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Summertime, Back In The Day Is Now

Summer’s blog, fair date 201307:16

One of the biggest paradoxes in writing is that when everything is busy and exciting there’s “no time” to write. And when you have time, things are boring, slow or you’re depressed so it’s harder to write because you have to capture the excitement of when things were great and your consciousness was expanded, etc. And whatever good time is had, you take into overtime (over your weekly routine) as long as you can make it last, really.

Enlightenment is a frail, I believe living creature. It can escape you, it can move on or even retreat in the past waiting to see if you remember or learn from it. You can only have it alone to enjoy, briefly. It’s like when you come back from vacation. Everything is wonderful because you are glowing and people have to dial you down, reel you in, knock you back down. Society does this. Peers do this. Sit coms do this. They make sure you’re knocked back to your weekly status quo.

I got mine back.

I’ve read books on behaviors, habits and obligations. The past few years, I have gotten to do so much on my own without compromise, restrictions or obligations I often wonder how I could possibly go back to taking orders from a mentally detached shift manager and ass kissing, back stabbing coworkers and thankless customers that patronize a business looking for a cheap miracle.

But July has been a burst of 3-4 outings that have made me feel so much better about things. I did a Trek manoeuver trope and “reversing the polarity” of a problem I’ve horribly self-imposed for a few years. Confidence and assertiveness is also a complicated mesh to navigate thru, to not get snagged on arrogance or overbearing.

The whole point of this summer for me is to go back and do some of the things on my own that I couldn’t enjoy the first time, or things I haven’t done in over a decade. I did plenty of research on what is also booming business wise, so I don’t go to a “dead” events/ places. Some festivals and special events I want to be busy to enjoy.

I had a great experience going to a neighboring county fair. It captured the spirit of the fair I remembered from the past and still present with technology. It was so many things, local artists, diy-ers and farmers. So much food, so much community. And I met someone, or rather she met me. And that led to an over-nighter to next day-er. And that led to quite a second date, this time the home game. 3rd on deck…

It looks like I’m discovering and realizing my role with women I go out with, now. It’s like those post apocalyptic movies, you have the “Doc” of the faction the protag finds himself in, the sage older guy with the young cute hunter/ armed girlfriend/ partner on missions. Yeah… that’s a better place to be than these dopey fuddy duddy dads I’ve seen, silenced by their sassy house-led wife. Or worse, the anti-hero violent tendencies dad.

It’s theoretically tougher to do some things like movies and museums with all the kids out for summer, but strangely is still empty from what I remember summers to be. Kids are just home gaming and watching tv, I know it. I stay away from malls, I know they’re in there, too. It’s not even fun anymore to cruise the mall as a pick me up, passing the island of tired, waiting guys sitting with their woman’s shopping bags.

On the 4th, I went to my local annual baseball game, followed with the only fireworks show in town. I have no idea why movies can’t capture the baseball going experience. Movies have to emphasize their calculated wacky diverse team on their obligated wining season. Sit coms are locked to their bleacher set so they can get into it with the person sitting next to them. Yawnsville. There’s so much going on at a game, it’s really it’s own movie.

I have 3 plans for August for the big summer finale, including going to Santa Cruz!

 

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2013/07/07 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Springing Into Summer

Spring fever’s blog, trip planning date: 130528: 18

[I keep shifting tenses and if I go back to make them consistent, I’ll probably get lazy, save the file and forget to go back to it. So t/here you go.]

I got the summer edition of my local weekly and I poured thru it looking for things to do this summer. The past couple of years I was such a tight ass with money I didn’t do anything, except for pay off a credit card. That was quite worth it

This summer I’m deciding to “get back to the innocence.” There are so many things that have been ruined, made me jaded, by news fearing terrorism, documentaries exposing the evils of people, drug culture, manipulative women, chemicals in food, reality shows, class warfare, etc.

It’s also been a good writing exercise, looking at all the age groups for when we had the best times before the shitty thing(s) happened.

When you’re a kid at home, you get to play with toys (I‘m old, pre video games), look at tv to see cartoons. When I was a kid, afternoon tv wasn’t tabloid trash, it was reruns of black and white abbott Costello movies, our gang, etc.

Some kids were lucky enough that their parents took them to theme parks over summer or spring break or x-mas. Some parents just stuck their kids in summer camp, left to teenagers who totally should not be in charge of kids. Others were left to fend riding bikes around the neighborhood.

If you got a bike for x-mas, the whole neighborhood opened up. You get to cruise with your friends, hang out in front of the liquor store. You can pedal to the mountains and stream and parks. I remember it rained on us one time and we thought it was cool, like an epic battle against the wind and rains, like we saw pirates do on tv. Of course you go to the mall, arcades, the movies too at the cheap dollar theater. I think those are replaced with netflix and red box for the most part, sad.

In high school, if you passed you’re driving and got a car from your parents, then the whole town opened up! On the weekend we could drive to the beach! There was one main drag we went to cruise on the weekend.

There were a couple near me. On the east side there was the infamous King & Story, the low rider capitol of the south bay in the late 70’s. While people in new york were at discos, people in my hood were bouncing cars and getting into it with cops where I grew up.

A historical marker situated along El Camino Real.

A historical marker situated along El Camino Real. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The other was a section of the King’s Highway, El Camino Real, a section of California route 82. I remembered it went from Wolfe road in Cupertino, where everyone circled back and sometimes cops picked that as their spot to nab cruisers. The south-east end was debatable, it changed. But it seemed to be blocks ease of the Lawrence expressway intersection, exactly where is the debatable part. It was to deter the cop checkpoint situation.

Next thing you know, most people went to college and all the holidays became spring break, x-mas break, summer or as soon as finals were over. Then we took road trips or flew. The country opened up to us.

A big exotic thing in the bay area was to fly to Cancun or Hawaii, which I never understood. The stories were the same of how we got drunk at the beach, bought shot glasses and screwed up trying to get laid. I did all that in Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk for much cheaper. and got to go to Monterey when I felt like taking a more “mature, cultured” trip.

Santa Cruz, California - Boardwalk

Santa Cruz, California – Boardwalk (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I have some ideas on what to do this spring to get those exploration feelings back. Haven’t even gotten into after college/ 20 somethings trips yet…

2013/05/28 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

breaking out of Groundhog Day is finding a way not to try

This is going to be something of a week, historical. Which 2 seasons of MASH would describe it best?

Also, it’s been an interesting week of dvd’s from the library. Some of the possibly symbolic movies availible were Synecdoche new york, Brazil and Groundhog’s day. There are all these “dark” remakes: batman, battlestar galactica, but they have happier endings. Bleak movies and tragedies, now those are movies with balls. I’m pretty sure dystopic movies are to men what chick flick rom coms are to women. Instead of crying, those movies make us want to drink or go out in anger and shoot things (for me, in a video game). Whack a mole gets out more anger, but all the kids look at you with apprehension. I also got mean girls, I also saw before. I needed a hot actresses movie, but smart. Odd.

Cover of "Synecdoche New York"

Cover of Synecdoche New York

I got so many of my “1 timer” errands done, I scramble for something exciting or “juicy” this week. Most of what I have to do are 8-9 projects that I’ve been picking away at. For mon- Thursday, I prioritized in descending order which ones could make me money, maybe not necessarily the most, but the most immediate.

For the weekend, I overlapped a couple per day and these are things that require me to go back and sort thru things, like paper filing that I pick and pare away at. Someday I’m going to blow out a very large paper shredder with the 4 boxes of paper and growing.

This week is the last opportunity I have to go to Santa Cruz beach boardwalk before they go to weekend operation for the fall. I went to the fair and was happy, fighting off a couple of bouts of sadness. I have to evaluate in my head how much I need to do one more summer-y thing. I’ve been so smart with money, I now see a day in Santa Cruz as sacrificing a weekly credit card payment. I haven’t been able to make much progress since spring as it is. It bothers me.

Late evening at the Boardwalk

Late evening at the Boardwalk (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I’ve had jobs, I piss away the money as I get it. I criticize people for being stupid in doing that and here I am wanting to do that with no income. The most important goal I can make a dent on is paying off that one credit card. I seem to think I need to treat myself to something new, to maybe inspire me, or just let me have fun.

I allotted myself a “fun” budget in the form of netflix, all the classic tv series and documentaries in my mailbox 6 days a week. When I’m lucky, I get a classic on Saturday I have an extra day to watch. Then I have the free dvds I check out from the library, for all my random movie curiosities. Also, the books there that promise to solve all my problems. I have read more books that I ever did in school and have no kind of diploma or certificate for my accomplishments, just a PhD in “street smarts.”

You know the classic angel and devil on your shoulder arguing about what you should do? I recently became obsessed with deciding what 2 characters sit on my shoulders since I’m atheist. I’ve decided that whatever embodies “bad” is snaky, sarcastic, selfish, narcissist. So basically a socialite with a reality show with a life stuck in tabloids.

And then whatever I choose to represent good isn’t morning talk show/ morning radio zoo cheery, but they’re optimistic. They see opportunities. They’re also punk rock, fuck the establishment, do your own thing, create art that hasn’t been done before. Don’t fake happiness, but actually feel it. I scramble every week to find the magic that I know people saw in me when I was in college or one of the many jobs I made fun for other people while thinking it was a lead filled backpack for me.

I don’t know what to call it, but I’m afraid to have fun unless I’m being productive and/ or learning something. I can readily see how being unemployed is advantageous when I look down at someone else’s cubicle, but it’s tough to maintain when I don’t get that little piece of paper every other Friday that would get me more than a kid’s happy meal when I go out.

I think back to all the interviews that got me the job. I presented my case like I do now, and follow a bunch of “this but not that“s. I’m doing something I can’t even see on videotaping myself that doesn’t get the same result. So it goes back to those 3 phone numbers. What if more than 1 is fucking me over. I really just want to know which or what, so I can deal with it instead of trying to punch a ghost blindfolded.

This is going to be something of a week, historical. 2 years ago on the 31st, it’s the day I threw the rest of my things in a moving truck and left my girlfriend and city I love to move back here to shitstain, California, with my only support, companion and friend being my pretty girl cat.

2012/08/27 Posted by | random trains of thought- choo choo | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Summer status update

Catch up blog, easier date 120721.02
(man, will I have to go back and revise the old ones?)

First, I’m sorry. I know. I’ve been trying to keep busy “in the real world.” I do get caught up sharing political hypocrisy on fb, but I have a feeling it’s on blind eyes. Chances are, most people on my friends list hid my statuses. FB is a cruel bitch, you can have someone on your “friends” list and yet block things you post. It’s probably the most passive aggressive friendships you can have online. I need to check in on there maybe once a day.

Another vice I (have) had is watching people play video games with commentary on you tube. I kinda like it. I watch some guy play batman ark hams while he makes comments that are pretty much Mystery Science Theater 3000. Saves me 1) from buying and wasting months on the game and 2) I don’t have to deal with congesting my computer loading it and finding I can’t get it to work, which happened the last time I bought a game years ago.

I also have listened to pod casts, a lot of them originate from southern California. And a lot of guests have their own pod casts and I listen to those and notice some celebrities do the rounds on all the previous. One I like talk with people in the business that haven’t actually hit it big but they’re also not tabloid exposure whores. There’s a network of stand up comedians, actors, performers and you tube video makers. I look for something like that in this area and I struggle to find a little crazy brash group to have fun with and make a show of some kind. I had that energy before and I’m in much need of cultivating that pilot light again. Playing the pod casts lets me get a lot of filing and my sorting, amazon sales projects done around the living room.

My cat’s health: her legs appear to be weaker. She won’t get up to follow her red light (laser) bug anymore. I try to get her to walk around by putting her food, water and litter in different corners of the condo. I don’t want her legs to atrophy more. She’s also had diarrhea and it appears that today she was constipated. I realize her meat based diet must be giving her gas, constipation and upset stomach, but it’s not like I can get her to eat a salad. She does like ranch, though. There are some cat food w/ vegetable pieces I get and I make sure none of her food has by-products. It’s been a bitch to stay busy because any money I come across is earmarked for groceries and cat food and her needs. Even a daily bus pass is a large dent in finances.

In the morning, I ride around on my bicycle since the weather is cooler and the idiots are still asleep for the most part. It’s too hot in the afternoon. I hate bay area humidity, it makes my clothes stink, I hate itchy sweat. I miss desert heat, just keep drinking water. If I drink a lot of water here, I just sweat it out and stink more.

I have a lot of things on my summer calendar to do that haven’t been getting done. I’ve done a couple of free things, but I need to get out more. I need something to look forward to. I want to save up for a day to take the express bus over the hill to Santa Cruz for the day, costs only $10, but I want to make sure I have money to last more than a meal and actually have some fun there. Plus, I have felt guilty about staying to far away from my cat for too long.

My poor girl has had some seizures that have made her understandably depressed and afraid to over exert herself. I play with her, I use my kid voice and smile, and it probably makes me happier too trying to cheer her up with kitty games.

There’s a problem I’ve been having. Since the present and future are unstable, I’ve been reminiscing about the past maybe too much. I want to make August “future month.” and that also means looking at things that all the current trends I’ve written off. I want to see why people are so into immediacy instead of making things that last. Pop culture is so disposal and to the minute trendy, the internet has become an interactive remote control. I want to keep it a learning place, not a gossip place. I want to keep it educational, not entertainment, or at least infotainment. Things that will help me make money, get a job, not distract me. Tough to find consistency in that area.

I have to keep posting. I let myself get down. This is my message in a bottle to the world, I have to keep sending them out from my deserted isle.

2012/07/21 Posted by | random trains of thought- choo choo | , , , , , , , | Leave a comment