Unemploymentosphere

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A life after my best friend died

My blog, posting date 120729.07:

Since my last blog, I’ve written many lists, 2 sided sheets, of my cat. Every time I do something and I have to remind myself she isn’t around, I write it down. It’s important to me.

I know I’m going to need to check out some books about grieving for a loss weds when the library is open again. This is the problem I’m having:

2 years ago I thought I could find a better job to improve my situation for the 4 biggest things in my life: my g/f, my kitty, our apartment & the city I loved. Today I look for any job, including shitty ones- just out of proximity, without any of the 4 biggest things in my life that were motivation. I don’t know how to think for myself.

I love my cat, it’s difficult to wake up and realize she didn’t wake me up for food, that I got 6 hours of sleep uninterrupted. I kept my list of things to do list very light for a week to mourn. I went out one day to just walk around, check out pet stores, look at trees, look for breezes to envelop me. I now notice every animal around me, birds, cats, people walking their dogs.

My fb and twit pages changed a bit. Like my computer’s desktop and screensaver, my cat became most of my avatars. I don’t have the frustration and anger to post my chicken little/ Don Quixote warnings to an uncaring friends list about how institutions are writing policy to keep them richer and us that don’t make $250K/ yr poorer. People don’t give a shit when they’re entertained and kept in a comfort zone of web phones, cable tv and adding to their hobby collection. Wow, frustration just made a little comeback.

I write with my cat looking over me in my mind. She would ask why are things this way? Why can’t I do things in my little world without these outside things hassling me? why don’t people learn with the facts right there? It’s a lot of what I ask myself, only I wonder why other people have their denial blinders on. We can’t do anything, wait for someone else to do something about it. Meanwhile those with suits deep in their protected offices do.

Monday, I’m going to have to leave the condo to go out to look for work again. I understand that I also have new opportunities that I couldn’t do before. My mother may be willing to help me with a bus ticket so I can check out opportunities in other cities, now that I could go someplace, say S.F. or L.A. or anywhere else. I can make a list of things to apply at or have friends that have a couch that needs holding down for a week.

I know I have to move on, but I feel guilty about it or I should at least continue honorably to tribute my Bunn. There are strange things I’m doing around the condo, most cleaning and basically some things I hadn’t done before and I question it. I do chores to keep busy and not dwell. but I question why I didn’t do them before, my cat didn’t keep me from doing these things and yet I feel an ounce of guilt of why didn’t I?

Before I got my cat, I had a lot of condo parties so I wouldn’t feel alone. I can’t go down that path again, mostly because the new neighbors and HOA would take issue even if I could get estranged “friends” to come over. As it was then as it is now, people would come over to trash a house for a party, but they aren’t here for me during hard times like now.

Books give me advice that’s hard to apply, I see it as a major part of the problem. It’s basically “go to what makes you happy, stay away from negativity.” I understand this and have seen it. I understand a bunch of excuses why people don’t want to spend time with me anymore. I’m not at my best.

But what happened to doing the work for friends or loved ones? Don’t leave someone just because they’re in the hospital with a new permanent condition. Show some respect. I’m always told to stay in there and help and I have done that for years, backed people up. Driving out in the cold on my motorcycle, buying tickets to their things when it cost me money when we could hang out for free.

I go thru the toughest shit in my life and everyone’s too busy. And you want me to come around when it’s x-mas so I can watch everyone trade presents when I can’t afford anything? People can’t do the hard work anymore and the bullshit is they say those struggling to get by need to when they are, we are- I AM doing more work already, than when I HAD a job.

So, I’m supposed to go on without, stay away from their negativity. I’m already staying away from mall/ China consumers and politically inactive. I’ve talked about zombie movies before. The world seems to have become this. You put your faith in someone or some institution. Then one day you find out they have someone on the side, or they’ve trapped steer in small holding pens your whole life. Everyone turns one day and I have to pack up my shotguns and wander in to the next town, suspicious of everyone until someone proves them self. Is that what stay away from negativity is? Is that what life is? I go to a lot of community events, as they are signs that people care while everyone else watches tv, internet, their phone- some screen at home.

The one thing I do realize now, for better or worse, I have to move on and I now can expand my horizons out of this condo again. By the time I can save enough to move out, I should be able to make peace with the kitty graveyard of 2 out front. I have Bunn & Fuzz in my heart and mind. they have to live vicariously thru me. It’s like McCoy with Spock’s katra inside him. My cats have affected me for the better and now I carry them inside of me, the last part of them to live.

For a couple of months, when I go out, I don’t just look for a job. Now I look for a place to belong. I look for a crew that laughs and is “good” together. In every movie is the wacky rag, tag crew. But in real life when you go to a business, everyone can’t wait to get the hell out and leave. I’ve had jobs that turn into that. Somewhere people have to want to be together, not with their back in the corner waiting for anyone else to turn zombie.

I don’t have love at home, now. Until I can afford to keep a pair of adopted cats, I have to find a support group that will welcome me, work or otherwise.

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2012/07/29 - Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , ,

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