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breaking out of Groundhog Day is finding a way not to try

This is going to be something of a week, historical. Which 2 seasons of MASH would describe it best?

Also, it’s been an interesting week of dvd’s from the library. Some of the possibly symbolic movies availible were Synecdoche new york, Brazil and Groundhog’s day. There are all these “dark” remakes: batman, battlestar galactica, but they have happier endings. Bleak movies and tragedies, now those are movies with balls. I’m pretty sure dystopic movies are to men what chick flick rom coms are to women. Instead of crying, those movies make us want to drink or go out in anger and shoot things (for me, in a video game). Whack a mole gets out more anger, but all the kids look at you with apprehension. I also got mean girls, I also saw before. I needed a hot actresses movie, but smart. Odd.

Cover of "Synecdoche New York"

Cover of Synecdoche New York

I got so many of my “1 timer” errands done, I scramble for something exciting or “juicy” this week. Most of what I have to do are 8-9 projects that I’ve been picking away at. For mon- Thursday, I prioritized in descending order which ones could make me money, maybe not necessarily the most, but the most immediate.

For the weekend, I overlapped a couple per day and these are things that require me to go back and sort thru things, like paper filing that I pick and pare away at. Someday I’m going to blow out a very large paper shredder with the 4 boxes of paper and growing.

This week is the last opportunity I have to go to Santa Cruz beach boardwalk before they go to weekend operation for the fall. I went to the fair and was happy, fighting off a couple of bouts of sadness. I have to evaluate in my head how much I need to do one more summer-y thing. I’ve been so smart with money, I now see a day in Santa Cruz as sacrificing a weekly credit card payment. I haven’t been able to make much progress since spring as it is. It bothers me.

Late evening at the Boardwalk

Late evening at the Boardwalk (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I’ve had jobs, I piss away the money as I get it. I criticize people for being stupid in doing that and here I am wanting to do that with no income. The most important goal I can make a dent on is paying off that one credit card. I seem to think I need to treat myself to something new, to maybe inspire me, or just let me have fun.

I allotted myself a “fun” budget in the form of netflix, all the classic tv series and documentaries in my mailbox 6 days a week. When I’m lucky, I get a classic on Saturday I have an extra day to watch. Then I have the free dvds I check out from the library, for all my random movie curiosities. Also, the books there that promise to solve all my problems. I have read more books that I ever did in school and have no kind of diploma or certificate for my accomplishments, just a PhD in “street smarts.”

You know the classic angel and devil on your shoulder arguing about what you should do? I recently became obsessed with deciding what 2 characters sit on my shoulders since I’m atheist. I’ve decided that whatever embodies “bad” is snaky, sarcastic, selfish, narcissist. So basically a socialite with a reality show with a life stuck in tabloids.

And then whatever I choose to represent good isn’t morning talk show/ morning radio zoo cheery, but they’re optimistic. They see opportunities. They’re also punk rock, fuck the establishment, do your own thing, create art that hasn’t been done before. Don’t fake happiness, but actually feel it. I scramble every week to find the magic that I know people saw in me when I was in college or one of the many jobs I made fun for other people while thinking it was a lead filled backpack for me.

I don’t know what to call it, but I’m afraid to have fun unless I’m being productive and/ or learning something. I can readily see how being unemployed is advantageous when I look down at someone else’s cubicle, but it’s tough to maintain when I don’t get that little piece of paper every other Friday that would get me more than a kid’s happy meal when I go out.

I think back to all the interviews that got me the job. I presented my case like I do now, and follow a bunch of “this but not that“s. I’m doing something I can’t even see on videotaping myself that doesn’t get the same result. So it goes back to those 3 phone numbers. What if more than 1 is fucking me over. I really just want to know which or what, so I can deal with it instead of trying to punch a ghost blindfolded.

This is going to be something of a week, historical. 2 years ago on the 31st, it’s the day I threw the rest of my things in a moving truck and left my girlfriend and city I love to move back here to shitstain, California, with my only support, companion and friend being my pretty girl cat.

2012/08/27 Posted by | random trains of thought- choo choo | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

About the author, 20120812.23:

I’ve been unemployed for a couple of years, now.

The list of everything I’ve lost in the past couple of years is a horrific joke about my life. Primarily a paycheck, but I also lost “friends” because I basically can’t afford to hang out with them. I lost most of my support groups in just about every category online and off. People you thought were friends want to dodge you when you’re down. If I ever get back on my feet, I’m sure they’ll poke their head in to say “hey, pal, where have you been?” Those people aren’t friends.

There have been many last straws, but the latest is losing my cat of 17 years. Of all the jobs, places I’ve lived, women, friends, vehicles, banks, cell phones that came and went, my cat was there to come home to and make everything better just by wanting me to pet her and feed her. It’s the biggest loss I think I’ve ever had at a time when I’m already down about not being able to get out of unemployment. She was the last, biggest thing I had in my life that I had pride in, that I could give all my love to unconditionally after people in my life turned into heartless, mindless pop consumer zombies.

I struggle to get out of the condo every day. I have to get out there to look for work, to look for a group to belong to, to look for some place that could make me happy where I’m not (just) a paying customer.

In my unemployment I have created 3 lists: 1) of responsible projects and basically things I am doing now when I had too busy from work and a social life as an excuse not to do, 2) things I need to replace and spending priorities with an income. Things that don’t involve more monthly payments. also, things I need to “buy to make money.” 3) longer term goals “after I pay off my credit card.”

The world seems very empty to me. I’ve explored the world and done incredible things that seem like a distant memory I can’t get back to. I don’t have a spouse, pets or family to share my adventures and stories with. I’m not used to doing anything for myself, even the past couple of years involved getting me and my cat out of this god forsaken condo.

I have to write about my accomplishments here and things that do make me happy. I try to do the right things and it’s very difficult to see others skate by wasting so much, doing so many stupid things. I keep doing the honorable, politically and ecologically correct things as best I can. I’m tired of living in frustration. I want the level happiness I once had, even though I can’t get anything back during those Best Times of my life.

2012/08/12 Posted by | Single malts | Leave a comment

About the Author, from August 2011

[I’m going to write a new “About the author, since the goals in this one aren’t feasible anymore.. -me, in the present]

My mission statement involves hooking you up with freshly slaughtered blog at the beginning of each (business) week. I get into too many blogs that stop updating.

I want to look back on this time of my life as a musical montage of me reading, writing and doing everything I put aside for “later, when I have time.”

I’m an unemployed pedestrian, looking for not just a job, but one that won’t suck my soul or my pride. Everyone thinks George Costanza is funny until they wake up one day and realize they’re in his situation. I currently am back in the bay area, where I spent most of my 20’s trying to move from.

I have applied for more jobs than I ever have in my life, over 400. No matter what you recommend, yes I tried that. I have learned ads are irrelevant minutes after they’re posted. I learned places I worked at are no longer there for the most part or are to far for me to reliably get to daily, on time. I already did the hour and a half one way by public transportation thing, it didn’t work. I have applied for many jobs, “beneath me,” degrading jobs and jobs I am overqualified for and under qualified. Job fairs are out of touch with the actual people hiring within the companies present and they’re largely trade school promotions. Craigslist is a great way to discover every way ads can scam you, I spent more time researching valid links than applying.

While I’m trying to figure out how to deal with a sabotaged job reference, I also look for independent work. I would love to write professionally, in a weekly, in an e-book and eventually a book in print. I researched and read about all aspects of it. I signed up for Nanowrimo.com.

Also, I can’t afford a correspondence training school I want, for a job I don’t have transportation to get to. But, it’s in high demand, easy over time and starts at over $20/hr. It’s income to a man the way stripping is for women. People will always have car problems.

My dream is to put both of my feet back on Fremont Street in Las Vegas, having just parked my own vehicle. I hope my cat will be healthy and waiting for me in our new place.

2012/08/12 Posted by | Single malts | Leave a comment