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Let it go

Writer’s blog, starting date 66371.12,
finished and uploaded 66379.58
(wow, doesn’t seem so bad on a metric calendar)

Sorry, took a little break here to deal with some things. It affected my ability to write in a “good mood.”

It’s tough to know what to let go and what to hang onto. It’s a very large neutral zone between driven goal achievers and obsessive creeper. It’s like rom-coms and love songs. They’re romantic if the couple want each other and if not, it’s bring out the personal defense weapons scary. Some romantic songs are really stalkerish and mentally manipulative when you see just the lyrics.

The problem is that I’ve hoarded things most of my life, I want to save memories of the good times. Or I take all the free usable shit I think I can resell later. Or I buy shit at closing sales and swap meets when it’s in excellent condition at a 10th of what value I’ve seen it go for elsewhere. There are phases I’ve gone thru when I bought a lot of shit, really and now I’m trying 4-5 major ways to sell things w/ my limitations to get the most I can for these things. And I don’t think I have high standards, I want to break even, ideally, or at least get half down to 40%, thinking that’s the value I “rented” at that I’d accept.

I’ve seen some hoarder segments on you tube since I don’t have cable. I’d probably watch both hoarding shows if I had cable. My home never got that bad, piling on everything til it looks like Joe Franklin’s office. I had everything in boxes, mostly from that couple of years where I moved a whopping 3 times. I had things scattered in different places around Vegas. And a couple of years ago when I finally got everything back that I was going to, I had a lot of duplicate things I bought when I couldn’t find what box something was in. I was a box hoarder, I don’t know what term they have for it.

Looking back, I realized everyone in my family has a HUGE collection of some sort. They were raised by my Grandfather who was already poor to start with, working menial jobs around the bay area, let alone raising 4 kids by himself. Did they all become obsessed with possessions to make up for childhood? How did it wear off on me when I was raised to want for nothing.

But what I saw it as was well decorated isolation, if you think prison is too dramatic a word to use. I’m in this condo for a 3rd time in my life trying to get out permanently again. It’s a recurring problem in my life that I also have on the back burner til the money comes in. It’s why I hate that Marty is stuck fixing Hill Valley. It’s why I hate that George Bailey is still stuck in Bedford Falls- where Potter stole (kept) $8k Scott free. It’s why I was ultimately unsatisfied that Dante and Randal bought the Quick Stop. I’d rather be in a smaller fish swimming in a larger lake when it comes to the world.

There are goals I have to be “realistic” about. It’s tough to know what goals are the “best for me,” versus what is a pipe dream “beyond possible.” And I’m tough to shoot down bumper sticker affirmations. Anyone who says “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” obviously hasn’t been to a convalescent home. All the people who believe “you can do anything” can’t explain to me why they aren’t flying around like Superman or have a million dollars or a pussy (or cock) avalanche.

For now, I have to let go of “lofty” goals. I have dreams above what I’ve maintained before. I can remember when I was at the best paying job with the best perks, the best transportation, the best living situation and the best social situation. I have a list of jobs I apply for. I have started from the top of my priority list, but I have even let that go if a shitty job is closer to apply to. I’ve been out of work for a long time, I need to just get a paycheck even if the work does crush my soul. Even if it won’t look good on my “body of work.”

It’s hard for me to let go of the past, but I’m working on that, also. It’s one of the few things that gives me comfort because I can remember good things back there. Things are tough now and I constantly search for reliable financial stability in the future which hasn’t panned out for almost 2 years now. I allot time for the past, so I don’t get lost in it. I work on ways to “enjoy” the present that if anything, also has to be job searching research. I poke in the past for writing research, also.

It’s taken me almost 2 weeks to complete this blog. Part of which was delaying it more mentally debating if it was the topic or my ability to write that blocked me. There were probably several things I had to mentally let go just to finish this & get it done so I could go on to the next topic for blogging.

I suppose that should be about organization next, huh?


2012/05/18 - Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , ,

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