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Summer lovin, but I don’t mean the rapey song

Open season blog, summerdate 66409.58

This summer is going to be a little different from last. I’m already seeing things I can’t participate in for a second year because, yes I still don’t have “extra” money. Last year I made an unspoken promise that things wouldn‘t be like this now. Financially, I’m slightly better but not enough to dump a couple of weeks worth of grocery money in a day.

Basically, I’m sick of being nice to unresponsive store and restaurant managers and getting nothing in return. It’s maddening and yet something society, my mother and my past voice plays in an endless loop that I have to do, right up there with the definition of insanity (doing something over and over again expecting a different result).

May hit me with a lot of season/ series tv show enders. I didn’t see many, erratic network tv reception is a curse but largely a blessing. I read about a lot of them. It made me think of my favorite season cliffhangers and the top series enders, ones that got their proper ending and far more that got cancelled or even a bum rush ending. If you thought of many in this paragraph, please note them as I try to figure out how to change my blog so anyone can note (without a login).

The straw that broke my back was the last weekly, the summer events guide. This summer like last promises a lot of free concerts, community events, fairs, conventions that have already been steady since winter weather petered out. I did go to a lot of free things last summer and then I stopped going, which was a mistake. I guilt-ed myself when I saw everyone spend a lot at each or bring all their “upper status” things to wave in everyone’s face. I mistakenly allowed materialism from the Joneses to gain the upper hand.

When I was in Vegas and had “baller money” I never waved it in someone else’s face when I could do something others couldn’t. I still did cheap things, I just got more mileage out it.

I’ve been studying early 20-somethings for the past couple of years. There’s an energy they have. There are beliefs they have, society is geared towards it. You learn and question everything in high school. If you can go to college, even a community one, you choose what you want to study, where you want to go in life. I admittedly am learning 2 decades too late that “going after my dreams” in film/ video entertainment was the wrong choice. The way the world operates is job security in knowing the legalities, finances and advertising savvy to run a business. I had my fun in my 20s and even 30s. and even all my savings & cashed out 401Ks didn’t last 2 years of looking for work.

Something weird happens in your 20’s, you’re groomed to go off into a career and then aside from a week off every year, who gives a shit, life doesn’t change until you turn 65 and theoretically retire. For awhile, it used to be a retirement having to work as a greeter at Helmart and even that is decimating before us first wave of post baby boomers will get to that age since that generation will rape social security and every other retirement option dry since they already “borrowed” from those budgets.

Early 20’s is “let’s go on trips and see what’s out there before we become stuck in careers and kids for the rest of our lives.” I try to look at my unemployment as a chance to get this energy back. I have a “half time” break where I can think about what to do with the rest of my life with a fresher start that early 20 year olds never comprehend. For a lot of them, it’s balls out, kids that have it tougher live like they don’t even expect to make it past 30, which is also why car insurance is jacked up for that age and why most pregnancies and STDs happen in those “fuck the condom” years.

I literally lived where people “bet it all,” for a decade. The odds catch up, the house always wins in the long run. Living there I knew this and instead of investing in the companies (which may have actually been a good call in retrospect), I put my money on the felt and the penny slots for the free beer like everyone else that lives there. Live for today, fuck around with your friends.

This summer I need to break the monotony. And if I volunteer for some of the community events, it’s another chance for me to “network,” although I have no intention of doing so. I want to have a modicum of fun while I’m doing something where I’m also learning and can be productive. If you believe in movie/ tv logic, in the zen I’d eventually get a job offer. I just know I need to break out of my own mental poverty walls on a regular basis. I spent another winter cooped up in this mofuggin condo trying to sell shit on amazon to stay afloat.

2012/05/29 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , | Leave a comment

Summer hiatus of 2012?

Explorer’s blog, itinerary date 66398.66

Remember last time when I said I’d write about organization? I lied.

Screw that, it seems to be a common sense on how to clean an area out or organize time. Actually, the topic I’m hard shifting to is related to this, so I guess it turns out you’ll get the practical flowchart example.

What got the ball rolling were all the season/ series enders on tv in May. Honestly, I read about most, saw a couple and 1 I don’t even understand why, other than I got reception on my tv for it (Desperate yentas). No matter how cliché those can get, it still made me think of the big changes I could do this summer aside from the same old 1 that’s worn my brain and spirit down to a raw little jagged blister that used to be where I kept hope and faith.

I got the weekly and it has a guide for things to do this summer. It actually made me happy for a bit, with the promise of free/ cheap things to do. I’ve often been pissed off where I live. It’s the 3rd largest city in California (population wise), but culturally, it drags down to the high 20s.

I’m so tired of fighting the fight for a paycheck, I need to do something that’s just fun. I always guilt myself for every time I catch myself sitting around doing nothing. I at least have to read something (educational), watch tv or you tube that I can learn business from, develop searching skills, etc.

Wherever I go apply in the weekday, I see the elderly out and at times on the way home. There’s also that at risk time for kids between 3-6 PM where they’re out in hoards, bored with no money. I observe (or remember) what these 2 groups do with their time. I’m in my early 40’s, I can’t sit out in front of the 7-11. I have to look busy, people between teens and seniors get targeted the most for loitering. If we’re not buying anything, we’re a trespassing risk more noticeable than blending into a casino with a few hundred people who are really also not doing much all dressed up. We’re the fuckups that don’t have an excuse to be wandering around on a weekday.

So, like most planning, it’s good to have all the information in front of you: the guide, the stack of pamphlets, articles, etc. And then you have your blank piece of paper or whatever media you brainstorm on. Some people have a sketchbook, I have my blank notebooks/ journals, etc. I don’t think it’s a good idea to put notes on an iphone, but people peck at those a word at a time somehow.

There are tons of things I/ we want to do, but in brainstorming you list it all out. But I streamline it a little. I have to mentally hack out the things that are too far away (by public transportation more than an hour away). I have to take into consideration that things have to basically be free, but you can plan what your budget’s going to be like.

For those of you that think Coachella is worth the price of a ticket, gas, parking possibly hotel room, you schedule out the bands you want to see the most and the logistics of getting to the stages where there are drunk, high people all over the place including you. You breakdown what is actually practical, like picking 6 major moves in the day.

What I then do is prioritize. Without money, I’m basically want to do 3 things this summer, 1 per month. I’m considering volunteering for the city/ county. There are a lot of community events where they have a tent and someone handing out fliers/ pamphlets. I know someone involved I met, so I may hit her up soon. There’s free outdoor movies where I saw Viva Las Vegas last summer, Blues Brothers, etc. they pick fun movies and you bring your chairs and snacks out, you can buy beer, etc. They have security.

Concerts in the park suffered and it turns out last summer I went to the last shows. Security issues with rowdy people and transients wandering in hearing the music “encroaching on their turf.” so this summer they’re announcing concerts at small venues around town, each in their own controlled environment.

I know it pales compared to all the things to do in Vegas. That’s my other summer plan. I thought about taking a summer hiatus off twitter, most likely limit my time to a short session at night. But I failed at that before. I need to keep up on my weekly promise to blog here even though I mistake of seeing the vast void of the visit count.

My plan is to try to enjoy my life here and how. I have done this “settling” in the past and it has kept me here longer. But I’ve been here for 2 years without a paycheck. I’m stuck here. Vegas is fading more than I want it to as an extended vacation. When I was writing about letting things go, I may have to let Vegas go in my mind, stop mentioning it. Back burner it until I have 1) my credit card paid off (from “that job”) and money in savings before I can get back to thinking about it again, so my plans don’t seem so beyond my reach.

2012/05/25 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Let it go

Writer’s blog, starting date 66371.12,
finished and uploaded 66379.58
(wow, doesn’t seem so bad on a metric calendar)

Sorry, took a little break here to deal with some things. It affected my ability to write in a “good mood.”

It’s tough to know what to let go and what to hang onto. It’s a very large neutral zone between driven goal achievers and obsessive creeper. It’s like rom-coms and love songs. They’re romantic if the couple want each other and if not, it’s bring out the personal defense weapons scary. Some romantic songs are really stalkerish and mentally manipulative when you see just the lyrics.

The problem is that I’ve hoarded things most of my life, I want to save memories of the good times. Or I take all the free usable shit I think I can resell later. Or I buy shit at closing sales and swap meets when it’s in excellent condition at a 10th of what value I’ve seen it go for elsewhere. There are phases I’ve gone thru when I bought a lot of shit, really and now I’m trying 4-5 major ways to sell things w/ my limitations to get the most I can for these things. And I don’t think I have high standards, I want to break even, ideally, or at least get half down to 40%, thinking that’s the value I “rented” at that I’d accept.

I’ve seen some hoarder segments on you tube since I don’t have cable. I’d probably watch both hoarding shows if I had cable. My home never got that bad, piling on everything til it looks like Joe Franklin’s office. I had everything in boxes, mostly from that couple of years where I moved a whopping 3 times. I had things scattered in different places around Vegas. And a couple of years ago when I finally got everything back that I was going to, I had a lot of duplicate things I bought when I couldn’t find what box something was in. I was a box hoarder, I don’t know what term they have for it.

Looking back, I realized everyone in my family has a HUGE collection of some sort. They were raised by my Grandfather who was already poor to start with, working menial jobs around the bay area, let alone raising 4 kids by himself. Did they all become obsessed with possessions to make up for childhood? How did it wear off on me when I was raised to want for nothing.

But what I saw it as was well decorated isolation, if you think prison is too dramatic a word to use. I’m in this condo for a 3rd time in my life trying to get out permanently again. It’s a recurring problem in my life that I also have on the back burner til the money comes in. It’s why I hate that Marty is stuck fixing Hill Valley. It’s why I hate that George Bailey is still stuck in Bedford Falls- where Potter stole (kept) $8k Scott free. It’s why I was ultimately unsatisfied that Dante and Randal bought the Quick Stop. I’d rather be in a smaller fish swimming in a larger lake when it comes to the world.

There are goals I have to be “realistic” about. It’s tough to know what goals are the “best for me,” versus what is a pipe dream “beyond possible.” And I’m tough to shoot down bumper sticker affirmations. Anyone who says “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” obviously hasn’t been to a convalescent home. All the people who believe “you can do anything” can’t explain to me why they aren’t flying around like Superman or have a million dollars or a pussy (or cock) avalanche.

For now, I have to let go of “lofty” goals. I have dreams above what I’ve maintained before. I can remember when I was at the best paying job with the best perks, the best transportation, the best living situation and the best social situation. I have a list of jobs I apply for. I have started from the top of my priority list, but I have even let that go if a shitty job is closer to apply to. I’ve been out of work for a long time, I need to just get a paycheck even if the work does crush my soul. Even if it won’t look good on my “body of work.”

It’s hard for me to let go of the past, but I’m working on that, also. It’s one of the few things that gives me comfort because I can remember good things back there. Things are tough now and I constantly search for reliable financial stability in the future which hasn’t panned out for almost 2 years now. I allot time for the past, so I don’t get lost in it. I work on ways to “enjoy” the present that if anything, also has to be job searching research. I poke in the past for writing research, also.

It’s taken me almost 2 weeks to complete this blog. Part of which was delaying it more mentally debating if it was the topic or my ability to write that blocked me. There were probably several things I had to mentally let go just to finish this & get it done so I could go on to the next topic for blogging.

I suppose that should be about organization next, huh?

2012/05/18 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

21 Questionnaire Salute

These are the 21 questions a web page I like asks of it’s interviewees. Do you know what it is?

1) Please explain what just happened.
Typical morning, my cat woke me to be fed and now I’m listening to Adam Carolla pod cast as I type something.

2) What is your earliest memory?
I don’t know if it’s a memory so much as knowing I did it from pictures. I was in a chicken coop at my Grandfathers playing with the chickens. I do remember other things about that time.

3) If you weren’t a [  ] what other profession would you choose?
If I weren’t unemployed? The job I “choose” is serving. Even though people are cheaper than ever, walking with a days worth of tips is far better than waiting 2 weeks for a paycheck that get’s pissed away the hour it hits my account. Damn, I wish jobs would pay weekly, but that would invite you to call bullshit on your time card from 13 days ago and who wants to stop your whole check on that. Corporate bullshit.

4) Describe a typical work day.
After Carolla, I’ll troll the useless job ads on the net long enough for me to microwave & eat a cheese potato. I plan my day, decide if I’ll go out and what for. When I do, it’s to apply at jobs or go to the store for groceries or pet food. Since I make my own schedule, I actually tend to stay in sat/ sun to avoid the weekend consumers and go out on Tuesdays/ weds when they’re all locked in their jobs. I make a list of something to write about. I write up at least a page by the end of the day. Sprinkle a chore or 2, feed and pet my cat. that’s it for now, desperately looking for something to put on the calendar I can look forward to. Today I plan on going to Santa Cruz for Cinco de Mayo. Should only cost me $20 to get there and back, have a couple of beers and lunch. Take shitload of pics/vids and walk around.

5) Is there a time you wish you’d lied?
Sometimes I wish it was about the last time I moved, but I’d be in a world of debt and lost even more than I have somehow already. I’d bet I’d be on the street without my cat even.

6) What would you say to yourself if you could go back in time and have a conversation with yourself at age thirteen?
There’s a book based on this, right down to the age. I’d tell myself to get a tow truck license and buy a motor home. Go to Grand Canyon ASAP to avoid 90% of the consumer shit I’ve been involved in for over 2 wasteful decades of my life. Respect resources, avoid collecting anything. Everything you need can fit in a car, honestly.

7) If you could have only one album to get you through a breakup, what would it be?
I love that you use album, because that’s what music releases are. No goddamn “did you download the new mp3 w/ the app that will all crash leaving you with nothing less than 5 years from now?” That being said, I’d have to say either a rockabilly compilation or even a country/ western album. They make me feel happy and a little sad at the same time.

8) What are three websites—other than your email—that you check on a daily basis?
e-mail? I check that maybe once a month and spend most of that flagging spam that never gets blocked the following month. I check 1) youtube for my weekly favorites. There are some people putting out good stuff more than once a week which I think is impressive. 2) Adam carolla pod cast, most of his rants speak for me and keep me from ranting online so much as well. 3) some Vegas news source. Sometimes it’s Las Vegas Sun, sometimes it’s one of a dozen Vegas news pages I have bookmarked in it‘s own folder.  Sometimes it’s fox 5, which is a bit of a twist. I loathe fox, but the newscasters are my favorite. Plus they have The Rant.

9) From what or whom do you derive your greatest inspiration?
It comes down to me reading books. My mind is so fucked, it goes on auto criticize. It goes back and pulls some shitty times into the present, even when I don’t want them to. It’s all these elimination shows and cop procedural shows that basically teaches you everyone is bullshitting you, you need to judge and keep pursuing the lie. I try to stop watching all these shows. So it comes back to me, I ultimately snap myself out of my bad mood even though I look for an external inspiration. Books are the last great classic art and I spend more time reading what’s supposed to be non-fiction. There’s a surprising amount of fictional liberties people use in non-fiction, I.e. “compiling” character traits into one “representative person.”

Wow, I’m not even half way thru this and I’m at my page length. Hm. I’ll continue this later. Join me for the exciting conclusion, esp if you know the questions.

2012/05/05 Posted by | random trains of thought- choo choo | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What battles do you think are worth fighting for?

Protester’s blog, rally date 66336.2

Honestly, I never realized how important May Day is before this year. I mean protesting for your own rights.

There’s so much emphasis on how military protects us. But when it comes time for the worker to stand up for their rights, no one wants to rock the boat and endanger the next payment on their credit cards and bank they’re shackled to. I understand many people have kids, and I’m not going to bash them about it. They have them.

I was very proud to see my town finally rally to city hall yesterday. Not only that, they brought their kids. It wasn’t a big anarchy vs. police pandemonium like it was in Oakland and San Francisco. It was a demonstration for workers rights and our message came across better than it did than straining the police budget that we taxpayers pay for.

Faith was flatlining until May Day, having seen the lack of participation of Occupy Wall Street in our area. I thought everyone’s gadgets pacified them into a comfort zone. There’s more than linking shit on your page to take action in an American cause. And why the hell is your priority Darfur and Kony when you have banks making people homeless in your own town? Shitty wages for decreasing jobs.

We have choices every time we pull out our wallets. I’m also more aware than ever of how I spend every dollar. I think of where the money goes. It goes to the store, sure. I picked the smallest local store I can. Most of the groceries I buy are bulk, fresh foods that are as local as I can pick. I try to pick products with the least number of chemicals on the indgredients, especially when I don’t know what they are, even with csi viewing experience.

In the news, I see so many Vegas businesses are starting to stir up shit again. Money is moving again, things are being demo-ed, businesses bought and are being remodeled. I moved away from my hometown because I couldn’t stand seeing the things I loved and supported close and change into something I couldn‘t follow.

I reasoned moving to Vegas because I knew it was going to change, I could expect it. Think of all the stores and places you used to go to that aren’t there anymore. And then think of what replaced them, froyo stores? A coffee chain that’s a front for free wi-fi? I saw on Record Store Day that I’m not the only one that misses the environment of real employee interaction, as well as other customers.

There’s a list I maintain of small businesses, local events and groups I support. I want to rally behind what I see is good and noble and not the wasteful businesses I see. So many people are clicking their money for things that aren’t even tangible anymore or won’t be around for 5 years, obsolete after… now.

There’s a theme that keeps presenting itself to me, that everything I love will be gone someday. I love my cat more than anything, but she’s in retirement. If I got a job tomorrow, she may not be around by the time I’ve saved up to move out of here. She’s the last of my heart, the last thing I can not only love, but count on to be here for me whenever I need a hug.

Week after week, I struggle to find a job so I can get my shopping list to my Master Plans in motion. It’s easier for me from having no “extra” money for a couple of years now to evaluate my past spending habits and what I wasted my time, energy and money on. In Vegas, honestly there are even a lot of regrets that were worth the money.

I saw the power in me as going out and doing as much as I could around Las Vegas. It was all about night exploration. I spend every day now planning my path so when I get money, I can make it turn a dividend instead of spending it as I get it.

There are some lessons I work on every week. It’s a tough call when you see people driving to a cliff that won’t listen. I have no credibility because I’m out of work. Or I’m a know it all. If I say “fuck it” then I’m an enabler. Families are so great at this.

If I try to save them, in the past it has started a trend of repeated saves, like Superman having to save Jimmy and Lois every week. When someone is in the hospital, it does no good to show up later to state the obvious, “you shouldn’t have driven toward the cliff.” then you’re a shaming asshole.

All I can do is fight for doing my own thing and going my own way. Most days I feel like I stand on my own, anyway.

2012/05/02 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment