Unemploymentosphere

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A life after my best friend died

My blog, posting date 120729.07:

Since my last blog, I’ve written many lists, 2 sided sheets, of my cat. Every time I do something and I have to remind myself she isn’t around, I write it down. It’s important to me.

I know I’m going to need to check out some books about grieving for a loss weds when the library is open again. This is the problem I’m having:

2 years ago I thought I could find a better job to improve my situation for the 4 biggest things in my life: my g/f, my kitty, our apartment & the city I loved. Today I look for any job, including shitty ones- just out of proximity, without any of the 4 biggest things in my life that were motivation. I don’t know how to think for myself.

I love my cat, it’s difficult to wake up and realize she didn’t wake me up for food, that I got 6 hours of sleep uninterrupted. I kept my list of things to do list very light for a week to mourn. I went out one day to just walk around, check out pet stores, look at trees, look for breezes to envelop me. I now notice every animal around me, birds, cats, people walking their dogs.

My fb and twit pages changed a bit. Like my computer’s desktop and screensaver, my cat became most of my avatars. I don’t have the frustration and anger to post my chicken little/ Don Quixote warnings to an uncaring friends list about how institutions are writing policy to keep them richer and us that don’t make $250K/ yr poorer. People don’t give a shit when they’re entertained and kept in a comfort zone of web phones, cable tv and adding to their hobby collection. Wow, frustration just made a little comeback.

I write with my cat looking over me in my mind. She would ask why are things this way? Why can’t I do things in my little world without these outside things hassling me? why don’t people learn with the facts right there? It’s a lot of what I ask myself, only I wonder why other people have their denial blinders on. We can’t do anything, wait for someone else to do something about it. Meanwhile those with suits deep in their protected offices do.

Monday, I’m going to have to leave the condo to go out to look for work again. I understand that I also have new opportunities that I couldn’t do before. My mother may be willing to help me with a bus ticket so I can check out opportunities in other cities, now that I could go someplace, say S.F. or L.A. or anywhere else. I can make a list of things to apply at or have friends that have a couch that needs holding down for a week.

I know I have to move on, but I feel guilty about it or I should at least continue honorably to tribute my Bunn. There are strange things I’m doing around the condo, most cleaning and basically some things I hadn’t done before and I question it. I do chores to keep busy and not dwell. but I question why I didn’t do them before, my cat didn’t keep me from doing these things and yet I feel an ounce of guilt of why didn’t I?

Before I got my cat, I had a lot of condo parties so I wouldn’t feel alone. I can’t go down that path again, mostly because the new neighbors and HOA would take issue even if I could get estranged “friends” to come over. As it was then as it is now, people would come over to trash a house for a party, but they aren’t here for me during hard times like now.

Books give me advice that’s hard to apply, I see it as a major part of the problem. It’s basically “go to what makes you happy, stay away from negativity.” I understand this and have seen it. I understand a bunch of excuses why people don’t want to spend time with me anymore. I’m not at my best.

But what happened to doing the work for friends or loved ones? Don’t leave someone just because they’re in the hospital with a new permanent condition. Show some respect. I’m always told to stay in there and help and I have done that for years, backed people up. Driving out in the cold on my motorcycle, buying tickets to their things when it cost me money when we could hang out for free.

I go thru the toughest shit in my life and everyone’s too busy. And you want me to come around when it’s x-mas so I can watch everyone trade presents when I can’t afford anything? People can’t do the hard work anymore and the bullshit is they say those struggling to get by need to when they are, we are- I AM doing more work already, than when I HAD a job.

So, I’m supposed to go on without, stay away from their negativity. I’m already staying away from mall/ China consumers and politically inactive. I’ve talked about zombie movies before. The world seems to have become this. You put your faith in someone or some institution. Then one day you find out they have someone on the side, or they’ve trapped steer in small holding pens your whole life. Everyone turns one day and I have to pack up my shotguns and wander in to the next town, suspicious of everyone until someone proves them self. Is that what stay away from negativity is? Is that what life is? I go to a lot of community events, as they are signs that people care while everyone else watches tv, internet, their phone- some screen at home.

The one thing I do realize now, for better or worse, I have to move on and I now can expand my horizons out of this condo again. By the time I can save enough to move out, I should be able to make peace with the kitty graveyard of 2 out front. I have Bunn & Fuzz in my heart and mind. they have to live vicariously thru me. It’s like McCoy with Spock’s katra inside him. My cats have affected me for the better and now I carry them inside of me, the last part of them to live.

For a couple of months, when I go out, I don’t just look for a job. Now I look for a place to belong. I look for a crew that laughs and is “good” together. In every movie is the wacky rag, tag crew. But in real life when you go to a business, everyone can’t wait to get the hell out and leave. I’ve had jobs that turn into that. Somewhere people have to want to be together, not with their back in the corner waiting for anyone else to turn zombie.

I don’t have love at home, now. Until I can afford to keep a pair of adopted cats, I have to find a support group that will welcome me, work or otherwise.

2012/07/29 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What side are we on?

Writer’s blog, bardate 66270.66

When it comes down to it, I think I have 2 choices when I blog, positive or negative. I have, online before isolated people when I rant because it’s usually in the form of “us vs. them.” I get bombarded by things society pushes on me all day that I put up with, but then I go online and perpetuate it by bombarding you. And I do realize that you may have had nothing to do with the things that get pushed on me all week and that my frustration may come out of nowhere to you, even setting you off when our beliefs differ.

I am confused and troubled on how to get out of “the situation I‘m in.” But I find that this is a constant, even when I was employed, even when I had things I don’t now. So I look to all kinds of things I hadn’t considered before, try to look at things from another point of view. Try to find out how to enjoy where I am in life without comparing now to when things were better or what others have “more of“ than I do, an impossibly can’t win standard.

Realistically, a lot of other points of view I checked out have just proven themselves to be exactly as stupid and narrow-minded as I imagined them to be. Then there’s a middle category, where I can understand where they’re coming from, even though my belief is still different.

Each issue has sides to it. I was going to write a blog a few weeks ago on how we’re conditioned to think everyone is an asshole. And I’m not even getting into a discussion about politics, religion or sports, which I put in the order I thought had the most effects to society. See, you may already be thinking different here.

TV or not TV: I may be about 5 years too late for this, but since I started writing in this blog regularly for a few months I suppose I can chalk it up to “back story.” I didn’t have cable tv since I spent a week horrified of 9/11 reports. I allowed myself to be sucked into the fear, and yet I still wasn’t frightened into voting for Bush (either time). I haven’t had broadband for a while til this January, since I scored it for cheap, less than $20/ mo (netzero.net), a couple bucks more than they offered for their dial-up that I put up w/ a few years.

I don’t watch a lot of tv, what I rent on Netflix are movies and tv shows that I factor from the “best of” what I’ve missed in the past decade I was partying in Vegas.

Before that, I believed in a “future’s future.” That meant I liked all the Star Trek Shows. And I’m not talking about the freaky aliens, I’m talking about how races of Earth were together, going out discovering & helping other cultures w/ their problems. There was a hierarchy for organizations you could believe in. Trek may have had corrupt people in systems, but whether you were Federation or Klingon, or whatever, you didn’t think the organization itself was in shambles as the organizations that basically run our society.

It’s interesting to look back to see what the future was supposed to be. When Star Trek was on, the future didn’t have anything to do with “reality tvkim kardashian, jersey shore type shows. It wasn’t led by socialites in trouble with the law, the paris hilton, or lindsey lohan, or the celebrities battling with their weight and botched cosmetic surgeries. It’ didn’t have anything to do with drugs, food and water supplies that we couldn’t trust. Nor did it involve power, electric or the gas that runs our vehicles to get more expensive, resources that was not only running lower, but polluting our planet. It didn’t have anything to do with all our electronics being networked on a new system, this internet, that is far more unstable that governments themselves have been hacked repeatedly on it. We’re all supposed to be logical scientists with tricorders working on “higher” levels of problems.

I have my interests that are often in the minority I admit. When “everyone” likes something, I find a reason to pick into it’s popularity, aside from being middle of the road, bland, sold out, the corporation that sponsored it, made in China, etc.

But, I’m trying. I look back and at every job, I’ve gone along with the others, I picked my battles. I put up with a lot of shit, but then find myself in a position that when I finally need something people don’t rally behind me to help me out, as I’ve done time and time again for them. I read psych books that say, if people bother you so much, stop hanging around them. This isolates me. I’m supposed to go out there into new environments to “network,” and find new opportunities, that I reluctantly do every week.

And by the way, are the unemployed sitting at home any less anti-social than going out with your friends every night to have your head stuck in an igadget?

I could write a supplemental list of sides of issues that I think about every day.

Next week, I’m considering writing about my cat. I think she deserves some blog time. And hopefully it’ll be a happier topic, for my head.

Any other topic suggestions?

2012/04/08 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment