Skip this, you’re likely to find something offensive.

Open mic blog, poetry date 130527:14

Whenever I think I may be doing something wrong or immoral,
Then I see the news and see many, many people injured/ arrested for doing illegal things.

Whenever I think I ask too many things,
Then I think of parents, bosses and teachers who never taught to question authority.

Whenever I think I explain myself too much,
Then I realize people are really upset by hearing their words fed back to them.

Whenever I think I feel hostile,
Then I see how someone ruined their day/ event by acting out on it.

Whenever I think I worry too much,
Then I listen to a pod cast with a celebrity I look up to and their worries.

Whenever I think I’m not doing enough to eat or live healthier,
Then I hear how others talk about how many times they’ve had to go to the doctor.

Whenever I think I’m not applying enough,
Then I look around and see how many others are not out during those 3 hours/ mon-thu.

Whenever I think I play mind games,
Then I think of the chess masters of this and how empty their lives are now.

Whenever I think I hear a commercial catchphrase too much,
Then I feel better about not being easily influenced to buy such inferior products.

Whenever I think I may not be patriotic enough,
Then I look at all the imported logo things people wear without even knowing why.

Whenever I hear people complaining about being single,
Then I realize how comfortable I am with myself.

Whenever I think there are going to be more emergency funding cut,
Then I see how natural disasters and crime waves hit those communities.

Whenever I think I want to have kids,
Then I see a food court or a report about earth’s resources depleting

Whenever I think I am too quiet or “bottle it in,”
Then I see someone else who does nothing but complain and spout made up lies out of desperation.

But then….

After there’s weather destruction on the news,
I see people volunteer to help strangers and I give blood

After I see funds disappear or are misappropriated in a charity,
I donate time instead of money and it turns out to be far more rewarding

After a parent yells or abuses their kid,
I know I already treat children better than they can (and I try to find some way for “a nearby official” to intervene)

After I see people camping overnight for a new electronic or movie,
I have more pride for those of us who protest and picket against greed and corruption

After I see kids in high school detecting and even curing cancers,
I have hope that kids are not home playing video games and wasting their lives away

After I see people trapped in a crowded living arrangement,
I don’t feel bad about being “alone.”

After I see employees not to anything to solve that recurring problem (“it‘s always been like that”),
I come up with more ways to solve my own problems one Last time.

After I see people hoard their “friends” on face book and cell phones,
I feel a lot better about my little list of closer friends I actually talk with/ spend time with every week.

After a friend takes offense after something I’ve said or done,
I’m glad to tell them I didn’t mean them, tell them who I did mean and sadly agree that they‘ll probably won’t admit what they did was wrong.

When I see people stand around doing nothing,
I will not (be made to) feel bad about speaking up or taking action against the problem.

After I see solar and recycling developments and policies forming,
I am happier that people are running out of excuses to not care about polluting the world.

After years of eating fast/ junk food,
I am happier to have a diet with less chemicals and preservatives and instead fresher “basics” than ever before.

After I hear people complaining about their spouses,
I realize how awesome my single adventures are.

After seeing spam and flame wars online,
I am relieved to see intelligent, logical, competent and sound contributions on the web.

Server/ waiter/ restaurant spoilers alert!

 

Last night I had a server dream. Butt, it wasn’t the traditional server nightmare. Okay, if you’ve never served in a restaurant, I’m probably going to lose you. One of the last things I do is name the blog, so I can “overview” the whole episode before I post, so this will have to have something of a… warning?

I’ve been watching Nightmare on Elm Streets for Halloween. I don’t think it’s helped or hindered my sleep, that’s always been rough. Those of you that live alone can attest you can do whatever you want to, whenever you want. And this is compounded by being unemployed. I decided the middle of the night was the coolest temp of the day and the quietest from neighbor annoyances out front or banging shit around outside my window when I’m laying trying to sleep.

So, the dream: I was in a restaurant I hadn’t been in before and I usually sketch it out when I remember it. If you enter the 2 metal bar handled windowed doors, on the left are a couple of rows, the 30’s and 50’s, my station. Restaurants each have some numbering system for their tables that often don’t make sense. And they are often mixed when tables are added or a wall modification affects the table count, etc.

The 30’s are a long bench and 4 deuce tables that can be formed to 2 4-tops with 2 people at each having to use chairs. The 50’s are a row behind the chairs that are 2 4-top tables and 8 chairs. If you follow that left wall to the left, you’ll come to the dish washing area where there was no one present in the dream, of course. A server could triangulate this slump was between 2-4:00PM. I’ve worked in restaurants where shit is allowed to pile up til someone arrives 4:00-ish, which makes no sense. I’ve even worked places where I had to wash my own shit being a late lunch server. Doesn’t say much for the quality of this place in my dream.

There were things to learn on the menu and I didn’t notice any type of buffet or salad bar setup, but it “felt” very much buffet style. Water glasses were the yellow plastic tiny cobblestone patterned glasses, you know the ones. They retain the smell of bleach. The soda glasses were those curvy glasses, they have about 4 wavy “rings” around them. Very detailed dream.

I do know that I was out of server shape. One thing a server can rely on is that soreness during training. Tray or plate carrying builds those forearms. There is no sitting in a 6 some odd hour shift and you feel it in your calves. If you think you get a break, servers know you usually don’t. If you decide to sit at the small dumpy employee table that no one cleans (including cigarette smokers), you’ll be sitting for about 5 minutes because your food is being made 95% of the “break.”

The silverware was that cheap thin crap. And I’ve worked with wedding banquet utensils that have weight and heft to them, steak serrated dagger knives with big wood handles a baby can’t wrap their fingers around. THAT’s silverware.

The coworkers were- surprise- not much help. I think I have dreams like this to enhance my ability to adapt and do things on my own, but the reality is that real restaurants ARE like this. And that’s sad because these are the first people to ask you to cover their shift before you even get on the schedule.

I had a couple of tables. I did good on one table (2 guys, one had a kid) and on the second, it was 2 ladies who wanted 2 sprites and everyone and their fucking mothers got in my way to get back to them, especially people in other sections giving me their prebus shit before I could get the 2 sprites in my hands. I got the expected stiff, I was actually surprised I didn’t get the new penny- “the nickel of shame.”

There’s a video game that’s the closest to serving procedures. It’s any game with Flo. She started with a diner, but then got into games with weddings and cruise ships and resorts. The problem is you can get into a groove, but then shit speeds up a little. Remember that video game Tapper? You just sling beer, go to the next rows where people are coming in. Occasionally you run down the table to haul in tips. This is the mistake Flo games have. It gets faster and you wind up slinging shit for speed.

These games are totally unaware that as soon as you get in a groove, one customer will stop you with 4 plates of food to lecture you as long as they can about he straw paper bit that was at the bottom of their soda glass that they flagged some other server for.

As downer as this may read, I was happy to have this dream. I was serving again, at least. And shakedowns are always a hassle for a week, then you start pulling in the TIPS instead of making your trainer money. That’s actually time to try all the shit you wouldn’t do because they get stiffed.

 

Summer status update

Catch up blog, easier date 120721.02
(man, will I have to go back and revise the old ones?)

First, I’m sorry. I know. I’ve been trying to keep busy “in the real world.” I do get caught up sharing political hypocrisy on fb, but I have a feeling it’s on blind eyes. Chances are, most people on my friends list hid my statuses. FB is a cruel bitch, you can have someone on your “friends” list and yet block things you post. It’s probably the most passive aggressive friendships you can have online. I need to check in on there maybe once a day.

Another vice I (have) had is watching people play video games with commentary on you tube. I kinda like it. I watch some guy play batman ark hams while he makes comments that are pretty much Mystery Science Theater 3000. Saves me 1) from buying and wasting months on the game and 2) I don’t have to deal with congesting my computer loading it and finding I can’t get it to work, which happened the last time I bought a game years ago.

I also have listened to pod casts, a lot of them originate from southern California. And a lot of guests have their own pod casts and I listen to those and notice some celebrities do the rounds on all the previous. One I like talk with people in the business that haven’t actually hit it big but they’re also not tabloid exposure whores. There’s a network of stand up comedians, actors, performers and you tube video makers. I look for something like that in this area and I struggle to find a little crazy brash group to have fun with and make a show of some kind. I had that energy before and I’m in much need of cultivating that pilot light again. Playing the pod casts lets me get a lot of filing and my sorting, amazon sales projects done around the living room.

My cat’s health: her legs appear to be weaker. She won’t get up to follow her red light (laser) bug anymore. I try to get her to walk around by putting her food, water and litter in different corners of the condo. I don’t want her legs to atrophy more. She’s also had diarrhea and it appears that today she was constipated. I realize her meat based diet must be giving her gas, constipation and upset stomach, but it’s not like I can get her to eat a salad. She does like ranch, though. There are some cat food w/ vegetable pieces I get and I make sure none of her food has by-products. It’s been a bitch to stay busy because any money I come across is earmarked for groceries and cat food and her needs. Even a daily bus pass is a large dent in finances.

In the morning, I ride around on my bicycle since the weather is cooler and the idiots are still asleep for the most part. It’s too hot in the afternoon. I hate bay area humidity, it makes my clothes stink, I hate itchy sweat. I miss desert heat, just keep drinking water. If I drink a lot of water here, I just sweat it out and stink more.

I have a lot of things on my summer calendar to do that haven’t been getting done. I’ve done a couple of free things, but I need to get out more. I need something to look forward to. I want to save up for a day to take the express bus over the hill to Santa Cruz for the day, costs only $10, but I want to make sure I have money to last more than a meal and actually have some fun there. Plus, I have felt guilty about staying to far away from my cat for too long.

My poor girl has had some seizures that have made her understandably depressed and afraid to over exert herself. I play with her, I use my kid voice and smile, and it probably makes me happier too trying to cheer her up with kitty games.

There’s a problem I’ve been having. Since the present and future are unstable, I’ve been reminiscing about the past maybe too much. I want to make August “future month.” and that also means looking at things that all the current trends I’ve written off. I want to see why people are so into immediacy instead of making things that last. Pop culture is so disposal and to the minute trendy, the internet has become an interactive remote control. I want to keep it a learning place, not a gossip place. I want to keep it educational, not entertainment, or at least infotainment. Things that will help me make money, get a job, not distract me. Tough to find consistency in that area.

I have to keep posting. I let myself get down. This is my message in a bottle to the world, I have to keep sending them out from my deserted isle.

Cheerleading 101

Writer’s blog: 66398.29

When you’re unemployed longer than you ever thought possible, you have to do a lot of mental self pep talks to keep going.

That last blog made me examine “sides” a lot. I had to see a list of every side I was on, think about why if they weren’t on “the winning” side. I see my favorite things either closing, becoming obsolete or on some documentary revealing the truths about things I was taught from (public) school.

I’ve read a lot of books about attitudes. I have worked on ranting less, which is odd. The people who have worked with me asked if I have been in commercials because of the energy I brought, customers included. I rant online in mostly anonymous profiles, largely so past/ potential employers can’t make the connection.

Even though I don’t have a job, I work on maintaining a schedule. I portion time to look for work, exercise (mostly by getting around), and try to find “free fun” in my community. I try to find redeeming things about this community I’ve left twice in my life as if it were any new city I’d move to if I could. I try to prioritize  things I can learn from or make money from. All things considered, I’ve been a far better boos to myself than some of the demanding yet stone managers I had to endure.

I have even applied for some of those jobs where they throw around the happy little work culture they brag about. I have spilled my heart out to a manager or 2 for a chance, when I haven’t stolen from a job- or anyone, I have a clean record, I am sharp and wittier (than frankly what I’ve seen there), etc.

At the grocery store, I buy healthier than I ever have, a lot of bulk things. Turns out, I eat a lot of old school/ kid’s snack things. I snack on raw vegetables or I steam them. I knocked $15 off groceries just buy buying a bag of potatoes. I snack on fruits, drink juices (and coffee/ mocha in the morning).

Every day is hard. I have goals that spin their wheels because I need a pay check to put most of them in motion. I have done some serious damage on my “if I had the time” lists of things to do.

It’s hard for me to visualize my goals. If I dream too high up, they’re unattainable. I don’t want to “settle for less,” it’s a big fear. I have lived the high life before. I listed most of the things I’ve wasted money on as well as people I wasted my time trying to impress when what I wanted was friends that would be with me thru these tough times.

Before I may have written about my goal plan. I have a dry erase board I write my weekly/ monthly and yearly goals. I try to keep them at an “easy 3,” since with top 10 lists, everything doesn’t get done. I don’t count the usual errands/ chores on my weekly (which I do have a printed list for), I mean something I do to go above that.

One of the problems I’m having is finding something “fun” to do to entertain me when I get down that is also productive or educational. I don’t want to play any video games. I try to limit my watching tv unless it meets a dozen criteria. As far as reception tv, I watch PBS the most. Then I watch my netflix of all the things that have stood the test of time as classics not just to critics, but from work of mouth of people who’s opinions I trust.

There’s a part of me that is very reluctant to accept this period of my life. I try hard to accept it as a learning time. I have very restless days where I want to work my ass off and sweat and walk with a handful of tips. I have had to think about what kids and seniors do with their financial/ mobile limitations.

I try to look at the positives of using public transportation, buying responsibly from smaller companies. I have a moral code I live by, even though my suffering makes me question it at times. A criteria I use is “when I had money, I…” and am happy when I did what I thought was right then as well.

Why has the past 2 years been about a perforated little piece of paper for me to put in the bank? I want to wake up and not feel stuck in life. Being happy is fighting a tide of employed/ corporate types.

Why can’t I get a break