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Confidence racket

I haven’t been on because of the elusive confidence with the the lack of results from the effort I put in on the application trail.

October is supposed to be my month, and a couple of weeks of it have already blown by faster than I want or understand.

Last week, I picked up a bunch of books from the library I had on order from other locations. I should have paced them out, as much as I read, I may not be able to get thru the “best of” what I’ve wanted to read. I have my stable of the type of books I get, but most importantly are defense of shit and what I need to do to be on the offense, which can mean achievements, positivity but mostly production.

One of the books is great, because it’s from a couple of guys in southern California that have done well for themselves. They’re aware of the “game” they’re playing. They’re able to work the Hollywood factory crushes souls. They seem to work without them or have them hidden somewhere and yet there is evidence they actually have them. I have read a lot of books and this is what I’m reading from between the lines. I have yet to see a book actually address it. A lot of memes and blanket positives get thrown that are too vague for me to have any meaning.

I pay a lot of attention to how my days and weeks are structured. One of the things I have going for me is planning my own schedule. I get to be my own boss which is alright because I’ve always gotten more done at every job when I’m just left alone to do it.

The group anchor and carrying others’ weight has always slowed me down or pissed me off. My mind seems to accumulate that weight, no matter how I try to blow it off. They’re always there the next day picking up where they left off. And no I don’t want to be the enabler because I’m sweating when we’re supposedly getting paid the same.

And busting my ass never got me the promotion, just more “grunt work.” Being “popular” was what got me the few promotions I’ve ever had. And being the most reliable. In a pinch, the slackers retreat and the figure head put me in Command.

In October, I rearranged my netflix cue to have all scary movies. Honestly, in the 80’s I stayed away from horror movies because they really scared the shit out of me. This was before Buffy and CSIs and Scream. Now I can look at slasher movies like a procedural and analyze their weaknesses and M.O. while the protags are too scared to think. I’ve seen Tremors and I’m nearing the end of Nightmare now. I’m on 4, it’s hilarious in it’s 80’s-ness and still a good movie. It’s stands the test of time on a period piece level that movies try to recreate now with first gen valley girls (now they’re “reality socialites”) and sat morning tv references.

I’ve come to a cool conclusion that unemployment is a slasher movie. You have people victims of it in the same way. You have all kinds of relatives and friends blowing off your bloody knife scars. Official agencies are useless. I made a list a page+ long of cool parallels.

It actually gave me new confidence. I’ve seen the Ghostbusters game clips on youtube, same thing. Weather it’s zombies, ghosts, slashers or graboids, the enemy has a pattern of attack. The problem with a lot of protagonists is they suffer alone and what they learned is eliminated with them. Or they’re saved and don’t relay the weaknesses to others that suffer later.

There are millions of us unemployed and we’re not united. We suffer alone, no one can understand, really. Doing more and more with less and less isn’t a self fulfilling prophecy bullshit. It’s a serious problem that wears down our psyches. And then we have to get up the next morning and go out there hungrier to convince a bored manager that you’re more energetic and more eager to take their shit paying, thankless job than the dozens of others that came in before.

As sure as you defeat it, it will come back, if not after you after someone you know.

Confidence doesn’t mean you have to release all the prisoners (although that would immortalize you). Most of the time is just going out that front door tomorrow, into some other business to check out, no matter where it will lead.

I have gotten sad in the past thinking no one reads these things I write and I actually let it intimidate me to stop writing. And that’s a mistake. I now look at it as this is my canvas. I’m writing in my notebook that’s just chained to some public place. Look at it if you want to. Shit on it or ignore it if you want to. I should be happy when 1 person reads it. And that’s you.

I have to continue to produce, I can’t stand my plans not happening above all else.


2012/10/07 - Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , ,

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