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Writer’s Blog: bardate 66153.04

Writing is about one of the last things I have that is all mine. Sometimes I question whether or not I’m a control freak. I think I put up with a lot, I “give up” too much control until I’m backed into a corner, and that is something I have to work on. Western tv/ film influence calls the reaction taking a stand. However the reaction I see is different when I am put in a situation to speak up. It turns into what’s called a Larry David moment.

I have in the past I come out fighting after taking so many daily indignities, be it work or noticeably holiday customs/ business/ politics that bring up the same irritating questions every year. I’ve noticed “thick skin” or “going with the flow” seems to mean get back to your cubicle and shut up, sheep.

There are people I see with blogs that also do their own thing. They make money off them and I have to pay attention to all that crap in the sides, headers and footers to see who may be giving a cut to the content in the middle. I’m fascinated by some of these bloggers/ vloggers. They do great consistent work and have a following.

I think my big blog following was on MySpace until they fucked it up. I tried a couple of other web communities with mixed results. I came to word press because I researched blog communities that have been around a long time and you could follow, comment and connect to other bloggers. And at some point I could eventually transfer it to my own domain.

It’s tough writing a book, that has turned into outlines of 6-8 others that can run either in tandem or sequence. There’s a lot of privacy to a point, so our shit doesn’t get ripped off. But you do have to put some “A” material out there to test reaction like a stand up comedian trying out riffs, making sure the narrative/ language works. I sit on a lot of things I’m proud of for hopefully a pay off later, to allow me to continue doing this thing that allows me to be my own boss.

DVD commentaries about movie/ tv production and the lives of writers? Yeah, I‘m a whore for that stuff. Writers’ block hasn’t been one of my problems, I have binders and stacks of notes. Hoarding is my problem and I spend a lot of time whittling down now to just what “will make an income” at the end of the day.

There’s a list I have of all the things I want to do and am chipping away at now. It seems that I can “launch” a bunch of things when I get an income. I do go out there and walk around without much to my name. Confidence is a heavier weight for me to carry without a job.

Never before have I had so much time to realize confidence isn’t just the image I have of myself, it’s a lot of carrying the weight of supporters. It’s hard to believe whether or not I care what naysayers think is controlled by a bit ion my brain that is either switched to 1 or 0.

I was often put into positions of responsibility or leading with whatever random group of people I’m with. Now, I struggle with letting problems go instead of owning every damn thing. I try to ration now by what I’m getting paid to do. It’s been freeing.

I’ve been writing every week about my early years of discovering Vegas. Problems are not only laughable, I seek out the best ones. I think what separates men from women is that we men will do a lot of shit just for the story.

When I write, I can bend time and space, since my day-to-day isn’t much fun. I can talk to people I can’t talk to now, I am filled with so much pride, or embarrassment. Or shit, right? I can see and bring people back when they were at their best. And I as well.

For a few months now, I’ve been restless. I’m ready to go out there and live life, something besides trying to find an employer to accept me. I’m so tired of seeing events go by without being able to join in.

2012/02/25 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Drunk, high or laid happiness?

The first week of January, I took a pause and tried to break all my weekly patterns. I put it all aside to kick 2010 to the curb like some bad shrimp. I also took some blank paper, like I do. Last year, I made a similar list of things that would make things better. They all involved working harder to find a job than I could working one.

I keep hearing trite advice about liking where you are and do what you love for work and all these things. They’re foreign concepts to me and I spent some time trying to figure them out.

For over half my life I lived in South San Jose, trying to get out of the condo where I live. Without dredging up another distraction, what you need to know is that it’s basically free to me- at a highly emotionally abusive cost. And it’s not just me, most of the people I’ve gone to school with got the hell out of here as soon as they graduated. Same for people I worked with.

The people who I realized stayed the past decade, the only thing I can think to call them is “townies.” the guys sit home, play video games, watch sports. The married off don’t go out, well, where I’m going with that could best be seen in How I met your mother. It’s a brilliant show because the major sub plots are about growing older and coupling off and having kids. Or…. How you can not.

As for the “dream job,” I have applied for many of these and got no reply. The 2 best jobs I have ever had, I felt phony for 40 hours/ week and I sucked it up and blew it aside in my free time because it was Vegas. You literally could go for a walk in any direction and in 20 minutes you’d be smiling again in a casino or a free attraction or come across some crazy shit in any other town that’s common place off strip.

Now, the only place that brings me joy (that doesn’t cost anything) and has possibilities is the library. And that is in constant threat of closing with the yearly budget circling the drain.

For over a year and a half I’ve been unemployed and it’s given me a lot to think about, the former lives I had. The opportunities I had and the money people squander that conveniently is just above what they make.

Now, I’m in a phase where I’ve… seen the light. I know the most efficient way to spend and on things that aren’t so disposable (unless they’re meant to be like groceries).

I have seen that life is about power. You have things others don’t and they have things you don’t. And now the net is used so people can go on their profile to go on and on about that.

Life is also about attitude. I wallowed, got depressed and was difficult, out of frustration for basic survival. It’s funny no one gives a shit about you when you’re down, but if you die a CEO those exact same behaviors get you labelled a visionary icon.

When I had a car in college, it broke down so much, I sidetracked the film classes I wanted to take to take auto. I took enough classes to Macgyver every vehicle I’ve owned at least to a garage or home to fix, since. That guiding the tow truck to the front of the house just became a humiliating exercise I couldn’t do anymore.

So when my depression started rising to a level where I had to stand on my toes to breathe, I read psych books instead of self-help books from the library. I also read bios of stand up comedians, satirists. I made much headway, broke all kinds of barriers, turned my thinking on it’s ass over a dozen times from a hundred different angles. It’s far more than anyone else could ever do to understand me.

I saw the movie Red Dawn and the last time I saw it I rented it on VHS from the local video store. And I learned that I survived in the unemployment wilderness- hell, I have to get ready to apply. I’ll have to continue next time

2012/01/10 Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , | 1 Comment