Unemploymentosphere

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Resolutions on it’s ass

So, resolutions. For some reason a couple of days after x-mas to the end of January, people are happier, friendlier, starting up gym memberships and doing all kinds of things to try and redeem themselves.

There are a lot of things I want to do. Last year I listed most of them and kept it in an “action binder” that I refer to. I’ve been working on such a binder that kinda reminds me of the binders they used in Falcon and the Snowman for some reason. They are my codes.

If they are in this binder, they’re not in the pile of scrap papers I also have to go thru. I try to stop or dam of scrap papers and use, consolidate or eliminate then someday shred the discarded. I have written a bunch of things stored on computer, also. When I got a computer, it was supposed to be a big informational hub where I didn’t need to write things on papers and in blank notebooks and journals anymore. I actually did manage to get rid of what I remembered to be a laundry basket filled with pages of notes. It’s down to a good work boot sized shoe box I’d say. In a binder, they’d be readily available, not buried in a computer I’d have to turn on, find the file, open it up, etc.

There is a gauge, like on a dashboard that I imagine, with me my most productive at the far right. On the far left are the things I cannot do, I have to stop doing, I have to quit. And in the low middle is idle existence. It’s status quo. It’s also enabling, it’s the space that I curse for being gullible. It’s a gauge I try to organize and prioritize. Sometimes I push to the right to get bounced back to the left. Some days it’s maintaining a good rhytm in 4th gear. Sometimes I can’t get out of first and I try to force things. Sometimes I let things go and like a gas tank shit accumulates and escalates to the left until things are fucked and I have more to do to get me back on the positive side.

One of the things I wanted to do was maintain a blog again. I have written about how Myspace and facebook screwed me. How can I start up on another web page that I have to assume won’t be around in 10 years. Buying my own domain is right up there on the things to do when I get work, but I’ve been unemployed for 19 months, now. Even domain owners get bought out, changed or deleted. I honestly have to make plans on the assumption that I’m not just broke but actually poor, or my expectations build my frustration. Unemployment is being David Banner.

I’ve been reading Zen Buddhist books that tell me I have to be happy with who I am, where I am. It’s hard advice to take. I spent half my life trying to escape the bay area. I know people would love the tourist side of things and I am happy with a lot of political aspects, surprisingly, at least compared to most other states. But Vegas is place I was happiest, even without money.

I have a ton of resolutions I spouted on twitter, but when I look back at them it just looks like my weekly goals. It’s a lot about thinking I have to maintain. Happiness is always a puzzle to me. I think too many people overdo it, to be honest. People take drugs and it backfires on them. I look at people and all they do is entertain themselves all day, fun clothes, play games on their phone, see the fun movie, watch tons of tv. Nobody wants to work for anything. Everyone wants the cubicle and surround themselves with their cable and season tickets and lets have a kid, in the bay area anyway. It’s totally foreign to me. I don’t want to be a working stiff, but I want to be proud of making the money to get what I need and save.

I see certain areas of happiness as distractions. I feel like, I don’t know how to say it, vegetables. It’s what’s good, but most people think it’s boring and would rather eat society’s junk food. When I have no money, I get back to basics. In fact, I saw a book the other day on how Amish people have the most impressive self-sustaining habits as far as a group goes. No one wants to give up plugging into the network in silicon valley. I see it as a hive or cattle I have to smile and nod while I find the means to leave.

In 2012 I’ve had to do a lot of thinking about what would make me happy that doesn’t involve money, for now. I still have my “to buy” list from last year, I don’t think anything above groceries and cat food got done. I run out of things and eventually go without them.

My goal here is to write at least 52 essays, one a week. Most likely, this will be about my leftover thoughts, too big for twitter. Some may be about my work search. Some may appear random, but I outline a lot, so they lead to something.

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2012/01/03 - Posted by | Single malts | , , , , ,

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