Unemploymentosphere

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My cat, Fuzzy

Owner’s blog, cat date 66292.29

I have a list of things to complain about. But I’m tired of all that. they’ll always be there. I read all kinds of things about how to deal with anger, frustration. I think of reams of rants, but when I look at my blank, white screen I fight to keep my nemeses at bay to limit their voices- their power- in MY journal. I never want to be an enabling sheep. I point things out. I already just deleted 3 paragraphs that derail me from what I want this chapter to be about. The shepherd has to prevail.

There are lots of isolated characters I’ve read and seen on film & tv, from the wise man, to the deserted man to mad scientist, to the guy in his evil lair. what a lot of them have in common is a pet they contemplate life plans with when there is no one else.

Let me start off with, yes I have owned dogs when I was young. Not much fun with the barking and the crap mine detail around the house. I was a dog person when I had them. Now I’m a cat person. Poop and pee in one convenient box! I know plenty of the dog and cat debates. I have owned pets in tanks, from fish to hermit crabs top lizards. I’ve owned caged pets, including a parakeet whose shrieks went right to my nervous system. I preferred the cooing of a finch I had. All of those pets have come and gone, but my cat remains. I’ve been pondering that “___ come and go, but ___ remains” quote a lot, trying to absorb and appreciate those second blanks.

I got fuzzy and his sister when I worked rides at a theme park, from a girlfriend’s parents house. They came from a littler of 4, the mother had over 5 different colors and patterns of fur, her name was Muffin. My g/f at the time named the small “runt” of the litter Bunny for some reason. We also got one of her brothers that I got to name, Fuzzy which made more sense to me and the name still went with Bunny’s. The other 2 were blonde boy kitties that remained at her parents court, outdoor cats. We took them as soon as they were weaned from their mother. I hope, looking back… Fuzz was black and grey stripes, Bunny was a mix of colors, greys, black, white and tan, just like her mother. I never saw the father.

We used to take them to the park in a basket, everything they did was precious. They scampered around the house when they were little, I used to enjoy hearing their little stampede around the condo, of course when I was quiet working on something else. You could hold one in your hand like a softball. We took them to the vets regularly for checkups and shots. The county offered a free voucher per pet and early on, we got them both spade and neutered. I remember that it took Bunn longer to recover, with her poor little radar dish.

I have blogged elsewhere about her brother and it’s in a file I can’t find, the blog entry lost in some server that GeoCities or MySpace was absorbed into something else.

It happened after I took a trip to Vegas, when I decided I needed to go look for work there. When I came back, I let the cats out in the front yard as I had done. The stupidest thing I did was let them out for progressively longer periods of time, trusting they would stay out of trouble and come back in on their own. Top 5 You Fucking Idiot time of my life award.

“SCREECH.” I went out front and a car was stopped. Bunn was inside. Her brother wasn’t. I ran out and thank the driver that he stopped to get out and consider what he had hit. He was even very apologetic. I told him to stay there, I was already running in the house for the kitty carrier.

I had a car at the time, so after carefully placing my wailing boy in the kitty carrier, I drove him to the vets. I remember guttural growling as I cried and drove with my right hand nuzzling his head in the passenger seat as I drove us, shaking and struggling to say comforting things towards the vets.

Our vet was in fact someone I worked with at the theme park, it was his “weekend” side job for fun. We worked on the park’s railroad together. He was there and the one I could count on to work on my cat as if it were his own. I cried and even called my mother, as I had before in an emergency.

A couple of hours into it, I had to accept some things, drowning in tears. No, I just wanted him to live. I’ve seen people take care of cats without all their legs. What was important to me was that I keep his spirit alive, let me love him longer.

The vet told me that he couldn’t realistically keep Fuzzy alive, his mind wouldn’t be fully there if he could. I really didn’t give a shit about what money I had to “borrow” to keep him alive. When I realized he most likely wouldn’t be in his state of mind again, I had to accept things and drive him home in his kitty carrier until he went to sleep for the last time.

I kept my hand on him as I lay, he smelled like blood. I told him how much we loved him over and over and happy memories we shared. I’m happy I took pics of them playing.

Bunn was confused, she would wander around. After he passed away, I just left him in the carrier until I figured out what to do the next day. I kept good thoughts and smiled thru tears. It wasn’t a time to debate God, it was a time to celebrate my boy fuzzy and if there was a spirit rising from him I had to let him see we loved him and how he enriched mine and Bunn’s lives. She approached him, smelled that he was… different and walked away. I cried for the 3 of us all night & the next morning, pretty useless for me to try to lie in bed.

I would up buying him in the front yard among some rose plants that line the front of the condo I’m staying in again, now a decade later. When we came back, I’d sit out front and let Bunn play for a while until she started eating the grass. I saw in a documentary about yard maintenance and all the chemicals they put into lawn care. It made her sicker than I thought all those years.

I meant to write about Bunn, but this needed to be shared again. I’ll write about happy times with her within a few weeks.

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2012/04/16 Posted by | History 101 | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Writer’s Blog: bardate 66153.04

Writing is about one of the last things I have that is all mine. Sometimes I question whether or not I’m a control freak. I think I put up with a lot, I “give up” too much control until I’m backed into a corner, and that is something I have to work on. Western tv/ film influence calls the reaction taking a stand. However the reaction I see is different when I am put in a situation to speak up. It turns into what’s called a Larry David moment.

I have in the past I come out fighting after taking so many daily indignities, be it work or noticeably holiday customs/ business/ politics that bring up the same irritating questions every year. I’ve noticed “thick skin” or “going with the flow” seems to mean get back to your cubicle and shut up, sheep.

There are people I see with blogs that also do their own thing. They make money off them and I have to pay attention to all that crap in the sides, headers and footers to see who may be giving a cut to the content in the middle. I’m fascinated by some of these bloggers/ vloggers. They do great consistent work and have a following.

I think my big blog following was on MySpace until they fucked it up. I tried a couple of other web communities with mixed results. I came to word press because I researched blog communities that have been around a long time and you could follow, comment and connect to other bloggers. And at some point I could eventually transfer it to my own domain.

It’s tough writing a book, that has turned into outlines of 6-8 others that can run either in tandem or sequence. There’s a lot of privacy to a point, so our shit doesn’t get ripped off. But you do have to put some “A” material out there to test reaction like a stand up comedian trying out riffs, making sure the narrative/ language works. I sit on a lot of things I’m proud of for hopefully a pay off later, to allow me to continue doing this thing that allows me to be my own boss.

DVD commentaries about movie/ tv production and the lives of writers? Yeah, I‘m a whore for that stuff. Writers’ block hasn’t been one of my problems, I have binders and stacks of notes. Hoarding is my problem and I spend a lot of time whittling down now to just what “will make an income” at the end of the day.

There’s a list I have of all the things I want to do and am chipping away at now. It seems that I can “launch” a bunch of things when I get an income. I do go out there and walk around without much to my name. Confidence is a heavier weight for me to carry without a job.

Never before have I had so much time to realize confidence isn’t just the image I have of myself, it’s a lot of carrying the weight of supporters. It’s hard to believe whether or not I care what naysayers think is controlled by a bit ion my brain that is either switched to 1 or 0.

I was often put into positions of responsibility or leading with whatever random group of people I’m with. Now, I struggle with letting problems go instead of owning every damn thing. I try to ration now by what I’m getting paid to do. It’s been freeing.

I’ve been writing every week about my early years of discovering Vegas. Problems are not only laughable, I seek out the best ones. I think what separates men from women is that we men will do a lot of shit just for the story.

When I write, I can bend time and space, since my day-to-day isn’t much fun. I can talk to people I can’t talk to now, I am filled with so much pride, or embarrassment. Or shit, right? I can see and bring people back when they were at their best. And I as well.

For a few months now, I’ve been restless. I’m ready to go out there and live life, something besides trying to find an employer to accept me. I’m so tired of seeing events go by without being able to join in.

2012/02/25 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

You got Dick Sucking Lips?

I don’t have a net phone, which will be a whole other blog. And I haven’t used/ borrowed anyone else’s, I usually have to leave when people stick their head in their phone for 20 minutes when we’re supposed to be hanging out.

I think I scored a major achievement since I got my library card last summer. I managed to get high-speed internet at home for $18/ mo & a trial price for $10/ mo for the next 6 months on top of it, absorbing the installation/ hardware fee.

So last night I whored all the streaming I missed in the past couple of years since I last had it and over twice the price. I made a new bookmark folder w/ all the movie sites I could think of.

Let me just say, I know people are making money from you tube videos. I have a camcorder, I want to do this. The sad part is, my talent pool of friends are 600 miles away. So that leaves me. I don’t mind being in front of the camera, but honestly, people want a cute girl hosting. They get the access to interview most celebs and blogs that promise to show their almost exposed nipple.

So I need to save for a home green screen kit and amp up production value that way. I have a lot of ideas from my biggest inspirations. Action, location, lust and a couple of other things is the formula I see working.

Viral videos used to flood the net for tv exposure. Last night I realized that most tv shows try to do that one 5 minute bit that will get viral as a “free” commercial. It’s strange reverse engineering like fast food chains pushing their way into the food truck scene. It’s like people thinking Charlie Sheen had a meltdown instead of realizing Hollywood enablers made him the most paid man based on his lifestyle and got pissed when he used the money to take his work home & on some porn star junkets.

I got caught up on some tv bits I don’t get reception for, like Craig Ferguson. I’m now listening to Adam Carolla’s pod cast. I was on you tube for 3 hours easily, backtracking my subscriptions and adding a handful more I could think of.

And porn. Yes, porn. Gotta say, Brazzers is my favorite company since the AVN AEE conventions. I think porn stars are marketing geniuses. If I had a vagina I could put on a coozie, I’d do it. Hilarious and practical and there’s a pun in there.

I got caught on other sites that clogged up my old dial-up, like MySpace, that old site everyone left for facebook. I will go every week to support it, just as I’d go to K-Mart & Sears if I had the money. I’m for the old school struggling that was a bigger part of our lives before robbing the vendors and customers became the practice.

I think I’m going to binge on this internet buffet until Saturday. Sunday, I dust off my eBay selling account and trying selling @ Amazon. I see on the news how Craigslist has become the new portal of robbing people in their homes, forget that. I’m going to sell things I can stuff into the USPS all you can fit boxes since people seemed to be buying again according to last xmas.

While I have been finding advantages in my situation, compared to the working drones, I need to make money. Last year, I looked for work 4-5 days/ week. This year, I’m scaling down that time vampire down to 3 days. 3-4 days to make money online and if it works, I’ll go 5-6 days. We’ll see how long that lasts. I hope it’ll get me on my way to machete-ing my one damn credit card.

It’s great to have DSL again, it’s like the universe opened up a little possibility for me again.

I planned on doing Netflix next time. Or should I go with web phones?

2012/01/25 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Resolutions on it’s ass

So, resolutions. For some reason a couple of days after x-mas to the end of January, people are happier, friendlier, starting up gym memberships and doing all kinds of things to try and redeem themselves.

There are a lot of things I want to do. Last year I listed most of them and kept it in an “action binder” that I refer to. I’ve been working on such a binder that kinda reminds me of the binders they used in Falcon and the Snowman for some reason. They are my codes.

If they are in this binder, they’re not in the pile of scrap papers I also have to go thru. I try to stop or dam of scrap papers and use, consolidate or eliminate then someday shred the discarded. I have written a bunch of things stored on computer, also. When I got a computer, it was supposed to be a big informational hub where I didn’t need to write things on papers and in blank notebooks and journals anymore. I actually did manage to get rid of what I remembered to be a laundry basket filled with pages of notes. It’s down to a good work boot sized shoe box I’d say. In a binder, they’d be readily available, not buried in a computer I’d have to turn on, find the file, open it up, etc.

There is a gauge, like on a dashboard that I imagine, with me my most productive at the far right. On the far left are the things I cannot do, I have to stop doing, I have to quit. And in the low middle is idle existence. It’s status quo. It’s also enabling, it’s the space that I curse for being gullible. It’s a gauge I try to organize and prioritize. Sometimes I push to the right to get bounced back to the left. Some days it’s maintaining a good rhytm in 4th gear. Sometimes I can’t get out of first and I try to force things. Sometimes I let things go and like a gas tank shit accumulates and escalates to the left until things are fucked and I have more to do to get me back on the positive side.

One of the things I wanted to do was maintain a blog again. I have written about how Myspace and facebook screwed me. How can I start up on another web page that I have to assume won’t be around in 10 years. Buying my own domain is right up there on the things to do when I get work, but I’ve been unemployed for 19 months, now. Even domain owners get bought out, changed or deleted. I honestly have to make plans on the assumption that I’m not just broke but actually poor, or my expectations build my frustration. Unemployment is being David Banner.

I’ve been reading Zen Buddhist books that tell me I have to be happy with who I am, where I am. It’s hard advice to take. I spent half my life trying to escape the bay area. I know people would love the tourist side of things and I am happy with a lot of political aspects, surprisingly, at least compared to most other states. But Vegas is place I was happiest, even without money.

I have a ton of resolutions I spouted on twitter, but when I look back at them it just looks like my weekly goals. It’s a lot about thinking I have to maintain. Happiness is always a puzzle to me. I think too many people overdo it, to be honest. People take drugs and it backfires on them. I look at people and all they do is entertain themselves all day, fun clothes, play games on their phone, see the fun movie, watch tons of tv. Nobody wants to work for anything. Everyone wants the cubicle and surround themselves with their cable and season tickets and lets have a kid, in the bay area anyway. It’s totally foreign to me. I don’t want to be a working stiff, but I want to be proud of making the money to get what I need and save.

I see certain areas of happiness as distractions. I feel like, I don’t know how to say it, vegetables. It’s what’s good, but most people think it’s boring and would rather eat society’s junk food. When I have no money, I get back to basics. In fact, I saw a book the other day on how Amish people have the most impressive self-sustaining habits as far as a group goes. No one wants to give up plugging into the network in silicon valley. I see it as a hive or cattle I have to smile and nod while I find the means to leave.

In 2012 I’ve had to do a lot of thinking about what would make me happy that doesn’t involve money, for now. I still have my “to buy” list from last year, I don’t think anything above groceries and cat food got done. I run out of things and eventually go without them.

My goal here is to write at least 52 essays, one a week. Most likely, this will be about my leftover thoughts, too big for twitter. Some may be about my work search. Some may appear random, but I outline a lot, so they lead to something.

2012/01/03 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , | Leave a comment

My trail on the interwebs

I feel kinda nervous starting another blog. Each site I devoted months and years on made the eventual big Change that pissed off all it’s users, drove them to other sites. In Myspace, it basically wiped out over 10 years of blogs (circa 1997-2008) and more important, comments that inspired me to write more and basically cheered me up a hell of a lot.

Facebook drew my interest for a couple of years (2008-2010-ish). When I joined people were complaining about a big change I missed. When I had to move away from Vegas and back to the bay area, I was honestly depressed and didn’t want to read about all the fun things I was missing and bragging that people do about how they’re in a better place in life. Facebook blogging paled in comparison to Myspace, they called it making a “note” and for some reason it only filled the middle third column of the screen that couldn’t be adjusted.

Google+ was something I didn’t even want to get involved in and it’s already tanking with issues from verification checks on your “real name.” They basically want your phone number, social, checking account numbers. My trust fell with all the big social network sites and even search engines. I wouldn’t have guessed that Big Brother came from social networking instead of government. But every word we type is accumulated market research to sell ads.

I have even started blogs on other sites, to have them not last more than a few entries. I want to feel the interaction w/ notes and comments I felt back on Myspace, less like I’m writing to a wall. It’s part of why I gave up on facebook, also. I had my friend list, but I ranted a lot with my unemployment. My support dwindled with my frustrations. My world was systematically collapsing and honestly I lashed out when my pleas for assistance were met with silence. I was always there for others.

I found yelp and that place was great for a couple of years, too. I helped me find new small businesses in Vegas. I tried keeping it up after I had to move back, but it became increasingly frustrating. My reviews of Vegas started getting out of touch. Things change fast over there, I felt like my reviews were obsolete. There was even a point where I was reviewing places as they closed down. That was a bummer, too. I may link that sometime. It’s should be easy to find if you want to search on your own for it, if not note me. I did a lot of first reviews.

It’s December, so everyone does a resolution thing. I told myself I wouldn’t, but I do have a goal here. I have written so much about Vegas that it leads my mind to other things. For some reason, I brainstorm an essay in my head, even if I’m waiting in line. I get the need to post it somewhere, to get it out of my head. Sometimes it’s tips, a lot of times it was ranting.

A page long essay every week is what I want to do, about things that wouldn’t go into the Vegas book I dream about writing. I have assembled a couple of binders of research and I have tons of printouts from when I was a concierge. I have 3 years of pamphlets and years of weeklies I basically hoarded. Those can get me thru these times so far away. I have to put them away sometimes when I get depressed and feel that I’m looking back more than forward about it. I eventually realize it’s both. I can’t go forward without remembering what I am capable of.

I want this to be a place of hope. I rant semi anonymously on twitter. I have noticed I’ve been un-followed by people I actually know. I don’t know where I can vent. In person, I’m actually friendly, pleasant and mostly listening to other people’s problems. When I go online and rant, people could think that that’s all I am and I understand that. Maybe I could take racquetball so I can slam a ball around.

Maybe next time I’ll write about what I’ve accomplished this year so you can get an idea of where my head has been the past couple of years.

2011/12/20 Posted by | History 101 | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

First!

This is a test

I have to learn how to work all the functions staring at me on the left column.

Once I get all competent on this, I’ll blow your Vegas blog hole wide open.

Add me if you blog from Vegas or are interested in reading about Vegas.

I’m on Twitter,

I write reviews on Yelp.

I have a Myspace that I used since 2003 until a format change ZAPPED away 10 years of blogs and notes without warning in 2010 when those 300 myspace employees were laid off for the holidays. Black Blog Day.

One of the things I worry about is Facebook either becoming the new abandoned Myspace in a few years, or the portal to privacy invasion that will make hackers look like children on a Fisher Price computer.

What happens if I check “This post is super-awesome?”

2011/08/16 Posted by | random trains of thought- choo choo | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment