Unemploymentosphere

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Elusive happiness

Writer’s blog,  bar date 66161.58*
*I’ll explain this soon enough

I’ve spent the past couple of years thinking about what happiness is, how I can have it and how I can’t let it get away from me.

Yeah, yeah, it’s your point of view and your attitude. But honestly, when you think about it, we’re also influenced easily by who’s in the room or what movie/ tv show you saw. Sadly, a lot of my attitude in 2011 was watching the news, far too much of it. Now that I have streaming, watching more Onion and Daily Show allows me to see that others see the absurdity of things I see.

I also listen to Adam Carolla’s podcast. When I rant and complain, a few people laugh and it took me awhile to focus on what they’re laughing at. People love a good Seinfeld– type breakdown. Unfortunately when I’m in it, I’m already pissed and my immediate reaction is being pissed at the person I thought was close enough to allow me to vent about what’s really bothering me. Now, I can look back and use those things.

Of course I have tough loved others for complaining about less. I feel sorry for the others with no jobs, living in shelters. I don’t feel so bad about people getting into accidents on ski trips, mountain climbing, the polo field or cruise ships. In an instant I think my humanity suffers, but I think I also fall into enable mode and write it off as they got themselves there instead of spending wiser.

Even when I had money in the bank and making the most I ever had, I kept things to simple pleasures. We still shopped at the dollar store for disposable basics, I still at a lot of groceries that had the least chemicals I accept. Las Vegas is so damn great with the free entertainment. And there’s always a contest in every business you enter that doesn’t cost anything to enter if you don’t do the up sells and spending “in the area” that casinos excel at.

Happiness is all about money? I have read about plenty of Zen and Buddhism the past couple of years. I’m not happy with the way western influence has damaged my body and my mind. Thoughts still creep in my mind that buying something or taking a costly vacation somewhere will make me happy. I want to live simpler and yet enjoy where I work, the dream.

I have observed that in the past, when I get a job I go out more and buy more things. And I see other people spend like drunken sailors. People find ways to treat their paycheck away and then realize bills are due after their big nights out.

I see how Buddhist monks and even the Amish are happy, living simply and sustainable. I also understand the reality of living in the United States in the 21st century. I have to succumb to some sparing technology. I spend a lot of time trying to decide what “future” technology I will accept. For the most part, I see what industries that are closing because of what can be read online, downloaded or uploaded. I understand I need to be a factory and not a warehouse to live life.

Also, I’ve spent the past couple of years going thru old boxes of shit to see what made me happy back then. I did buy a lot of crap with some job. I also accumulated a lot of boxes of free stuff. Whenever there’s something people are getting rid of, if I can use it “someday” I’ll take it. I’ve noticed I’ve been a box hoarder.

It’s not as bad as the clips I’ve seen on the hoarder shows, but everything was in boxes. It’s too much for me, 1 person to have. I got that from my mother and I fight it every week, not to buy anything. I’m on a Brewster’s millions spending plan. And it includes limiting getting stuff for free.

There are things that I see that will make me happy that I don’t have the money to do. I want to hang out with co workers for a few happy hour beers. I want to go for a walk late at night without a coat or fear for my safety. I want to take my weekend trips and I have my plan on how I can incorporate that, with a trade down the line.

Good food makes me happy. I have learned to cook and enjoy my bulk food in my unemployment. I spend more time with my cat that I love. She’s very old now. This is her retirement. I hope she can be with me after I’ve saved and can leave this place. It’s a trap to compare yourself to others. It think it’s also bad to belittle or gloat those “below” you. I know where I was at my best, I try week after week to get myself at least back to that place, regardless of how long I see it taking now. I have no other direction to go.

There are ways I’ve been happier than I have in years. It’s different. I feel for the Tibetans. They’re happy, but they get taken advantage of and I worry something socioeconomic is happening to me the same way. I want to be happy where I am now, but I also want to make money again. It’s conflicting. It’s an argument for materialism and the joneses I’m not happy with. I want to be self-sufficient the way I was a few years ago, money in my pocket. Not describing money as what I have “to my name.”

Writing makes me happy. I can revisit places I’m not finished with. I can laugh with people on our adventures that have gone on without me. As I pare down my possessions, I pull memories triggered from them to hopefully support my ambition as a writer and yet pack another box for Savers.

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2012/02/28 - Posted by | Single malts | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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