

I pay a lot of attention to how my days and weeks are structured. One of the things I have going for me is planning my own schedule. I get to be my own boss which is alright because I’ve always gotten more done at every job when I’m just left alone to do it.

The group anchor and carrying others’ weight has always slowed me down or pissed me off. My mind seems to accumulate that weight, no matter how I try to blow it off. They’re always there the next day picking up where they left off. And no I don’t want to be the enabler because I’m sweating when we’re supposedly getting paid the same.

And busting my ass never got me the promotion, just more “grunt work.” Being “popular” was what got me the few promotions I’ve ever had. And being the most reliable. In a pinch, the slackers retreat and the figure head put me in Command.

In October, I rearranged my netflix cue to have all scary movies. Honestly, in the 80’s I stayed away from horror movies because they really scared the shit out of me. This was before Buffy and CSIs and Scream. Now I can look at slasher movies like a procedural and analyze their weaknesses and M.O. while the protags are too scared to think. I’ve seen Tremors and I’m nearing the end of Nightmare now. I’m on 4, it’s hilarious in it’s 80’s-ness and still a good movie. It’s stands the test of time on a period piece level that movies try to recreate now with first gen valley girls (now they’re “reality socialites”) and sat morning tv references.

I’ve come to a cool conclusion that unemployment is a slasher movie. You have people victims of it in the same way. You have all kinds of relatives and friends blowing off your bloody knife scars. Official agencies are useless. I made a list a page+ long of cool parallels.

It actually gave me new confidence. I’ve seen the Ghostbusters game clips on youtube, same thing. Weather it’s zombies, ghosts, slashers or graboids, the enemy has a pattern of attack. The problem with a lot of protagonists is they suffer alone and what they learned is eliminated with them. Or they’re saved and don’t relay the weaknesses to others that suffer later.

There are millions of us unemployed and we’re not united. We suffer alone, no one can understand, really. Doing more and more with less and less isn’t a self fulfilling prophecy bullshit. It’s a serious problem that wears down our psyches. And then we have to get up the next morning and go out there hungrier to convince a bored manager that you’re more energetic and more eager to take their shit paying, thankless job than the dozens of others that came in before.

As sure as you defeat it, it will come back, if not after you after someone you know.

Confidence doesn’t mean you have to release all the prisoners (although that would immortalize you). Most of the time is just going out that front door tomorrow, into some other business to check out, no matter where it will lead.

I have gotten sad in the past thinking no one reads these things I write and I actually let it intimidate me to stop writing. And that’s a mistake. I now look at it as this is my canvas. I’m writing in my notebook that’s just chained to some public place. Look at it if you want to. Shit on it or ignore it if you want to. I should be happy when 1 person reads it. And that’s you.

I have to continue to produce, I can’t stand my plans not happening above all else.

Dewey Readmore Books, Iowa’s library cat

 

I owned the book Dewey for a few years now & “never got around to read it.” A few weeks ago at the library, I ran into an interesting situation, I saw it there in the audio CD section. Was it cheating to check it out when I owned the book? I checked it out, thinking I could listen to it when I putz around the house,  just like when I listen to pod casts.

 

For some reason, this was a good time to rea- hear the book, when I’m trying to recover from the loss of my cat. I also think had I read the book earlier, before my Bunn Bunn had problems, I may have even had insight on what to do.

 

Dewey Readmore Books (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I spent a lot of time online trying to diagnose her symptoms, translating her vet blood work results with online searches of parameters. I think searching any medicine we’re prescribed will turn us all into hypochondriacs. To this day, I get upset thinking that the cat meds worsened her conditions, possibly causing her seizures. I get angry, frustrated and I still feel helpless. I will always think I could have dome something more, but I then always have to think that I did more than anyone that ever knew her would have.

 

There are similar stories I heard about Dewey than I had with my Bunn, but after I was really happy that I had plenty of my own that were different, unique to me. There are plenty of cat books at the library and on Amazon that I’ll be buying in the months ahead, no doubt with similar stories.

 

It’s interesting how people’s stories about their pets are far different than anything Hollywood would lead you to believe. Cats apparently are only there to hiss and warn you not to go into an area. Dogs basically rescue people or are attack a guy if he dates in any rom com. But most pets, you just look at, share cuddles, feed and clean their poop. They sit with you when you get away from the world. They’re also the things we leave behind when we go on vacation, without a lot of thought.

 

There have been some writing books that have helped me out with some issues, for some reason developing schizophrenia is good for character developing arguments. Dewey gave me a couple of insights on writing about my cat. Listening an audio book also gave me insights. Descriptions  and the feelings they give have a lot to do with the voice of the reader. It’s like when you find out a script was written for an actor in mind. It’s tough, but rarely, I can pick out when a character was supposed to be an Eddie Murphy type. He was supposed to be in a couple of star treks and Ghostbusters. It’s easy to tell that Slimer was written for (later a tribute to) Belushi.

 

Slimer (Photo credit: Tim.Deering)

 

Part of why I want to be an author is that I want something to last beyond facebook or twitter statuses. To be a writer, I have to consider eventually getting an e-reader, since I’ll have to research publishing for that media. It also scares me. I bought a digital camera before they were in every phone and after 2 generations, the family trusted Kodak brand took a dive. I alone may not have prevented it, but I contributed to it. I used to think it was cute when sci fi movies featured of of those old “book” things, but it’s really happening like so much other dystopic predictions.

 

Vicki Myron did it. She was able to tell millions how much her cat meant to her and what an impact Dewey had on a community that I wasn’t able to relate to before, being a city man. I knew farmers were getting ousted by industry, I may have known the depths. But it was another thing to have it described in detail over a decade while I was bar hopping and playing in my disposable lifestyle.

 

Part of why I want to write is to tribute my cat and those important to me, those that are no longer around but helped me thru so many things. I have been the life of the party in a few circles. I feel so far from that person now, but I’m able to leap back into it, the eye of the festival when I write about what I should have learned from those times.

 

I know, I need to write more. But I also don’t want to wear out my welcome by writing downer blogs also. It’s tougher to write with a 3 beer attitude when you can’t afford it. I do know that’s what people want to read, my crazy Vegas adventures. And I have to sit on a lot of things until a press someday shoots out a book I can hold in my hands and dedicate to the few of you for being there the whole time, and share the memories of my cat Bunn Bunn you don‘t know yet.