Winter has begun

Blogdate: 121209:21

I feel like Marc Maron, I’m going to start off with another apology. Of all things, I should have blogged about my favorite holiday, Halloween. Or the importance of voting, which turns out people realized and waited in line hours, even after the polls closed 8:00 pacific. Us poor people really sick of millionaires writing policy to screw us, in laws, at work.

So here we are, a week-ish before xmas. I’m already thinking ahead to new years. I remember the feeling of that countdown, the hopes and looking at the bright lights and people kissing off the old year. Even the biggest pessimists look forward to the hopes of a new year. I wonder where best to celebrate. Normally, I’d love it to be Fremont St. in Vegas, but it’s a bunch of 80’s glam rock bands. I always chicken out from San Francisco because where am I going to sleep after? The damn public transportation will shut down when the bars do, not hours after as it would be convenient to us holiday binge drinkers.

So, I have been twittering, you guys got to see some of those posts. I love twitter, I honestly have been on my other evil twitter pundit profile. I spew out all my anger from the news there. It’s a neat little Pandora’s box of anger to rage in like a Klingon.

My search for work bounces between 3 categories: 1) regular bullshit applying, which is a ridiculous ritual at this point but I have to keep doing it to do it; 2) searching for ways I can make money online, thru writing and selling shit and somehow developing a base site that I can have tons of ads to annoy you; 3) I pick a city every week to research, not only for work but for the culture.

Can I bear it politically? Is public transit a nightmare or cutting age around the clock? Not cut to shit by the budget. Is there burlesque and rockabilly there? Are there fun, annual events? What weather calamities will I have to face? Freezing my ass off? Humid, rainy mold? Stinky, dehydrating heat and sand storms? Floods, tornadoes, tsunamis? It gets a bit superficial, but where I live should be planned like a vacation. Basically, can I stand the people there?

In no order, I have or still am considering in no particular order: Albuquerque, NM, some blue county in Arizona if not NM; southern California, honestly Hollywood for the comedy clubs and improv classes, maybe Buena Park a close second. I love Knott’s Berry farm even though I have odd non-statistical and hopefully outdated feelings about the surrounding neighborhoods;

Also, I’m considering with a friend in a place I’m not naming right now. It’s complicated to get to. But we talk a lot. She keeps me from going insane, as I breakdown a lot of nights in anguish at my unemployment. She’s the only 1 left to listen. It’s not so frequent, now. Books make me happy, learning about business, history, etc. Books are another blog.

What else? Don’t know if I could bear deep red Texas, but Austin would be the place, if any. I wish Seattle wasn’t as cloudy and gloomy as my mind is convinced and people try to convince me not; I don’t know about Oregon. I saw Portlandia, it’s quirky. If the area is like the show, I might as well live in Berkeley for the same thing, closer.

I made a landmark achievement: I paid off my 1 credit card of $750 limit, yes without a job, selling crap and somehow staying above my weekly groceries and utilities. I don’t think I succeeded some weeks. So I’m trying to save now. I believe I can afford a bus trip 1 way to any place in the country, maybe beyond. But I need to save up more since I’d probably rack up my card on the way there, let alone staying wherever for even a week.

As it looks, now, I need to put myself in a situation of someone’s couch. It’s horrible for the host and the loser on the couch. I don’t really know how it can work. Once I’m on a couch, I’ll have no way to get back, no security in finding a job unless the “friend” knows “everyone” in town and can hook me up. And if I run out of money, I’ll be away from the rest of my possessions I could sell.

My breaking point is in 2013. I have to get a job, leave this condo and live my own life. I’m so worn out, I really deserve a break since I work harder than people with jobs.

 

Senior Kittyzen Retirement Home

Owner’s blog, kitty date 66489.51

For the most part, I write a blog with the hope that someday you’ll come across it, share some comment love, follow it. The dream: regular commenter, blog interaction. But this blog is more of a reminder or a notation of some changes occurring. Things won’t be the way they were and this is something I get sad about.

Since I had to move back to condo de backup, whose complex name is literally “Downer,” my cat hos gone thru some noticeable changes.

According to some online vets, my cat is around 81 years old “in cat years.” My best estimate is she was born in 94, I got her after she was weaned from her mother, so 18 years “people time” as of this writing.

When we first moved back, she’d sleep on the foot of my bed by my legs like always. She immediately started pooping on the comforter, leading  to an elaborate hassle of taking it to the large washing machine at the Laundromat. I could wash the other sheets in the condo’s common washer/ dryer. There was stress in moving, and my nerves and depression were escalating as the situation was setting in for me, so that’s how I wrote it off with her.

We settled in and she stopped. There are 2 rooms to the condo and I eventually moved into the other room, rearranging everything because of the new asshole neighbor with a loud a/c hillbilly rigged to his window next to my (old) bedroom window. Also the booming home surround sound for their tv that let me know they weren’t watching PBS or anything above a PG-13 mentality.

Eventually in the new room, she started pooping under the bed and for a bit I’d put boxes and laundry stacks around the bed until I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. I put a flattened cardboard box as a baby gate in my bedroom doorway. I’m now a VIP area asshole. So now, she scratches at it reliably my 3rd hour into my sleep, whatever time.

She eats canned food more because of her older teeth, sore gums. I even sprayed water on her dry food and there’s a small window she’ll eat it. Think how you eat cereal. Not too crunchy to shred the roof of your mouth, too mushy and you don’t want to eat it. Dry food is just a backup she eats at unpredictable times. For the canned food, I feed too much, she won’t finish it. I refrigerate her food after I open it, so she may not like room temperature food anymore? (I’ve gotten to refrigerate unopened cans).

I’ve done good for canned food, in that I’m a big no by-product Nazi. And I know canned cat food no matter how healthy probably is run the same or worse than human food processing, which has scared me to mostly vegetarian diet. I’ll eat meat once a day, or put a small amount of hot link in my spaghetti, jambalaya, etc. If I feed her too less can, she’ll want seconds, scratching that cardboard partition. Getting out of bed at 4:00AM is like pulling yourself out of a swimming pool. Somehow your body weighs 60 more lbs. and leg over the cardboard baby gate.

About a month ago, it looked like her rear legs started getting weaker. I didn’t know if they were sore, numbing or atrophying. I tried to walk her around a large circle with the only cat toy she’ll still perk up to, the red pen laser. She even stumbled on her litter box, so I knew shit was getting real.

And one week, she started writhing around on her back. I thought she was playing but I soon realized she was thrashing around uncontrollably. I held her, tried calming her down. She grabbed my finger with both front paws, I checked to make sure she had feeling and grasp. I held her until she stopped thrashing. Her heart was pumping hard. I don’t know if it was a heart attack, stroke or seizure. She made no kind of yelping or even drooling, I was very worried she didn’t/ couldn’t even call out.

She wasn’t very active for the week after, very understandable. I petted her a lot, but I did more so after that. She likes the side of her head and chin scratched. Her legs seemed to improve. I have bought vitamin treats since, hoping that helps.

I’m pissed at my vet because I’ve taken my cat at least 6 times, blood work costs $200 each time. He prescribed thyroid medicine that’s $30/ month that I still get. But I address my concerns and my cat’s problems every time and my vet won’t commit to saying a damn thing and it pisses me off to go home after to look symptoms on the net after I spent grocery money for him to not say anything useful or not to “take care of” my cat. He just wants blood work money. So I’m recognizing some struggles we had with my Grandfather when dealing with his doctors and him taking his medicine. I’ve gotten to a good grove in smashing her kitty meds into a tablespoon of milk.

This is my cat’s retirement and I love her more than anything. I know I could load a backpack and look for work in San Francisco or L.A. without her. But I’m committed to her for life. She’s the love of my life, even more than myself. I’ve been treating my body like the Millennium Falcon, a vehicle. I’m working on that. And when I was at my most depressed, I couldn’t continue thinking suicidal thoughts partially because I knew no one else could or would take care of my cat in her final years like I could.  know she’s a selfish cat. I know dogs have more “service to humans” capacity. Her biggest selling point was pooping and peeing in one place and her seizure has affected her habits, she doesn’t care as much anymore. Her hair’s matted from lack of grooming she used to be obsessive about.

but still, I owe my life to her, so my priority is to maintain hers. She’s still my baby girl, and will always be.

What battles do you think are worth fighting for?

Protester’s blog, rally date 66336.2

Honestly, I never realized how important May Day is before this year. I mean protesting for your own rights.

There’s so much emphasis on how military protects us. But when it comes time for the worker to stand up for their rights, no one wants to rock the boat and endanger the next payment on their credit cards and bank they’re shackled to. I understand many people have kids, and I’m not going to bash them about it. They have them.

I was very proud to see my town finally rally to city hall yesterday. Not only that, they brought their kids. It wasn’t a big anarchy vs. police pandemonium like it was in Oakland and San Francisco. It was a demonstration for workers rights and our message came across better than it did than straining the police budget that we taxpayers pay for.

Faith was flatlining until May Day, having seen the lack of participation of Occupy Wall Street in our area. I thought everyone’s gadgets pacified them into a comfort zone. There’s more than linking shit on your page to take action in an American cause. And why the hell is your priority Darfur and Kony when you have banks making people homeless in your own town? Shitty wages for decreasing jobs.

We have choices every time we pull out our wallets. I’m also more aware than ever of how I spend every dollar. I think of where the money goes. It goes to the store, sure. I picked the smallest local store I can. Most of the groceries I buy are bulk, fresh foods that are as local as I can pick. I try to pick products with the least number of chemicals on the indgredients, especially when I don’t know what they are, even with csi viewing experience.

In the news, I see so many Vegas businesses are starting to stir up shit again. Money is moving again, things are being demo-ed, businesses bought and are being remodeled. I moved away from my hometown because I couldn’t stand seeing the things I loved and supported close and change into something I couldn‘t follow.

I reasoned moving to Vegas because I knew it was going to change, I could expect it. Think of all the stores and places you used to go to that aren’t there anymore. And then think of what replaced them, froyo stores? A coffee chain that’s a front for free wi-fi? I saw on Record Store Day that I’m not the only one that misses the environment of real employee interaction, as well as other customers.

There’s a list I maintain of small businesses, local events and groups I support. I want to rally behind what I see is good and noble and not the wasteful businesses I see. So many people are clicking their money for things that aren’t even tangible anymore or won’t be around for 5 years, obsolete after… now.

There’s a theme that keeps presenting itself to me, that everything I love will be gone someday. I love my cat more than anything, but she’s in retirement. If I got a job tomorrow, she may not be around by the time I’ve saved up to move out of here. She’s the last of my heart, the last thing I can not only love, but count on to be here for me whenever I need a hug.

Week after week, I struggle to find a job so I can get my shopping list to my Master Plans in motion. It’s easier for me from having no “extra” money for a couple of years now to evaluate my past spending habits and what I wasted my time, energy and money on. In Vegas, honestly there are even a lot of regrets that were worth the money.

I saw the power in me as going out and doing as much as I could around Las Vegas. It was all about night exploration. I spend every day now planning my path so when I get money, I can make it turn a dividend instead of spending it as I get it.

There are some lessons I work on every week. It’s a tough call when you see people driving to a cliff that won’t listen. I have no credibility because I’m out of work. Or I’m a know it all. If I say “fuck it” then I’m an enabler. Families are so great at this.

If I try to save them, in the past it has started a trend of repeated saves, like Superman having to save Jimmy and Lois every week. When someone is in the hospital, it does no good to show up later to state the obvious, “you shouldn’t have driven toward the cliff.” then you’re a shaming asshole.

All I can do is fight for doing my own thing and going my own way. Most days I feel like I stand on my own, anyway.