an Amazing WordPress.com site

Drunk, high or laid happiness?

The first week of January, I took a pause and tried to break all my weekly patterns. I put it all aside to kick 2010 to the curb like some bad shrimp. I also took some blank paper, like I do. Last year, I made a similar list of things that would make things better. They all involved working harder to find a job than I could working one.

I keep hearing trite advice about liking where you are and do what you love for work and all these things. They’re foreign concepts to me and I spent some time trying to figure them out.

For over half my life I lived in South San Jose, trying to get out of the condo where I live. Without dredging up another distraction, what you need to know is that it’s basically free to me- at a highly emotionally abusive cost. And it’s not just me, most of the people I’ve gone to school with got the hell out of here as soon as they graduated. Same for people I worked with.

The people who I realized stayed the past decade, the only thing I can think to call them is “townies.” the guys sit home, play video games, watch sports. The married off don’t go out, well, where I’m going with that could best be seen in How I met your mother. It’s a brilliant show because the major sub plots are about growing older and coupling off and having kids. Or…. How you can not.

As for the “dream job,” I have applied for many of these and got no reply. The 2 best jobs I have ever had, I felt phony for 40 hours/ week and I sucked it up and blew it aside in my free time because it was Vegas. You literally could go for a walk in any direction and in 20 minutes you’d be smiling again in a casino or a free attraction or come across some crazy shit in any other town that’s common place off strip.

Now, the only place that brings me joy (that doesn’t cost anything) and has possibilities is the library. And that is in constant threat of closing with the yearly budget circling the drain.

For over a year and a half I’ve been unemployed and it’s given me a lot to think about, the former lives I had. The opportunities I had and the money people squander that conveniently is just above what they make.

Now, I’m in a phase where I’ve… seen the light. I know the most efficient way to spend and on things that aren’t so disposable (unless they’re meant to be like groceries).

I have seen that life is about power. You have things others don’t and they have things you don’t. And now the net is used so people can go on their profile to go on and on about that.

Life is also about attitude. I wallowed, got depressed and was difficult, out of frustration for basic survival. It’s funny no one gives a shit about you when you’re down, but if you die a CEO those exact same behaviors get you labelled a visionary icon.

When I had a car in college, it broke down so much, I sidetracked the film classes I wanted to take to take auto. I took enough classes to Macgyver every vehicle I’ve owned at least to a garage or home to fix, since. That guiding the tow truck to the front of the house just became a humiliating exercise I couldn’t do anymore.

So when my depression started rising to a level where I had to stand on my toes to breathe, I read psych books instead of self-help books from the library. I also read bios of stand up comedians, satirists. I made much headway, broke all kinds of barriers, turned my thinking on it’s ass over a dozen times from a hundred different angles. It’s far more than anyone else could ever do to understand me.

I saw the movie Red Dawn and the last time I saw it I rented it on VHS from the local video store. And I learned that I survived in the unemployment wilderness- hell, I have to get ready to apply. I’ll have to continue next time


2012/01/10 - Posted by | Single malts | , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Why is the friendly, easy to use word press of December locking up, being hateful and not showing what I click or type in the past TWO HOURS @$#%^(*&

    Comment by sincitizen | 2012/01/10

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: